Lord of the Rings and Seattle SuperSonics references included.
Lord of the Rings and Seattle SuperSonics references included.
Unfortunately, Urkel’s first appearance resulted in a loss to the Oklahoma Thunder. Probably because he left his rainbow suspenders at home.
OH NO! LeBron James has injured his ring finger!
What will LeBron James do without his most useless, purposeless, unnecessary, unimportant appendage? The same thing he always does – not wear a ring on it.
It is so completely unnecessary to make another joke here. However, this is ihatelebronjames.com, and I have no choice but to do so. So, in order to honor the absurdity of LeBron James injuring his ring finger, I have collected some of the best LeBron jokes from the web in the laziest manner possible, through a google:
For those of you that can’t bring yourselves to believe that LeBron James is simply a playoff choker, there might a valid excuse floating around out there – LeBron’s girlfriend is hooking up with one of the ugliest Washington Wizards! Delonte West all over again! Poor LeBron! Oh no! The truth was uncovered by hard-hitting investigative journalist Stephen A. Smith through, uh, the grapevine or something.
Not so fast…unfortunately for you excuse-makers (and fortunately for LeBron), it appears that the whole thing is bullshit, per Rashard Lewis and common sense.
Either way – LeBron’s performance in the clutch is not very Jordan-esque. Or even Drew Gooden-esque.
This, my friends, is the stuff legends are made of. Thirty years from now, this will be referred to as “*The* Pep Talk.” LBJ is this generation’s JFK and MLK rolled into one. He is truly a Renaissance man.
What more can LeBron do to prop up his loser team? First the man delivers this truly inspiring speech, then he scores almost TEN points. For fuck’s sake, people!
Game 1 was boring and terrible. However, I did notice that during the 5 or 10 minutes I was away from the game pouring myself whiskey drinks/smoking cigarettes/smashing things, the Mavericks seemed to go on runs. Of course, when I was watching the game, all that LeBron dunking and Dywyaynye Wade three-pointer stuff happened and the Heat won. I figured that if I avoided game 2 completely, the Mavs might have a chance. I was right. Dirk and his geezer friends were able to put up a win on the Cheat in Miami with a crazy 4th quarter comeback (or so I hear).
And I didn’t have to listen to a single sound come out of Jeff van Gundy’s mouth hole. I heard just about enough of that gushing LeBron homer in game 1 to last a lifetime.
Now I won’t be able to help myself. I’ll have to watch game 3, which will probably guarantee some of the most obnoxious LeBron shenanigans yet. Goddamned universe. At least I can hit the mute button. But I won’t.
“The way it panned out with all the friends and family and the fans back home, I apologize for the way it happened,” he said.
Well…better than nothing. I guess. Note that LeBron found the courage to issue this “apology” only after his move was validated (for lack of a better word) with a series win over the Celtics. Big man.
Unfortunately for LeBron and friends, this:
Let’s get something clear – LeBron James is a straight-up cocksucker. Deadspin declares it so more eloquently than I ever could, fulfilling a Nostradamus-like prediction I made long ago that the rest of the internet would eventually become indistinguishable from ihatelebronjames.com. That might be why I’ve been so shitty about updating this site – there wasn’t much of a need, was there? Plus, being right about everything all the time has kept me pretty busy.
But here I am, back in the game. Let’s recap all of the LeBron James-related shit that’s gone down since I’ve been absent.
LeBron wasted no time playing games when it came to his Nike contract, unceremoniously signing a contract extension way back in May. Strange, considering NBA free agency was months away at the time and one would think that LeBron’s value to Nike depends mightily on the size of the market of LeBron’s next team. Did LeBron give Nike the inside scoop on his NBA free agency decision? Did Nike give LeBron orders to move to a major market? Or did Nike and LeBron (correctly) conclude that jackoff fair weather fans will buy LeBron jerseys no matter where he lands?
Well…this kid won’t buy a LeBron jersey any time soon. But most other kids (who have not been directly and personally insulted by LeBron) will continue to think that LeBron is totally awesome and shell out big bucks for his shoes and shit. So as long as the fair-weather fanbase stays intact, It doesn’t even matter if LeBron stays in Cleveland or leaves for LA. Hell, Nike probably just assumes that since LeBron is a just a humble kid from Akron, loyal to his community above all else, he would never bail on the state of Ohio. He even has a loyalty tattoo on his rib cage, for fuck’s sake. People really want to believe that LeBron is staying in Cleveland:
James, who wasn’t wooed and recruited by colleges because everyone knew he was NBA-bound, probably will visit several teams come July. Big on drama, he might let the suspense build to a crescendo. But in the end, Cavs fans should let these words from James comfort them.
“The city of Akron means so much to me,” he said. “Akron, Ohio, is my life. I love this city.”
Cavs owner Dan Gilbert, who sat on stage with James, is convinced, or at the very least, feigning conviction, saying, “I’m sure we’ll be here next year with MV3.”
With Nike stuff out of the way, let’s move on to the playoffs…
At the first sign of trouble, LeBron preemptively prepared a nice little excuse for losing, Pete Sampras-style (as if most of you fuckers even know who that is). Then things get worse. Turns out, LeBron has been spoiling his teammates with his exemplary play for years. They never really learned how to play basketball! Fuuuuck! That’s the kind of shit that playoff competition exposes. Fortunately, LeBron was clever enough to abandon the flawed “give the man a fish” philosophy and adopt the obviously superior “teach a man to fish” approach. Unfortunately, however, LeBron’s teaching method involved forcing his team sit around and watch him clang every basketball in sight off the iron and into the stands. Whoops! Not a good example to set for your impressionable students.
In the end, the Cavs continued their predictable regression with LeBron and Mr. Potatohead at the helm and were again dumped from the playoffs (well, I predicted it, anyway). LeBron’s 2010 playoffs in pictograph form, for fans of the old site:
All was not lost for the Chosen One, however. Finally liberated from the annoying basketball-playing part of basketball, LeBron was able to concentrate on what really matters – free agency. King James wasted no time assembling his all-star team of advisors. Of course, Mark Cuban jumped the gun and got fined 100K right out of the gate with some vague comment about a sign-and-trade. Sorry, Mr. Cuban – you can’t have the Chicago Cubs and you can’t even talk about having LeBron James. Then Steve Kerr got fined. It wasn’t long before Jay-Z got himself in the mix. Then all hell broke loose. LeBron and friends had a free agency super summit. Sportscenter jizzed its pants. Repeatedly. The already out-of-control hype reached an unprecedented level of mega-annoying. Then LeBron kicked it up a few more notches when he decided to literally hold court. It was decreed that if any of the King’s subjects sought an audience with their ruler, they had to grovel at King James’ feet as guests of the royal court. The Nets are set to be first up. The city of New York threw a party in the King’s honor. Not sure what happened with the Mavs or LA. I think the Bulls were up last. It’s a mad house all around.
LeBron interviewed his suitors in one frantic week. The Knicks prepared a ridiculous powerpoint presentation (of course it was leaked) that basically amounted to a list of the various reasons why LeBron should not go to other teams. And why coming to New York would not necessarily get him a title, but would surely land him the billionaire status he covets. In Miami, greasy-ass Pat Riley showed off his rings. The Bulls probably tried to talk up the franchise’s winning ways and major market earning potential (without using the words “Michael Jordan,” “legacy,” “high expectations,” or “asshole Chicago fans will turn on you like a rabid badger the second you fuck up and we all know you will because that’s all you’ve ever done and remember that one time Jordan took Craig Ehlo’s face off and fucked Cleveland off the map for a decade we fucking hate Cleveland you dick”).
Now Bosh and Wade have committed to Miami. Stoudemire has signed on with Knicks. And who gives a fuck about Joe Johnson? All will be revealed tonight during a ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME PRIME TIME TV EVENT!!! Only then will I know if I have to change my website’s colors. With any luck, some asshole will leak the decision and totally ruin the special.
While you’re waiting, entertain yourself with this little sideshow – a few months back, LeBron continued his annual tradition of losing at basketball to some random dude off the street (this time to a busboy on national television). Enjoy.
LeBron does the most shamefully pathetic dive of his career, gets the call:
Gets two free points, ties the game with seconds to go:
Sideshow Bob mugs Howard, no call:
Stan Van Gundy is all like “WTF?!”
Overtime, clock ticking down, LeBron gets a shot off…BRICK.