Tag Archives: not all Cavs fans are jerks

An Open Letter to Clevelanders

9 Jul

Dearest Cleveland,

You should have listened to me.  As I predicted all along, LeBron James has abandoned you.  You can now see LeBron’s despicable douchebaggery for the despicable douchebaggery that it is.  Actually – it’s less “can now see” and more “you have absolutely no choice but to be forced to watch.”  He took your money, snagged a few MVP trophies, quit on the team, and then hopped on the first (well, second) bus out of town.

I must applaud Dan Gilbert for dropping the truth on that spoiled crybaby in public.  I have never seen such a thing in my entire life.  And I’m so old that I actually smoke a pipe, so that’s saying something.  It’s one thing when the Bernard Watkinses of the world rant on jerks, but it’s another thing entirely when the owner of a sports team goes off on somebody on the record.  In an open letter.  Posted to the team’s official website.  Not surprisingly, EPNBAvid $tern has already mobilized his crack squad of goon journalists to shit all over Mr Gilbert and his message.  But whatever, Dan Gilbert is no Al Davis.  And he speaks the truth.

Unfortunately, it’s not all Kumbayah, assholes.  Frankly, the pain you feel right now is your penance for forcing the rest of the NBA to watch you stroke your rock-hard LeBoner in public for the better part of a decade.  And you deserve it.  Accept your punishment and let the painful truth wash over you.  Embrace it.  Because when the pain subsides, you will be left with only hate.  Let the words of Dan Gilbert inspire you in 20-point comic book font:

You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal…

“I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE”

You can take it to the bank.

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our “motivation” to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.

I would like to formally welcome you to ihatelebronjames.com, Clevelanders.

Thank you.

Bernard G. Watkins

PS:  Rest assured, I am working very hard to switch the site over to Miami Heat’s ugly-ass black, red, and orange color scheme.

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I’m interviewed by a legitimate Cavaliers site

26 Dec

As LeBron has become more of an abrasive a-hole, Cleveland fans have become a little more open-minded when it comes to accepting that LeBron Jame might not be the greatest thing in the universe after all.  So open-minded that one Cavs super-fan, Amar from Cavalier Attitude, actually wanted to seriously interview me.

Check my interview with Cavalier Attitude here.  At first I thought it had to be a trap, but I must say that it was a fair interview from a serious website. As you can see from the responses to the interview, some of the more rational Cavs fans found themselves agreeing with me on some points (though quite a bit more still hate my guts and refuse to see the truth, of course).

It was definitely an interesting experience.  I wish they had interviewed me after the full-blown New York Knicks fiasco, though!

Go visit Cavalier Attitude to read the full interview.  If the link doesn’t work, shoot me an email and I’ll post the full interview here.

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