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The Greatest Moment in the History of the Universe Approaches…

Let’s get something clear - LeBron James is a straight-up cocksucker. Deadspin declares it so more eloquently than I ever could, fulfilling a Nostradamus-like prediction I made long ago that the rest of the internet would eventually become indistinguishable from ihatelebronjames.com. That might be why I’ve been so shitty about updating this site – there wasn’t much of a need, was there? Plus, being right about everything all the time has kept me pretty busy.

But here I am, back in the game. Let’s recap all of the LeBron James-related shit that’s gone down since I’ve been absent.

LeBron wasted no time playing games when it came to his Nike contract, unceremoniously signing a contract extension way back in May. Strange, considering NBA free agency was months away at the time and one would think that LeBron’s value to Nike depends mightily on the size of the market of LeBron’s next team. Did LeBron give Nike the inside scoop on his NBA free agency decision? Did Nike give LeBron orders to move to a major market? Or did Nike and LeBron (correctly) conclude that jackoff fair weather fans will buy LeBron jerseys no matter where he lands?

Well…this kid won’t buy a LeBron jersey any time soon. But most other kids (who have not been directly and personally insulted by LeBron) will continue to think that LeBron is totally awesome and shell out big bucks for his shoes and shit. So as long as the fair-weather fanbase stays intact, It doesn’t even matter if LeBron stays in Cleveland or leaves for LA. Hell, Nike probably just assumes that since LeBron is a just a humble kid from Akron, loyal to his community above all else, he would never bail on the state of Ohio. He even has a loyalty tattoo on his rib cage, for fuck’s sake. People really want to believe that LeBron is staying in Cleveland:

James, who wasn’t wooed and recruited by colleges because everyone knew he was NBA-bound, probably will visit several teams come July. Big on drama, he might let the suspense build to a crescendo. But in the end, Cavs fans should let these words from James comfort them.

“The city of Akron means so much to me,” he said. “Akron, Ohio, is my life. I love this city.”

Cavs owner Dan Gilbert, who sat on stage with James, is convinced, or at the very least, feigning conviction, saying, “I’m sure we’ll be here next year with MV3.”

With Nike stuff out of the way, let’s move on to the playoffs…

At the first sign of trouble, LeBron preemptively prepared a nice little excuse for losing, Pete Sampras-style (as if most of you fuckers even know who that is). Then things get worse. Turns out, LeBron has been spoiling his teammates with his exemplary play for years. They never really learned how to play basketball! Fuuuuck! That’s the kind of shit that playoff competition exposes. Fortunately, LeBron was clever enough to abandon the flawed “give the man a fish” philosophy and adopt the obviously superior “teach a man to fish” approach. Unfortunately, however, LeBron’s teaching method involved forcing his team sit around and watch him clang every basketball in sight off the iron and into the stands. Whoops! Not a good example to set for your impressionable students.

In the end, the Cavs continued their predictable regression with LeBron and Mr. Potatohead at the helm and were again dumped from the playoffs (well, I predicted it, anyway). LeBron’s 2010 playoffs in pictograph form, for fans of the old site:

lebron-lays-another-egg

All was not lost for the Chosen One, however. Finally liberated from the annoying basketball-playing part of basketball, LeBron was able to concentrate on what really matters – free agency. King James wasted no time assembling his all-star team of advisors. Of course, Mark Cuban jumped the gun and got fined 100K right out of the gate with some vague comment about a sign-and-trade. Sorry, Mr. Cuban – you can’t have the Chicago Cubs and you can’t even talk about having LeBron James. Then Steve Kerr got fined. It wasn’t long before Jay-Z got himself in the mix. Then all hell broke loose. LeBron and friends had a free agency super summit. Sportscenter jizzed its pants. Repeatedly. The already out-of-control hype reached an unprecedented level of mega-annoying. Then LeBron kicked it up a few more notches when he decided to literally hold court. It was decreed that if any of the King’s subjects sought an audience with their ruler, they had to grovel at King James’ feet as guests of the royal court. The Nets are set to be first up. The city of New York threw a party in the King’s honor. Not sure what happened with the Mavs or LA. I think the Bulls were up last. It’s a mad house all around.

LeBron interviewed his suitors in one frantic week. The Knicks prepared a ridiculous powerpoint presentation (of course it was leaked) that basically amounted to a list of the various reasons why LeBron should not go to other teams. And why coming to New York would not necessarily get him a title, but would surely land him the billionaire status he covets. In Miami, greasy-ass Pat Riley showed off his rings. The Bulls probably tried to talk up the franchise’s winning ways and major market earning potential (without using the words “Michael Jordan,” “legacy,” “high expectations,” or “asshole Chicago fans will turn on you like a rabid badger the second you fuck up and we all know you will because that’s all you’ve ever done and remember that one time Jordan took Craig Ehlo’s face off and fucked Cleveland off the map for a decade we fucking hate Cleveland you dick”).

Now Bosh and Wade have committed to Miami. Stoudemire has signed on with Knicks. And who gives a fuck about Joe Johnson? All will be revealed tonight during a ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME PRIME TIME TV EVENT!!! Only then will I know if I have to change my website’s colors. With any luck, some asshole will leak the decision and totally ruin the special.

While you’re waiting, entertain yourself with this little sideshow – a few months back, LeBron continued his annual tradition of losing at basketball to some random dude off the street (this time to a busboy on national television). Enjoy.

Gone Fishin’

100% hilarious:

Game 4 Recap

LeBron does the most shamefully pathetic dive of his career, gets the call:

lebron-takes-a-dive

Gets two free points, ties the game with seconds to go:

lebron-gets-2-free-points

Sideshow Bob mugs Howard, no call:

sideshow-bob-mugs-howard

Stan Van Gundy is all like ”WTF?!”

stan-van-gundy-wtf

Overtime, clock ticking down, LeBron gets a shot off…BRICK.

lebron-bricks-the-game-winner

Game Over.

Nice jump shot!

11-28 from the field. 24 free throws. Very impressive…if you’re (present-day) Allen Iverson. Blindfolded. Playing without a coach like it’s 2001.

CLEVELAND CAVALIERS
STARTERS	MIN	FGM-A	3PM-A	FTM-A	OREB	DREB	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	PF	+/-	PTS
LeBron James, SF	42	11-28	1-8	18-24	0	7	7	9	2	1	2	3	-12	41

*CLANG*

LeBron clearly got the help he needed from the refs. Guess he needed more. He made exactly two shots from beyond one inch, yet he still wound up with over 40 points. Still no jumpshot. Amazing. You’ve earned this massive ostrich egg, MVP:

Happy Trails, Crybaby

LeBron is eliminated by the Celtics Ha Ha!

Ha Ha!

0:25	LeBron James misses 5-foot jumper	88-91
0:16	LeBron James misses free throw 1 of 2	88-93
0:05	LeBron James misses 26-foot three point jumper	92-97

Game 7 was vintage LeBron James. A bunch of stat-whoring followed by an abysmal failure to come through in the clutch.

This is a stone-cold fact, all you LeBron homers out there – with the game in his hands, LeBron blew it. If LeBron made the 6 points above instead of bricking them, the Cavs would have won the game. That’s it.

The only shot taken by another Cavalier in the last 30 seconds was a three-pointer by Pavlovic – and he nailed it, so it wasn’t the weakness of the supporting cast that did the Cavs in. 38 year-old PJ Brown came off the *couch* to make all three of his fourth quarter shots to finish out the game for the Celtics. If you aren’t as clutch as PJ Brown, do you deserve the title of “King” (even of Ohio)? Have you earned the right to refer to yourself in the third person? Nope.

On to LeBron’s final game of the season. Obviously he scored a bunch of points. Obviously Paul Pierce scored a bunch of points. Whatever. What struck me most about the game is how unbelievably transparent LeBron’s strategy is, especially in big games. He’s the snot-nosed kid who reverts to the same cheesy supermove to win at a video game over and over again.

Here’s a step-by-step description of LeBron’s “how to win at basketball” system:

Step 1 – Try to make a few jumpers with no regard to how off-balance or forced the shots may be. Also, do not take into account how well-defended you are. You are the Chosen One and you are immune from all implications of the phrase “shot selection.” Proceed to step 2.

Step 2 – If jump shots are going in, repeat step 1. If jump shots are clanging off of the iron, go to step 3.

Step 3 – Employ the invincible “bull charge” supermove! Begin putting your head down and driving to the hoop on every possession, taking advantage of the knowledge that even obvious travels and charges will be ignored by refs. Occasionally dish the ball to a wide-open teammate whilst driving to the hoop, getting credit for “creating” with “brilliant passing.” If you are having trouble hitting layups because there are 800 pounds worth of centers and forwards standing in the lane, go to step 4, you might be playing against what they call a “defense.”

Step 4 – Cry and pout every time an opposing player lays a finger on you, grease the refs, and rack up free throws. This should negate “defense.” *

Step 5 – If a comfortable lead is gained at any point during the game, go back to step 1 if desired. However, if the game is close in the fourth quarter, lock into step 3. If you are getting blown out, commence stat-whoring by an means necessary.

*this strategy may be used in conjunction with any other strategy at any time

My friends, I have watched enough LeBron James playoff games to know that he pulls this crap every single game. LeBron’s ability to rack up points is only limited to how badly he is willing to abuse this tried-and-true system. I think we’re almost (but not quite) to the point where LeBron has worn out his welcome with this bullshit. Eventually, commentators are going to tire of bailing him out every night. For shit’s sake, LeBron had five terrible games in a row against the Celtics but still received overwhelmingly favorable coverage. At some point, shills like Jeff van Gundy are going to have to seriously consider that even ESPN’s core demographic – brainwashed moron kids – might lose respect for them. What remains of their credibility is at stake. Selfish motives are going to kick in at some point if these announcers ever want to land another head coaching job. Non-Cleveland crowds are totally sick of LeBron, that’s clear. In Boston, LeBron even got a strong “bullshit” chant from the crowd that went on for 5 minutes and was easily audible on national television. And you know the network’s sound guys were trying to suppress it the entire time. In order for such a strong chant to get going, moms, dads, grandmothers, and little kids must have been joining in. Hilarious.

Worst part of the game? LeBron’s eye rake on Paul Pierce. Wow. LeBron even had the nerve to throw a hissy fit over it, even though the whole thing was confirmed by replay. Eye rakes? For real? That’s some dirty Rowdy Roddy Piper bullshit. What a jerk.

No matter. All is well that ends well. It’s game over for LeBron and his circus of bullshit.

One more time:

LeBron is eliminated by the Celtics Ha Ha!

LeBoner goes limp

Up big right before halftime and playing pretty well the entire first half (he even made three jumpshots!), LeBron had the chance to turn the series in his favor with a crucial away win. All he had to do was maintain some kind of respectable offensive output in the second half. So what did the NBA’s premier superstar do? He faded like a chump and blew it:

LeBron sucks in the 3rd quarter

3rd quarter: ouch.

LeBron sucks in the 4th quarter

4th quarter: ouch.

When all was said and done, all the foul shots in the world couldn’t help LeBron pull it out (11-13 from the line). His anti-clutch second half performance was rewarded with a big, fat L.

Luckily, I saw the game at a bar, so I was spared the commentary.

LeBron’s single MVP vote…

I think I just found out where that one MVP vote came from…

I LOVE LEBRON JAMES

Okay, it was me.

Really? More of this underrated shit? These dudes have some nerve. First of all, even if LeBron were to average 37 points a game in this series, he would still be overrated. Why is this? Because he is so highly rated by the sportswriting world that he couldn’t possibly be underrated or even properly rated. Unless he pulls a 50- point triple- double masterpiece every game, he can never live up to his hype. Therefore, he is overrated. Period. Now, consider the garbage games LeBron has been producing as of late, and this argument dissolves into complete nonsense.

This guy peddles the tired “no supporting cast” crap we’ve all heard a thousand times, which holds no water as far as I’m concerned. If LeBron truly is the MVP, then all his team would need to do is get him open looks for him to rain down jumpers. They are doing just that. In fact, the Celtics are giving away open jumpers to the Princess of Ohio. LeBron’s is flat-out missing them, hence the stats. Can you imagine what would happen if a team gave almost any other top 10 player so many open looks? They’d slaughter some jerks. This no supporting cast argument is just plain silly at worst, some kind of chicken and egg thing at best. Z is definitely a top center, slow goofball that he is. Ben Wallace, despite the fact that he is the only player in the league that can regularly chuck up airballs from 2 feet, is still a top defensive player. And then there are the many solid role players on the Cavs. Joe Smith and Delonte West – see last game.

I’d like to think that this guy doesn’t really believe LeBron is underrated and that he was just looking for an attention-getting headline. That’s the impression the article left me with, despite all the LeBron praise contained within. He makes a few good points. However, you can’t type this:

When James was going 2-for-18 in Game 1 or 6-of-24 in Game 2, there were questions about how so prodigious a talent could shoot so badly. But another perspective could have been, Why doesn’t it happen more often?

…and still believe that LeBron is somehow underrated. Two consecutive playoff disasters in a row? That’s unforgivable. He’s stretching with “But…why doesnt’ it happen more often” and he has to know it.

One good thing about this article – some really insightful Knicks gossip:

One of many reasons why the Knicks hired coach Mike D’Antoni was to pursue James in 2010, when he can opt out (along with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh) at the same time New York may have the room to offer him a max contract. Provided they can clear enough cap space, D’Antoni’s new Knicks would offer James the ultimate stage in New York as well as an up-tempo, open-court style featuring all of his skills. Before Game 3, James referred to D’Antoni as “an offensive mastermind,” a compliment that must send chills up the spine of Cleveland’s management.

Good stuff. Oh man – I can’t wait. When LeBron goes to the Knicks, I can change the web page colors! And Cavs fans will stop sending me hate mail! And, like most people, I hate the Knicks anyway, so it will be an easy transition.

LeBron continues bricklaying without a union card, cusses out his poor mom

Wow. So LeBron actually cussed out his mom on National TV. And he even admitted so much in a post-game interview. Yes, my friends, this actually happened.

Late in the first half, Pierce tried to wrap up James to prevent a breakaway dunk and the two of them spun into the expensive seats behind the basket, at which point James’ mother, Gloria, jumped into the fray to give Pierce a piece of her mind. Even as Pierce’s arms were wrapped around him, James was yelling at his mother to back away. “The commissioner doesn’t care if it’s your mother or your kids: You can’t allow fans and players to get involved with each other,” said James. “I told her to sit down in some language I shouldn’t have used. Thank god today wasn’t Mothers Day

Look, this is definitely hilarious, but I think LeBron actually did the right thing here, so I’m not going to rag on him too much. He was only doing what he had to do in order to protect Paul Pierce from his mom’s violent (and possibly drunken) rage. And in doing so, was also protecting his mom from the slammer. Commendable.

LeBron James vs. Gloria James

LeBron: $&#@!

KG: Dude! What the hell is wrong with you? Calm down and stop cussin’ out that poor lady!

LeBron: That’s my mom!

KG: Oh…

Paul Pierce: [instantly lets go of LeBron's arm]

On to the game – the Celts somehow dropped another game on the road despite LeBron’s continued sucking (7-20 shooting, 5-8 at the line). The announcers were forced to fall back on the “even when it appears that LeBron sucks, he ‘creates’ and is therefore actually awesome” bullshit. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

Stats recap through four games:

From the floor: 20-78 (25%)

Percentage of points from free throws: 40

In pictogram form:

LeBron lays an egg against the Celtics

Go back and read that “Is LeBron Underrated ?” article now (from a couple of posts ago). Yeah, that thing stood the test of time. He might want to rethink that whole “LeBron has no help from his anonymous loser teammates” part of the argument.

OVER-RATED

“OVER-RATED”

- an arena full of spectators

Box Score:

Ostrich LeBron lays an egg against the Celtics LeBrick Celtics beat Lebron

( LeBron chokes again )

LeBron fun facts through game two of the Celtics series:

Humiliating blowouts suffered: 1

Shot percentage: 19% (8 for 42 )

Turnovers: 17

Percentage of total points from free throws: 52% (!)

Game-tying layups missed with 9 seconds left: 1

Stat whores live by the stat sheet, stat whores die by the stat sheet. LeBron is getting murdered by the stat sheet.

Considering LeBron’s humiliating chokefest, I (half) expected the announcers to finally get off LeBron’s nuts for a while, if only to spare him the public criticism he so obviously deserved. However, defying all common sense, the ESPN crew actually ramped up the LeBrown-nosing as the second half progressed! Unbelievable. The crew busted out multiple Jordan/Oscar Robertson comparisons and even brought up last year’s Pistons game three or four times. Pathetic. Here’s a novel idea, ESPN: why don’t you encourage your announcers to discuss the actual accomplishments of the winning players (at least while their victory is in progress!) instead of praising the past victories and imaginary future accomplishments of loser-ass LeBron James in the midst of his worst meltdown ever.

Best part of game 2? LeBron’s inability to do anything right. When LeBron realized he couldn’t make a jumpshot to save his life, he resorted to his patented blind bull-rush tactics. Unfortunately for LeBron, he also couldn’t make a layup to save his life. The Celtics then decided to pile into the paint and give LeBron free looks from the three-point line. He badly bricked every single wide-open shot. Good game plan, Celtics.

Most ridiculous part of game 2? With 6 seconds left on the game clock, the refs called travelling on the Celtics as they were walking the ball up the court. They actually blew the whistle and gave the ball back to the Cavs, who then had to walk out the clock themselves. Nice.

I hope the refs are such sticklers for the rules the next time LeBron shamelessly travels with 6 seconds remaining on the game clock. Jerks.

LeBron fails to defend a layup, misses a layup to lose

LeBron is a goat
I should have passed the ball to Delonte West! Also, you gonna eat that aluminum can? Cause I’ll eat it, is all I’m sayin’.

You’d think LeBron had a legendary game by his scoring line and the BS announcer talk. However, he shot 8-21. Not so good. And he made 15 of his 34 points from the line. Thanks, refs. Those five turnovers were also a nice touch.

Box Score:

Player	FG	3P	FT	A	TO	PTS	GAME-LOSING CHOKES
LeBron James, SF	8-21	3-9	15-18	7	5	34	1*

*missed layup

The moments following LeBrick’s missed layup were unbearably tense for me, let me tell you. Even when you beat LeBron James, you can’t properly relish in the victory because you never know when the zebras might blow the super-late whistle. Caron’s quote demonstrates this sad reality:

Butler said he celebrated late, after James’ shot fell away and the confetti for victories stayed penned in the rafters, when he saw his teammates walking to the locker room. “I saw the Philadelphia game,” he said.

Even with Z shoving a Wizard into the play to manufacture a foul (just as he did against the Sixers – nice try, asshole), the refs didn’t have shit to go on. Wizards win game 5.