Tag Archives: pouting/crying/hissy fits

“Pulling a LeBron”

10 Jul

Main Entry: 1pull a LeBron

Pronunciation: \?pu?l ? l?-brä?’ also ?p?l ? l?-brä?’\

Function: transitive verb

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English pullian; akin to Middle Low German pulen to shell, combined with proper noun LeBron/LeBron James [exp], contemporary

Date: 2009

transitive verb 1 a: to become humiliated by an inferior member of peer-group b : to refuse to acknowledge failure [ref] c : to strain abnormally in order to prevent exposure of embarrassment d : willful suppression evidence (of failure)

Let’s examine a sequence of events so compelling that they necessitated an expansion of the English language itself:

LeBron gets dunked on by a college kid.

Nike, in a disastrous lapse in judgment, quickly confiscates the tapes.

Shit blows up.

Oh my.  This is a story. If you’ll remember, LeBron was blocked by a high school kid at his camp a few years ago.  And he was badly beaten in a game of horse by a warehouse worker in 2008.  That was well-documented.  So while this wasn’t the first time LeBron was humiliated by a mere mortal, it was certainly his most public humiliation.

Soon after this story broke, Philip Rivers was showed-up by a high schooler at his camp.  So perfect.  “Getting LeBron’d” officially enters the lexicon.

Is LeBron’s ego really this fragile? Is Nike really this over-protective of their little baby? Yes and yes.

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Princess James, “Sportsmanship”

2 Jun

Shocker.  ESPNBAvid $tern goes soft on LeBron.  Despite the fact that LeBron rudely skipped the post-game press conference, the league waived the mandatory fine.

LeBron James is David Stern’s spoiled little brat…or business partner…or both.  Mike Lupica from the New York Daily News nails it:

First the league said it wasn’t going to fine him, because this was a first offense, as if that’s supposed to come into play. Stern wouldn’t come out Tuesday and say exactly what he wanted to do, almost asking not to be pressed on the matter. Not sounding as much like the NBA commissioner on this one as one of James’ teammates, the ones who did have to stick around and talk about losing to the Magic. Or, and more likely, one of LeBron James’ business partners.

In the painful irony department, LeBron appeared in an NBA Cares commercial that aired during game 6.  His speaking line?  “Sportsmanship.”  Go to 1:14 to skip all the sappy bullshit:

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Gone Fishin’

1 Jun

100% hilarious:

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LeBron James’ trademark move is…the TRAVEL!…err…the CRAB DRIBBLE!

6 Jan

...and crying, of course. And charging.

It happened.  LeBron was finally called for a frame-by-frame recreation of The Travel.  And against the poor Washington Wizards of all teams – LeBron’s original victims.  Amazing.  The NBA’s officiating is in such a sorry state that it is nearly impossible for anyone to believe that LeBron could actually be whistled for traveling, even when it is the most painfully obvious example of traveling possible (I’ll get to that later).  So unbelievable that when he is called out, it becomes a major media event.  Check out Caron Butler’s reaction after the game: It’s a travel. It was the exact same move two years ago in the playoffs. I definitely knew he traveled, but I didn’t think they were gonna call it…But that was one of them situations in which a great player made a move, good officiation, and they called the call. And I was just like, ‘Aw, man. There is a God. There is a God.’

That a professional basketball player could have such an extreme reaction to this whole crab dribble travel call episode really says it all.  Caron Butler evidently feels that it requires some kind of divine intervention in order for LeBron to be correctly charged with a traveling violation. Or, at the very least, that such a call constitutes proof of the existence of GOD.

Of course, this was a meaningless game, and a pretty safe game for the refs to have grown a conscience.  LeBron has been pulling this shit in the playoffs for years.  If a playoff game is close in the fourth quarter, the crab is guaranteed to make an appearance or two.  Or twelve.  I bet that won’t change this year or ever.

Anyway, back to the story…as with most King James fiascos, LeBron’s obnoxious reaction is more than half the fun.  How pathetic is it that LeBron has the nerve to 1. complain to the refs about such a valid call (including a re-enactment to the ref during the game – where was the tech!?), 2. claim that even after he had seen the tape in the locker room that it was still not a travel and then 3. be so bold as to go in front of the media and bitch about it knowing full well that he has won entire playoffs series on no-calls from the same move.   Answer: it is quite pathetic.  And he kept bitching about it the day after the game, after having the benefit of watching it replayed on sportscenter 600 times:

On Sunday, James said it was a “bad call” and that “they need to look at it and they need to understand that’s not a travel.”   In giving his take on what happened, James said: “I watched it again, and I took a ‘crab dribble,’ which is a hesitation dribble, and then two steps.”

Ugh.  LeBron must honestly believe that he can do no wrong.

Unfortunately, apart from racking up a meaningless loss against a non-contender, LeBron came away from this episode completely unscathed, as usual – he wasn’t given a tech for complaining directly to the ref (Oh, I’m sorry – explaining to the ref) and he wasn’t fined for repeatedly and directly criticizing the officiating after the game (are they going to return Eddie Jordan’s $25K for complaining about a no-call on the very same move back in 2006?).

One more item of note – the valiant Mr. Potato Head made a point to get thrown out of the game arguing a charging foul called on LeBron (LeBron’s other signature move).  He couldn’t just sit by and watch LeBron being so blatantly subjected to the rules of basketball for an entire game.  The officiating was just so terribly fair that night, apparently.

Because Mr. Potato Head and many reporters are apparently retarded and because LeBron apparently has some psychological condition that prevents him from viewing rapidly moving images on a television screen and processing them properly in his LeBrain, let’s break this shit down, frame-by-frame, by using youtube and the offical NBA rulebook.  And Jalen Rose.

First, the rule:

Section XIV-Traveling
a. A player who receives the ball while standing still may pivot, using either foot as the pivot foot.
b. A player who receives the ball while he is progressing or upon completion of a dribble, may use a two-count rhythm in coming to a stop, passing or shooting the ball.
The first count occurs:
(1) As he receives the ball, if either foot is touching the floor at the time he receives it.
(2) As the foot touches the floor, or as both feet touch the floor simultaneously after he receives the ball, if both feet are off the floor when he receives it.
The second occurs:
(1) After the count of one when either foot touches the floor, or both feet touch the floor simultaneously.
c. A player who comes to a stop on the count of one may pivot, using either foot as the pivot foot.
d. A player who comes to a stop on the count of two, with one foot in advance of the other, may pivot using only the rear foot as the pivot foot.
e. A player who comes to a stop on the count of two, with neither foot in advance of the other, may use either foot as the pivot foot.
f. In starting a dribble after (1) receiving the ball while standing still, or (2) coming to a legal stop, the ball must be out of the player’s hand before the pivot foot is raised off the floor.
g. If a player, with the ball in his possession, raises his pivot foot off the floor, he must pass or shoot before his pivot foot returns to the floor. If he drops the ball while in the air, he may not be the first to touch the ball.
h. A player who falls to the floor while holding the ball, or while coming to a stop, may not gain an advantage by sliding.
i. A player who attempts a field goal may not be the first to touch the ball if it fails to touch the backboard, basket ring or another player.
PENALTY: Loss of ball. The ball is awarded to the opposing team at the sideline, nearest spot of the violation but no nearer the baseline than the foul line extended.

Okay – so the NBA rulebook isn’t as crystal-clear as it could be.  However, after much difficulty, it is possible to translate this strangely-worded crap and come away with the fact that you get TWO STEPS after picking up your dribble in most situations.  I think.  Anyway – let’s assume two.  It’s certainly not more than two, in any situation, obviously.

On to the visual evidence and Jalen Rose (hope they don’t pull this video down):

Wow – I think that may have actually been five steps.

Also, the feud kinda lives.  Injured DeShawn Steven was apparently taunting from the sidelines in a ridiculous purple velvet suit and bowtie.  I would have loved to have heard what kind of vicious trash talk DeShawn Stevenson was dishing out immediately following that travel call.  Of course, LeBron refused to participate in the back-and-forth because he is above all that.  And because he couldn’t say a damn thing.

Suck. It. LeBron.

Suck. It. LeBron.

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Happy Trails, Crybaby

18 May

LeBron is eliminated by the CelticsHa Ha!

Ha Ha!

0:25

LeBron James misses 5-foot jumper

88-91

0:16

LeBron James misses free throw 1 of 2

88-93

0:05

LeBron James misses 26-foot three point jumper

92-97

Game 7 was vintage LeBron James. A bunch of stat-whoring followed by an abysmal failure to come through in the clutch.

This is a stone-cold fact, all you LeBron homers out there – with the game in his hands, LeBron blew it. If LeBron made the 6 points above instead of bricking them, the Cavs would have won the game. That’s it.

The only shot taken by another Cavalier in the last 30 seconds was a three-pointer by Pavlovic – and he nailed it, so it wasn’t the weakness of the supporting cast that did the Cavs in. 38 year-old PJ Brown came off the *couch* to make all three of his fourth quarter shots to finish out the game for the Celtics. If you aren’t as clutch as PJ Brown, do you deserve the title of “King” (even of Ohio)? Have you earned the right to refer to yourself in the third person? Nope.

On to LeBron’s final game of the season. Obviously he scored a bunch of points. Obviously Paul Pierce scored a bunch of points. Whatever. What struck me most about the game is how unbelievably transparent LeBron’s strategy is, especially in big games. He’s the snot-nosed kid who reverts to the same cheesy supermove to win at a video game over and over again.

Here’s a step-by-step description of LeBron’s “how to win at basketball” system:

Step 1 – Try to make a few jumpers with no regard to how off-balance or forced the shots may be. Also, do not take into account how well-defended you are. You are the Chosen One and you are immune from all implications of the phrase “shot selection.” Proceed to step 2.

Step 2 – If jump shots are going in, repeat step 1. If jump shots are clanging off of the iron, go to step 3.

Step 3 – Employ the invincible “bull charge” supermove! Begin putting your head down and driving to the hoop on every possession, taking advantage of the knowledge that even obvious travels and charges will be ignored by refs. Occasionally dish the ball to a wide-open teammate whilst driving to the hoop, getting credit for “creating” with “brilliant passing.” If you are having trouble hitting layups because there are 800 pounds worth of centers and forwards standing in the lane, go to step 4, you might be playing against what they call a “defense.”

Step 4 – Cry and pout every time an opposing player lays a finger on you, grease the refs, and rack up free throws. This should negate “defense.” *

Step 5 – If a comfortable lead is gained at any point during the game, go back to step 1 if desired. However, if the game is close in the fourth quarter, lock into step 3. If you are getting blown out, commence stat-whoring by an means necessary.

*this strategy may be used in conjunction with any other strategy at any time

My friends, I have watched enough LeBron James playoff games to know that he pulls this crap every single game. LeBron’s ability to rack up points is only limited to how badly he is willing to abuse this tried-and-true system. I think we’re almost (but not quite) to the point where LeBron has worn out his welcome with this bullshit. Eventually, commentators are going to tire of bailing him out every night. For shit’s sake, LeBron had five terrible games in a row against the Celtics but still received overwhelmingly favorable coverage. At some point, shills like Jeff van Gundy are going to have to seriously consider that even ESPN’s core demographic – brainwashed moron kids – might lose respect for them. What remains of their credibility is at stake. Selfish motives are going to kick in at some point if these announcers ever want to land another head coaching job. Non-Cleveland crowds are totally sick of LeBron, that’s clear. In Boston, LeBron even got a strong “bullshit” chant from the crowd that went on for 5 minutes and was easily audible on national television. And you know the network’s sound guys were trying to suppress it the entire time. In order for such a strong chant to get going, moms, dads, grandmothers, and little kids must have been joining in. Hilarious.

Worst part of the game? LeBron’s eye rake on Paul Pierce. Wow. LeBron even had the nerve to throw a hissy fit over it, even though the whole thing was confirmed by replay. Eye rakes? For real? That’s some dirty Rowdy Roddy Piper bullshit. What a jerk.

No matter. All is well that ends well. It’s game over for LeBron and his circus of bullshit.

One more time:

LeBron is eliminated by the CelticsHa Ha!

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Enough is Enough

16 May

“A LeBron James team is never desperate.”

– LeBron James, referring to himself in the third person

Doc Rivers finally benched E.T. That’s the good news. The bad news is that game 6 was a frustrating mess in all other respects. A few highlights: LeBron officially became a ref, reversing an out-of-bounds call with a hissy-fit at some point in the second half. LeBron also put an absolutely outrageous travesty of a charging foul on Paul Pierce deep in the 4th quarter to ruin the integrity of the entire game, despite the fact that it was the most obvious blocking foul of the entire game, if not the entire history of the NBA. Glen Davis was mugged under the basket the entire game, and LeBron went to the line more than the entire Celtics team. It was an unmitigated disaster.

I can’t take any more of this:

scrawny rich kid nerd cavs fan

And I certainly can’t take any more of this:

LeBron scowls like a whimpering crybaby

Please, Celtics: pick your shots, use some movement, and end this nonsense on Sunday night. And then lose to the Pistons in the next round because you don’t deserve to win shit this season.

About the commentary – worst by a non-Jeff van Gundy crew yet. Some anonymous nobodies, obviously selected for their eagerness to LeBrown-nose, were selected to call the game. They were absolutely useless sycophants. One of them, Doris Burke, actually had the nerve to call the BS LeBron/Paul Pierce charge call a 50/50. Yeah, she’s partial. It was a 100/0, doofus. She also produced what has to be the lamest, most pathetic attempt at asskissing I have ever witnessed. Get this – she heaped a full minute of praise on LeBron after a failed inbounds pass. A failed inbounds pass. Even though the world’s greatest passing wizard failed to hit a teammate on an inbounds pass at midcourt, Doris Burke was shocked at how amazingly calm and collected he was in doing so. What? Hacks.

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LeBron continues bricklaying without a union card, cusses out his poor mom

12 May

Wow. So LeBron actually cussed out his mom on National TV. And he even admitted so much in a post-game interview. Yes, my friends, this actually happened.

Late in the first half, Pierce tried to wrap up James to prevent a breakaway dunk and the two of them spun into the expensive seats behind the basket, at which point James’ mother, Gloria, jumped into the fray to give Pierce a piece of her mind. Even as Pierce’s arms were wrapped around him, James was yelling at his mother to back away. “The commissioner doesn’t care if it’s your mother or your kids: You can’t allow fans and players to get involved with each other,” said James. “I told her to sit down in some language I shouldn’t have used. Thank god today wasn’t Mothers Day

Look, this is definitely hilarious, but I think LeBron actually did the right thing here, so I’m not going to rag on him too much. He was only doing what he had to do in order to protect Paul Pierce from his mom’s violent (and possibly drunken) rage. And in doing so, was also protecting his mom from the slammer. Commendable.

LeBron James vs. Gloria James

LeBron: $&#@!

KG: Dude! What the hell is wrong with you? Calm down and stop cussin’ out that poor lady!

LeBron: That’s my mom!

KG: Oh…

Paul Pierce: [instantly lets go of LeBron’s arm]

On to the game – the Celts somehow dropped another game on the road despite LeBron’s continued sucking (7-20 shooting, 5-8 at the line). The announcers were forced to fall back on the “even when it appears that LeBron sucks, he ‘creates’ and is therefore actually awesome” bullshit. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

Stats recap through four games:

From the floor: 20-78 (25%)

Percentage of points from free throws: 40

In pictogram form:

LeBron lays an egg against the CelticsLeBron lays an egg against the CelticsLeBron lays an egg against the CelticsLeBron lays an egg against the Celtics

Go back and read that “Is LeBron Underrated ?” article now (from a couple of posts ago). Yeah, that thing stood the test of time. He might want to rethink that whole “LeBron has no help from his anonymous loser teammates” part of the argument.

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Sooo many crybabies

5 May

Read how Papa John’s “Crybaby” LeBron shirt upsets crybaby Cavs fans

LeBron, you are a crybaby. Cavs fans, you are a bunch of crybabies. That shit is a fact. And oh, the irony of people being big ol’ crybabies reacting to a shirt calling their player a crybaby. Clevelanders need to start reading more literary works or something and grow a fucking sense of irony already.

LeBron is a crybaby, Cavs fans are crybabies

Of course, Papa Johns apologized after being heckled by numerous crying, deeply offended crybabies. Saying stuff and then promptly apologizing the moment some crybaby starts throwing a hissy fit is a proud tradition in these great United States of America. Some jerkoff even started a petition. Righteous champions of justice, click here!: Boycott Papa John’s!

So far, 235 crybabies have signed the petition…well, give or take a few crybabies. I don’t think all of the signatures have been properly scrutinized:

ID
Name
City
Date
204
You Guys are Gay
Crybaby
2008-05-05 16:30:05
205
fuck you and all cry baby fags
better than cleveland
2008-05-05 16:35:14
206
THE CAVS SUCK ASS
NYC
2008-05-05 16:37:33
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David Stern clears a big man out of the lane for LeBron

2 May

Ugh.

As if I needed it, even more ammo. Could this get any more ridiculous? Suspending Songaila for a little half-slap to LeBron is yet another obvious example of the NBA’s protection of their little chosen one.

Here is the clip from some guy’s blog on AOL – watch for yourself.

Listen to Marv Albert go batshit the very moment it goes down. It was as if he was hoping and praying for such a thing to happen the whole time. Way to whip yourself up into a frenzy, old man. What’s the deal? Is the act of constantly represssing a perverted woman-biting fetish keeping you on edge? Chill the fuck out.

Marv Albert - he bites!

YESH!

Definitely one of the lamest suspensions of all time, especially considering all of the non-suspensions as of late. What is this little bitch slap compared to the UFC-caliber elbow LeBron dealt Andre Blatche?  Kobe and LeBron’s elbows from last year’s playoffs? Even Sideshow Bob’s clothesline? Two of those events were even in this series, for crying out loud. Removing every obstacle from LeBron’s path to the finals is the name of the game.  Even if it’s a backup forward on the Wizards.

So, another day, another heaping helping is added to the already sky-high pile of bullshit.

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Haywood on LeBron: “waaaaah, waaaaah”

29 Apr

“Awww,” Haywood said in a whiny, high-pitched voice to mock James. “They are trying to hurt me.”

Haywood, who was called for a flagrant-two foul and ejected from Game 2 after shoving James, believes it’s time for Cleveland’s superstar to stop complaining.

“I mean, come on man, this is the playoffs,” Haywood said following Monday’s practice. “He wears 23, he wants to be Michael Jordan, I can respect that, he’s a great player. You saw what Mike went through. Mike got fouled way worse than this. No one is trying to hurt him, everybody is trying to play basketball, trying to play tough. Play basketball and leave it alone.”

You see plenty of LeBron’s whining by watching the broadcast of any Cavs game, even with the TV announcers shamelessly refusing to comment on it.  It’s apparent to anyone paying attention.  That having been said, I’m sure Brendan Haywood witnesses three times as much additional LeBron whining when he’s on the court.  He’s able to see and hear every groan, complaint, and incredulous facial expression the camera misses.  So, whatever impression we have of LeBron’s crybaby BS is clearly only the tip of the iceberg.

What I’m saying is this – Haywood knows.  In fact, seeing as how he has been thrown out of a game as a direct result of the cumulative effect of LeBron’s whining, has been leg-humped by LeBron, and has narrowly dodged a punch to the nutsack thrown by LeBron, he’s the most credible source available on the matter.

Of course, this article rushes to LeBron’s defense and leaves the impression that he is demonstrating remarkable poise and perseverance in the face of such vicious attacks and insults.  The article provides some good quotes, but the rest of the article’s editorializing is pure party-line bullshit, even referring to LeBron as “King James.”  It is interesting to note that this is an AP article, which you would think would be a little more objectively written.

If I wasn’t lazy as hell, I’d photoshop a picture of LeBron’s face superimposed on the body of a crying baby right here.  But I am lazy…and it’s a little too obvious.

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