Tag Archives: nike’s global domination

Nike’s overly-defensive “Earned Not Given” shirt

26 Jun

nike earned not given shirt worn by LeBron James

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nike just wants to make it clear that the most coddled athlete in recent memory, one that refers to himself as “King James” and was anointed “The Chosen One” before graduating high school, has legitimately earned his ring. And it like totally TOTALLY wasn’t given to him. No way. In case somebody thinks that it was. But why would they? That’s CRAZY. So yeah, just in case – this shirt.

Have you ever seen a more defensive victory shirt in your life? Did Tom Brady and Bill Belichick wear a “We could have won without videotaping. Honestly, we could have.” shirt after winning a Superbowl?

You know what?  I kind of like this preemptive approach.  I’m going to walk into work tomorrow and declare at the staff meeting that I did NOT steal three cases of printer toner and sell them in the OfficeMax parking lot.  Just so everybody knows.

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LeBron Opens Up in his Most Revealing Interview Yet

11 Jan

In the aftermath of the unmitigated disaster that was “The Decision,” it was clear that LeBron’s public relations team had to completely re-think their strategy. Initially, they formulated a plan to duct tape LeBron’s mouth shut whenever he wasn’t playing basketball. However, they failed to account for the fact that LeBron weighs 250 pounds and is incredibly strong. That plan did not succeed.

Next, Nike stopped messing around and brought out the big guns, created a confusing hour-long commercial that attempted to put the public in the millionaire crybaby’s shoes. In doing so, they hoped that LeBron’s misguided but loyal fans would sympathize with his plight to screw them over in order to do whatever the fuck he wants to do. You know – heavy is the head that wears the crown and all that. This plan failed as well. In fact, it made things quite a bit worse, especially for Clevelanders. This outcome wasn’t too hard to predict, considering the commercial was totally retarded and condescending.  It even included a Don Johnson cameo.

Left with few other options, LeBron’s downtrodden handlers decided to return to the PR guy’s best friend – the softball interview. But wait…wasn’t “The Decision” itself a softball interview?  Hell, they actually paid that guy to lob softballs. And LeBron *still* screwed it up. “Fuuuuck us,” the poor PR team exclaimed as they cried into their Michelob Ultras.

Then something magical happened. Just  just as Nike was about to send a hit squad to take out the miserable PR idiots, one of them had a Don Draper moment:

“Hey fellow PR goons!  I’ve got it!”

[suspenseful pause]

“Check this – we can have little British kids ask The King questions, screen them very carefully, and then have him answer them on tape so we can delete the most retarded responses!  And here’s the best part – since these factory town kids probably have mercury poisoning, most people won’t even be able to understand the crap coming out of their mush-mouths!”

And lo and behold – it worked!  See!:

Q: Are you taller than a giraffe?

LJ: I am tall, but I am not taller than a giraffe.

Success!

Well…maybe not a complete success.  Not sure how this one got through the filter:

Q: What’s your proudest moment?

 LJ: I’d have to say my proudest moment would be winning a national championship in high school.

I guess if you haven’t won an NBA championship, your next proudest moment would have to be the championship you did win.  The coveted high school championship.

Wait a second…doesn’t LeBron have two sons?  Ouch.

Enjoy the whole ridiculous thing:

 

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The Greatest Moment in the History of the Universe Approaches…

8 Jul

Let’s get something clear – LeBron James is a straight-up cocksucker. Deadspin declares it so more eloquently than I ever could, fulfilling a Nostradamus-like prediction I made long ago that the rest of the internet would eventually become indistinguishable from ihatelebronjames.com.  That might be why I’ve been so shitty about updating this site – there wasn’t much of a need, was there?  Plus, being right about everything all the time has kept me pretty busy.

But here I am, back in the game.  Let’s recap all of the LeBron James-related shit that’s gone down since I’ve been absent.

LeBron wasted no time playing games when it came to his Nike contract, unceremoniously signing a contract extension way back in May.  Strange, considering NBA free agency was months away at the time and one would think that LeBron’s value to Nike depends mightily on the size of the market of LeBron’s next team.  Did LeBron give Nike the inside scoop on his NBA free agency decision?  Did Nike give LeBron orders to move to a major market?  Or did Nike and LeBron (correctly) conclude that jackoff fair weather fans will buy LeBron jerseys no matter where he lands?

Well…this kid won’t buy a LeBron jersey any time soon.  But most other kids (who have not been directly and personally insulted by LeBron) will continue to think that LeBron is totally awesome and shell out big bucks for his shoes and shit.  So as long as the fair-weather fanbase stays intact, It doesn’t even matter if LeBron stays in Cleveland or leaves for LA.  Hell, Nike probably just assumes that since LeBron is a just a humble kid from Akron, loyal to his community above all else, he would never bail on the state of Ohio.  He even has a loyalty tattoo on his rib cage, for fuck’s sake.  People really want to believe that LeBron is staying in Cleveland:

James, who wasn’t wooed and recruited by colleges because everyone knew he was NBA-bound, probably will visit several teams come July. Big on drama, he might let the suspense build to a crescendo. But in the end, Cavs fans should let these words from James comfort them.

“The city of Akron means so much to me,” he said. “Akron, Ohio, is my life. I love this city.”

Cavs owner Dan Gilbert, who sat on stage with James, is convinced, or at the very least, feigning conviction, saying, “I’m sure we’ll be here next year with MV3.”

With Nike stuff out of the way, let’s move on to the playoffs…

At the first sign of trouble, LeBron preemptively prepared a nice little excuse for losing, Pete Sampras-style (as if most of you fuckers even know who that is).  Then things get worse.  Turns out, LeBron has been spoiling his teammates with his exemplary play for years.  They never really learned how to play basketball!  Fuuuuck!  That’s the kind of shit that playoff competition exposes.  Fortunately, LeBron was clever enough to abandon the flawed “give the man a fish” philosophy and adopt the obviously superior “teach a man to fish” approach.  Unfortunately, however, LeBron’s teaching method involved forcing his team sit around and watch him clang every basketball in sight off the iron and into the stands.  Whoops!  Not a good example to set for your impressionable students.

In the end, the Cavs continued their predictable regression with LeBron and Mr. Potatohead at the helm and were again dumped from the playoffs (well, I predicted it, anyway).  LeBron’s 2010 playoffs in pictograph form, for fans of the old site:

lebron-lays-another-egg

All was not lost for the Chosen One, however.  Finally liberated from the annoying basketball-playing part of basketball, LeBron was able to concentrate on what really matters – free agency.  King James wasted no time assembling his all-star team of advisors.  Of course, Mark Cuban jumped the gun and got fined 100K right out of the gate with some vague comment about a sign-and-trade.  Sorry, Mr. Cuban – you can’t have the Chicago Cubs and you can’t even talk about having LeBron James.   Then Steve Kerr got fined.  It wasn’t long before Jay-Z got himself in the mix.  Then all hell broke loose.  LeBron and friends had a free agency super summit.  Sportscenter jizzed its pants.  Repeatedly.  The already out-of-control hype reached an unprecedented level of mega-annoying.  Then LeBron kicked it up a few more notches when he decided to literally hold court.  It was decreed that if any of the King’s subjects sought an audience with their ruler, they had to grovel at King James’ feet as guests of the royal court.  The Nets are set to be first up.  The city of New York threw a party in the King’s honor.  Not sure what happened with the Mavs or LA.  I think the Bulls were up last.  It’s a mad house all around.

LeBron interviewed his suitors in one frantic week.  The Knicks prepared a ridiculous powerpoint presentation (of course it was leaked) that basically amounted to a list of the various reasons why LeBron should not go to other teams.  And why coming to New York would not necessarily get him a title, but would surely land him the billionaire status he covets.  In Miami, greasy-ass Pat Riley showed off his rings.  The Bulls probably tried to talk up the franchise’s winning ways and major market earning potential (without using the words “Michael Jordan,” “legacy,” “high expectations,” or “asshole Chicago fans will turn on you like a rabid badger the second you fuck up and we all know you will because that’s all you’ve ever done and remember that one time Jordan took Craig Ehlo’s face off and fucked Cleveland off the map for a decade we fucking hate Cleveland you dick”).

Now Bosh and Wade have committed to Miami.  Stoudemire has signed on with Knicks.  And who gives a fuck about Joe Johnson?  All will be revealed tonight during a ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME PRIME TIME TV EVENT!!!  Only then will I know if I have to change my website’s colors.  With any luck, some asshole will leak the decision and totally ruin the special.

While you’re waiting, entertain yourself with this little sideshow – a few months back, LeBron continued his annual tradition of losing at basketball to some random dude off the street (this time to a busboy on national television).  Enjoy.

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LeBron’s Biggest Fan

3 Sep

Uh…

Wow.

[shudder]

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“Pulling a LeBron”

10 Jul

Main Entry: 1pull a LeBron

Pronunciation: \?pu?l ? l?-brä?’ also ?p?l ? l?-brä?’\

Function: transitive verb

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English pullian; akin to Middle Low German pulen to shell, combined with proper noun LeBron/LeBron James [exp], contemporary

Date: 2009

transitive verb 1 a: to become humiliated by an inferior member of peer-group b : to refuse to acknowledge failure [ref] c : to strain abnormally in order to prevent exposure of embarrassment d : willful suppression evidence (of failure)

Let’s examine a sequence of events so compelling that they necessitated an expansion of the English language itself:

LeBron gets dunked on by a college kid.

Nike, in a disastrous lapse in judgment, quickly confiscates the tapes.

Shit blows up.

Oh my.  This is a story. If you’ll remember, LeBron was blocked by a high school kid at his camp a few years ago.  And he was badly beaten in a game of horse by a warehouse worker in 2008.  That was well-documented.  So while this wasn’t the first time LeBron was humiliated by a mere mortal, it was certainly his most public humiliation.

Soon after this story broke, Philip Rivers was showed-up by a high schooler at his camp.  So perfect.  “Getting LeBron’d” officially enters the lexicon.

Is LeBron’s ego really this fragile? Is Nike really this over-protective of their little baby? Yes and yes.

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ESPNBAvid $tern – The Movie

23 May

I’ve been getting a ton of email about the “The Greatest Tragedy in Sports,”  an amateur documentary detailing David Stern’s douchebaggery from the 1985 Ewing draft lottery conspiracy to the 2002 Lakers/Kings Western Conference Final.  I thought I’d finally post something.  I’m not saying I think every claim this guy makes is legit.  I have no idea if it’s all true or even mostly true.  But I can tell you this – it’s not all bogus.  If even one tenth of this stuff has merit, ESPNBAvid $tern is a total jerk.  This documentary was obviously made by a Sacramento Kings fan/Lakers hater.  So why is this important for ihatelebronjames.com?  Because it makes the same argument that I’ve made here (of course a bit more seriously and with much higher production values) – that the NBA has become a choreographed joke based on superstar worship.  The shenanigans described in this documentary have become firmly and permanently entrenched in the NBA to such an extent that sportscasters refuse to write about favoritism, or worse – they accept it as a normal part of the game.  The governing philosophy of the David Stern era – that superstars generate super profits – benefits the Lakers, Celtics, Jordans, and Kobes of the world to the detriment to the rest of the players and teams.  LeBron James is currently the primary beneficiary.  He’s fine with that.  ESPN is fine with that.  Nike is fine with that.  Gatorade is fine with that.  If you’re a fan of the Atlanta Hawks, Charlotte Bobcats, Los Angeles Clippers, Washington Wizards, Milwaukee Bucks, Minnesota Timberwolves, Toronto Raptors, Oklahoma City Thunder, Portland Trailblazers, Golden State Warriors, Memphis Grizzlies, New Orleans Hornets, or Sacramento Kings, you’re not fine with that.

“The Greatest Tragedy in Sports” – Part 1(of 9):

If the above embed doesn’t work, here is the link.

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LeBron James and Jay-Z are now a “We”…and no more endorsements

15 May

LeBron and Jay-Z have merged their persons to invent a new business concept.  Like Voltron dressed in a tacky suit.  Instead of totally awesome lazers, this money-making machine is armed with…uh…douchey sunglasses?

Seriously, read the story.  What a bunch of bullshit.  A couple of egomaniacal pop icons unite to wine and dine a bunch of rich jerks and fool themselves into thinking that they have discovered a revolutionary new business paradigm.  Okay.  Sure.  LeBron and Jay-Z are business pioneers like dudes smoking weed in the parking lot of Dairy Queen at 3 am and staring up at the stars are astrophysicists.

lebron-and-jay-z“We don’t want to do endorsement deals anymore,” said James as he stood next to Jay-Z. “When I talk to Jay, we always talk about creating relationships and friendships not endorsement deals where you pay me money and I hold up a product. We don’t do that. We all got money in here.”

No more endoresments? Okay.  These quotes are from February.  It’s May.  Shockingly, I have seen hundreds of LeBron commercials.  I’ve even seen one as recently as five fucking seconds ago.  What happened?

(with Yankees hat)

(with Yankees hat)

lebron-wtflebron-vitamin-waterlebron-spritelebron-poweradelebron-cokethe-lebronslebron-nike-shilllebron-bubble-gum

Ugh. Obviously, I left out dozens of examples.  I was getting bored.  And nauseous.  I think I made my point.

So LeBron’s quest to be the world’s first billionaire athlete continues.  Too bad Michael Schumacher already got there in 2005, so that distinction is no longer up for grabs (thanks for the info, Brian).  With Tiger Woods on pace to cross the billion dollar threshold in 2010, LeBron will be, at best, third to that party.  Behind a race car driver and golfer.

So, poor, misguided Clevelanders, stop pretending that this New York deal isn’t going to happen.  It is going down.  Knicks, Jay-Z’s Bronx Bombers, whatever.  LeBron is gonna get that munny.  If that doesn’t work, LeBron might sell clones of himself.  Or shill for Coke and Pepsi.  Or sell his soul to the devil (wait, I think ESPNBAvid $tern already owns that).

lebron-the-power-shill“Green is the most beautiful color in the world,” said James as he raised his glass. “That’s how you create partnerships, with the color green.”

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CHALK

23 Dec

Because the chalk clap commercial wasn’t lame enough on it’s own – introducing the chalk shoe.

Only LeBron can take something as lame as clapping talcum power or chalk or whatever that crap is, make it his trademark, build an advertising campaign out of it, and then create yet another retarded signature shoe in honor of it.

Guess trademarking a chalk clap is still better than trademarking an awkward-looking off-balance jumper clanging off the side of the rim.

Who is buying these ridiculous shoes outside of LeBron’s entourage?

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LeBron still unsure if genocide is bad…somehow

15 Aug

If you’ll remember, way back when Darfur first starting making the news, LeBron refused to sign one of his teammate’s Darfur petition because he wanted to “do more research” on the topic or some other such bullshit.  When all was said and done, it was pretty significant PR fiasco and LeBron was left with quite a bit of egg on his face.  And deservedly so.  He didn’t sign the petition.

Fast forward a year to the 2008 Olympics in Bejing.  Apparently, a year was simply not enough time for LeBron to properly research the issue and decide that Darfur genocide was unquestionably a bad thing, because he just couldn’t bring himself to condemn genocide during the Olympics.  He never did sign his teammate’s petition, either.  And when a group of over one hundred athletes decided to stage an organized protest during the Olympics, LeBron was conspicuously absent, despite the fact that he had earlier promised in a public statement that he would later issue some kind of…er…future public statment statement with, uh, some guys, or, err…something.

Could it be any more plainly obvious that concerns over Nike’s mega-money dominate LeBron’s every decision?  He couldn’t and wouldn’t even condemn GENOCIDE, the worst evil perpetrated by man, even though it had already given him a massive PR black eye once before, even though he was already in the public eye to respond, and even though hundreds of other athletes joined together in a public protest during an Olympics where he was probably the biggest draw behind Michael Phelps and Chinese NBA stars.

Since LeBron proably isn’t pure evil, there has to be something more going on here.  That something is pretty obvious.  So let’s explore why LeBron couldn’t bring himself to condemn something as atrocious as genocide by playing a little game of connect-the-dots:

LeBron receives what probably amounts to hundreds of millions of dollars from Nike.

Nike makes millions of pairs of shoes in China and other parts of China-dominated Asia, paying workers an unconscionable $1.75 per day (selling shoes for $150 that cost less than $5 to produce).

China runs on Sudanese oil (it imports 70% of Sudan’s total oil exports) and provides the genocide-condoning Sudanese government with diplomatic protection and arms, and is the chief investor in government-sanctioned business dealings in Sudan.

So, if that’s too complicated for you – I’ll break it down a little bit more: LeBron can’t say one bad thing about the Darfur genocide/Sudan in fear of angering his evil master’s evil master.  It’s all about getting the money for LeBron.

Pathetic.

Try and defend this, King James worshippers.  You can’t.  It’s absolutley, unbelievably, ridiculously indefensible (although Michael Wilbon tried – good work, asshole).

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NYC, All-Nike Team, Fines, Flops, Refs

4 Jul

Suck on this obviously choreographed LeBron/NYC photo op, Cavs fans. Wow. More on this later.

A couple of stories I’ve missed because I’ve been taking my usual post-playoffs break from LeBullshit:

First up – Tim Donaghy and game fixing. Ah, the Donaghy scandal(s). When Donoughy got busted, it demonstrated as a matter of fact that all-powerful NBA refs are capable of massive sleazebaggery. It was pretty shocking, but the scandal was successfully contained by the NBA and we were led to believe that the whole fiasco extended to a crazy rogue ref and affected a couple of inconsequential games.

Then Donaghy pulled a full-on Jose Canseco and the issue was no longer containable. According to Donaghy, an inner-circle of sycophantic refs working in cahoots with league goons created an atmosphere in which star players were not called for technical fouls (LeBitching at refs without punishment, LeBron’s famous LeElbows, etc.) and that bogus calls/no-calls (“the travel” anyone?) were made to force TV-friendly matchups, game sevens, and to prop up popular stars in the league. Think about the Celtics/Cavs series – how many games did LeBron play like absolute trash (see previous posts), and still wind up taking 20 free throws, keeping the Cavs in the game and therefore in the series? The answer is…surprise…almost every game in the series.

Donaghy and Mike Brown cheating and stuff

[Way too easy. See the internet for *tons* of hilarious captions.]

Predicatably, ESPNBAvid $tern stonewalled (and still stonewalls) on this issue. This is how I see it – nine times out of ten, this pleading the fifth bullshit is basically an admission of guilt. Any reasonable person can see that this crap is happening on a regular basis or, at the very least, that the existence of game fixing is very likely and warrants serious investigation. Jeff van Gundy, Phil Jackson, and a slew of other coaches and players are on record agreeing with Donaghy’s accusations.

On to a tengentially related ref story – the NBA announced that it will begin fining floppers next season. At first, I thought this would be a good thing, because it would stop LeBron from doing things like pretending he was poked in the eye when he wasn’t and putting flagrant fouls on opposing players. I was totally psyched about it. Then I thought about it for about ten seconds and realized that the league will never do anything to fuck LeBron over. So, sadly, I concluded that the new rules will actually make opposing players more afraid of taking charges from LeBron, which is basically the only thing a defender can do to stop LeBron, since if you actually try to block his shots or steal the ball you are automatically called for a foul. Plus, LeBron clearly doesn’t give a crap about fines since he is, uh, kind of rich. Very, very depressing development. Ugh.

Next up – NYC. See the LeBron/Statue of Liberty picture. The whole LeBron to NY story has gone from conjecture to pretty much a foregone conclusion and I love it. Poor, poor Clevelanders. Trade him now and get some value.

Finally, on to the US All-Nike Olympic team. Yeah – so the Coach K’s US Olympic team is made up of all Nike-sponsored players except for Dwight Howard (Adidas). That’s just fantastic. Looks like Gilbert was on to something when he said that it appeared the roster was set before tryouts. Apparently unconcerned about keeping up appearances, Nike promptly announced a documentary series about the team’s road back to the Olympics to air on ESPN.

For you conspiracy buffs out there, I’ll leave you with Nike’s official team photo. Notice that Dwight Howard is covering up the Nike swoosh on his shorts. Most importantly, notice that a freakishly enormous rat has been dressed in human clothing and posed in a sitting position, blocking Dwight Howard’s Adidas shoes. Hmmm…

USA All-Nike Team

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