Tag Archives: LeBron to NYC

The Greatest Moment in the History of the Universe Approaches…

8 Jul

Let’s get something clear – LeBron James is a straight-up cocksucker. Deadspin declares it so more eloquently than I ever could, fulfilling a Nostradamus-like prediction I made long ago that the rest of the internet would eventually become indistinguishable from ihatelebronjames.com.  That might be why I’ve been so shitty about updating this site – there wasn’t much of a need, was there?  Plus, being right about everything all the time has kept me pretty busy.

But here I am, back in the game.  Let’s recap all of the LeBron James-related shit that’s gone down since I’ve been absent.

LeBron wasted no time playing games when it came to his Nike contract, unceremoniously signing a contract extension way back in May.  Strange, considering NBA free agency was months away at the time and one would think that LeBron’s value to Nike depends mightily on the size of the market of LeBron’s next team.  Did LeBron give Nike the inside scoop on his NBA free agency decision?  Did Nike give LeBron orders to move to a major market?  Or did Nike and LeBron (correctly) conclude that jackoff fair weather fans will buy LeBron jerseys no matter where he lands?

Well…this kid won’t buy a LeBron jersey any time soon.  But most other kids (who have not been directly and personally insulted by LeBron) will continue to think that LeBron is totally awesome and shell out big bucks for his shoes and shit.  So as long as the fair-weather fanbase stays intact, It doesn’t even matter if LeBron stays in Cleveland or leaves for LA.  Hell, Nike probably just assumes that since LeBron is a just a humble kid from Akron, loyal to his community above all else, he would never bail on the state of Ohio.  He even has a loyalty tattoo on his rib cage, for fuck’s sake.  People really want to believe that LeBron is staying in Cleveland:

James, who wasn’t wooed and recruited by colleges because everyone knew he was NBA-bound, probably will visit several teams come July. Big on drama, he might let the suspense build to a crescendo. But in the end, Cavs fans should let these words from James comfort them.

“The city of Akron means so much to me,” he said. “Akron, Ohio, is my life. I love this city.”

Cavs owner Dan Gilbert, who sat on stage with James, is convinced, or at the very least, feigning conviction, saying, “I’m sure we’ll be here next year with MV3.”

With Nike stuff out of the way, let’s move on to the playoffs…

At the first sign of trouble, LeBron preemptively prepared a nice little excuse for losing, Pete Sampras-style (as if most of you fuckers even know who that is).  Then things get worse.  Turns out, LeBron has been spoiling his teammates with his exemplary play for years.  They never really learned how to play basketball!  Fuuuuck!  That’s the kind of shit that playoff competition exposes.  Fortunately, LeBron was clever enough to abandon the flawed “give the man a fish” philosophy and adopt the obviously superior “teach a man to fish” approach.  Unfortunately, however, LeBron’s teaching method involved forcing his team sit around and watch him clang every basketball in sight off the iron and into the stands.  Whoops!  Not a good example to set for your impressionable students.

In the end, the Cavs continued their predictable regression with LeBron and Mr. Potatohead at the helm and were again dumped from the playoffs (well, I predicted it, anyway).  LeBron’s 2010 playoffs in pictograph form, for fans of the old site:

lebron-lays-another-egg

All was not lost for the Chosen One, however.  Finally liberated from the annoying basketball-playing part of basketball, LeBron was able to concentrate on what really matters – free agency.  King James wasted no time assembling his all-star team of advisors.  Of course, Mark Cuban jumped the gun and got fined 100K right out of the gate with some vague comment about a sign-and-trade.  Sorry, Mr. Cuban – you can’t have the Chicago Cubs and you can’t even talk about having LeBron James.   Then Steve Kerr got fined.  It wasn’t long before Jay-Z got himself in the mix.  Then all hell broke loose.  LeBron and friends had a free agency super summit.  Sportscenter jizzed its pants.  Repeatedly.  The already out-of-control hype reached an unprecedented level of mega-annoying.  Then LeBron kicked it up a few more notches when he decided to literally hold court.  It was decreed that if any of the King’s subjects sought an audience with their ruler, they had to grovel at King James’ feet as guests of the royal court.  The Nets are set to be first up.  The city of New York threw a party in the King’s honor.  Not sure what happened with the Mavs or LA.  I think the Bulls were up last.  It’s a mad house all around.

LeBron interviewed his suitors in one frantic week.  The Knicks prepared a ridiculous powerpoint presentation (of course it was leaked) that basically amounted to a list of the various reasons why LeBron should not go to other teams.  And why coming to New York would not necessarily get him a title, but would surely land him the billionaire status he covets.  In Miami, greasy-ass Pat Riley showed off his rings.  The Bulls probably tried to talk up the franchise’s winning ways and major market earning potential (without using the words “Michael Jordan,” “legacy,” “high expectations,” or “asshole Chicago fans will turn on you like a rabid badger the second you fuck up and we all know you will because that’s all you’ve ever done and remember that one time Jordan took Craig Ehlo’s face off and fucked Cleveland off the map for a decade we fucking hate Cleveland you dick”).

Now Bosh and Wade have committed to Miami.  Stoudemire has signed on with Knicks.  And who gives a fuck about Joe Johnson?  All will be revealed tonight during a ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME PRIME TIME TV EVENT!!!  Only then will I know if I have to change my website’s colors.  With any luck, some asshole will leak the decision and totally ruin the special.

While you’re waiting, entertain yourself with this little sideshow – a few months back, LeBron continued his annual tradition of losing at basketball to some random dude off the street (this time to a busboy on national television).  Enjoy.

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LeBron James and Jay-Z are now a “We”…and no more endorsements

15 May

LeBron and Jay-Z have merged their persons to invent a new business concept.  Like Voltron dressed in a tacky suit.  Instead of totally awesome lazers, this money-making machine is armed with…uh…douchey sunglasses?

Seriously, read the story.  What a bunch of bullshit.  A couple of egomaniacal pop icons unite to wine and dine a bunch of rich jerks and fool themselves into thinking that they have discovered a revolutionary new business paradigm.  Okay.  Sure.  LeBron and Jay-Z are business pioneers like dudes smoking weed in the parking lot of Dairy Queen at 3 am and staring up at the stars are astrophysicists.

lebron-and-jay-z“We don’t want to do endorsement deals anymore,” said James as he stood next to Jay-Z. “When I talk to Jay, we always talk about creating relationships and friendships not endorsement deals where you pay me money and I hold up a product. We don’t do that. We all got money in here.”

No more endoresments? Okay.  These quotes are from February.  It’s May.  Shockingly, I have seen hundreds of LeBron commercials.  I’ve even seen one as recently as five fucking seconds ago.  What happened?

(with Yankees hat)

(with Yankees hat)

lebron-wtflebron-vitamin-waterlebron-spritelebron-poweradelebron-cokethe-lebronslebron-nike-shilllebron-bubble-gum

Ugh. Obviously, I left out dozens of examples.  I was getting bored.  And nauseous.  I think I made my point.

So LeBron’s quest to be the world’s first billionaire athlete continues.  Too bad Michael Schumacher already got there in 2005, so that distinction is no longer up for grabs (thanks for the info, Brian).  With Tiger Woods on pace to cross the billion dollar threshold in 2010, LeBron will be, at best, third to that party.  Behind a race car driver and golfer.

So, poor, misguided Clevelanders, stop pretending that this New York deal isn’t going to happen.  It is going down.  Knicks, Jay-Z’s Bronx Bombers, whatever.  LeBron is gonna get that munny.  If that doesn’t work, LeBron might sell clones of himself.  Or shill for Coke and Pepsi.  Or sell his soul to the devil (wait, I think ESPNBAvid $tern already owns that).

lebron-the-power-shill“Green is the most beautiful color in the world,” said James as he raised his glass. “That’s how you create partnerships, with the color green.”

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Dear Cleveland, I hate you guys. Sincerely, LeBron James

27 Dec

Recently, Lebron threw Clevelanders a bone by mentioning that he might agree to a contract extension ahead of his 2010 free agency.  For some reason, Clevelanders seem to have bought it hook, line, and sinker (considering all the “see, that proves LeBron loves us” emails I’ve gotten).  Oh, how quickly you forget, gullible residents of the Mistake on the Burning Lake.  I’d like to take this chance to remind you all just how many times LeBron has insulted you and your fair city before you get too giddy and buy into LeBron’s empty little PR ploy:

First, here are some choice quotes and news stories from the LeBron/NY love affair (weight this against his single “I might consider…possibly, perhaps staying in…*cough*…Cleveland” quote):

You have to stay open-minded if you’re a Knicks fan. … If you guys want to sleep right now and don’t wake up until July 1, 2010, then go ahead. It’s going to be a big day.

We got really close. Coach D’Antoni gave me a lot of freedom, he allowed me to play every position I wanted to play, I was the leader of that team, but I was also like the overseer of some offensive plays.

To be a part of that chemistry, be part of the offensive mastermind that Coach D’Antoni is, that was great.

We were able to do some things on offense that were really unstoppable with the Olympic team.

When asked about the prospect of joining the Knicks:

It would be unfair to bring that kind of distraction to our team and my teammates, the coach and the rest of the organization,” James said. “I think July 1, 2010 will be one the bigger days in free agent history.

Sure, buddy.  Then there was the leak from LeBron’s NBA power-player pal that he favors a Knicks trade.  Pretty damning stuff. As if anybody outside Cleveland didn’t know that already, considering LeBron unveiled his new Big Apple shoe in New York, during a game against the Knicks, to a thunderous round of applause from New Yorkers.  Applause LeBron gladly accepted.

Then there was LeBron’s overly-defensive reaction to Charles Barkely calling him out.  It never escalated to a proper feud, but it was nice.

Charles: The outside forces should never affect your locker room. I think LeBron has made some of the right comments, but he hasn’t made the perfect comment. He still alienated 11 guys in his locker room…

If I was LeBron James, I would shut the hell up.

LeBron: He’s stupid. That’s all I’ve got to say about that.

Charles: LeBron James is one of my favorite players, but he’s been 100 percent wrong in this situation Barkley said. It’s unfair to the city of Cleveland and it’s unfair to the Cleveland Cavaliers team. If it was a year away it would still be unfortunate. I wish he would sign a lifetime deal with the Cavaliers.

LeBron: I guarantee that I will move to New York.  I’d rather die than stay in this shithole.  Le-Bron Ja-Mes. Clap. Clap. Clap Clap Clap.

And don’t forget LeBron’s public displays of disrespect for Ohio’s other sports franchises!

I grew up in Ohio, but I love the Yankees.

I grew up in Ohio, but I love the Yankees.

I grew up in Ohio, but I love the Cowboys.

I grew up in Ohio, but I love the Cowboys.

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NYC, All-Nike Team, Fines, Flops, Refs

4 Jul

Suck on this obviously choreographed LeBron/NYC photo op, Cavs fans. Wow. More on this later.

A couple of stories I’ve missed because I’ve been taking my usual post-playoffs break from LeBullshit:

First up – Tim Donaghy and game fixing. Ah, the Donaghy scandal(s). When Donoughy got busted, it demonstrated as a matter of fact that all-powerful NBA refs are capable of massive sleazebaggery. It was pretty shocking, but the scandal was successfully contained by the NBA and we were led to believe that the whole fiasco extended to a crazy rogue ref and affected a couple of inconsequential games.

Then Donaghy pulled a full-on Jose Canseco and the issue was no longer containable. According to Donaghy, an inner-circle of sycophantic refs working in cahoots with league goons created an atmosphere in which star players were not called for technical fouls (LeBitching at refs without punishment, LeBron’s famous LeElbows, etc.) and that bogus calls/no-calls (“the travel” anyone?) were made to force TV-friendly matchups, game sevens, and to prop up popular stars in the league. Think about the Celtics/Cavs series – how many games did LeBron play like absolute trash (see previous posts), and still wind up taking 20 free throws, keeping the Cavs in the game and therefore in the series? The answer is…surprise…almost every game in the series.

Donaghy and Mike Brown cheating and stuff

[Way too easy. See the internet for *tons* of hilarious captions.]

Predicatably, ESPNBAvid $tern stonewalled (and still stonewalls) on this issue. This is how I see it – nine times out of ten, this pleading the fifth bullshit is basically an admission of guilt. Any reasonable person can see that this crap is happening on a regular basis or, at the very least, that the existence of game fixing is very likely and warrants serious investigation. Jeff van Gundy, Phil Jackson, and a slew of other coaches and players are on record agreeing with Donaghy’s accusations.

On to a tengentially related ref story – the NBA announced that it will begin fining floppers next season. At first, I thought this would be a good thing, because it would stop LeBron from doing things like pretending he was poked in the eye when he wasn’t and putting flagrant fouls on opposing players. I was totally psyched about it. Then I thought about it for about ten seconds and realized that the league will never do anything to fuck LeBron over. So, sadly, I concluded that the new rules will actually make opposing players more afraid of taking charges from LeBron, which is basically the only thing a defender can do to stop LeBron, since if you actually try to block his shots or steal the ball you are automatically called for a foul. Plus, LeBron clearly doesn’t give a crap about fines since he is, uh, kind of rich. Very, very depressing development. Ugh.

Next up – NYC. See the LeBron/Statue of Liberty picture. The whole LeBron to NY story has gone from conjecture to pretty much a foregone conclusion and I love it. Poor, poor Clevelanders. Trade him now and get some value.

Finally, on to the US All-Nike Olympic team. Yeah – so the Coach K’s US Olympic team is made up of all Nike-sponsored players except for Dwight Howard (Adidas). That’s just fantastic. Looks like Gilbert was on to something when he said that it appeared the roster was set before tryouts. Apparently unconcerned about keeping up appearances, Nike promptly announced a documentary series about the team’s road back to the Olympics to air on ESPN.

For you conspiracy buffs out there, I’ll leave you with Nike’s official team photo. Notice that Dwight Howard is covering up the Nike swoosh on his shorts. Most importantly, notice that a freakishly enormous rat has been dressed in human clothing and posed in a sitting position, blocking Dwight Howard’s Adidas shoes. Hmmm…

USA All-Nike Team

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LeBron’s single MVP vote…

12 May

I think I just found out where that one MVP vote came from…

I LOVE LEBRON JAMES

Okay, it was me.

Really? More of this underrated shit? These dudes have some nerve. First of all, even if LeBron were to average 37 points a game in this series, he would still be overrated. Why is this? Because he is so highly rated by the sportswriting world that he couldn’t possibly be underrated or even properly rated. Unless he pulls a 50- point triple- double masterpiece every game, he can never live up to his hype. Therefore, he is overrated. Period. Now, consider the garbage games LeBron has been producing as of late, and this argument dissolves into complete nonsense.

This guy peddles the tired “no supporting cast” crap we’ve all heard a thousand times, which holds no water as far as I’m concerned. If LeBron truly is the MVP, then all his team would need to do is get him open looks for him to rain down jumpers. They are doing just that. In fact, the Celtics are giving away open jumpers to the Princess of Ohio. LeBron’s is flat-out missing them, hence the stats. Can you imagine what would happen if a team gave almost any other top 10 player so many open looks? They’d slaughter some jerks. This no supporting cast argument is just plain silly at worst, some kind of chicken and egg thing at best. Z is definitely a top center, slow goofball that he is. Ben Wallace, despite the fact that he is the only player in the league that can regularly chuck up airballs from 2 feet, is still a top defensive player. And then there are the many solid role players on the Cavs. Joe Smith and Delonte West – see last game.

I’d like to think that this guy doesn’t really believe LeBron is underrated and that he was just looking for an attention-getting headline. That’s the impression the article left me with, despite all the LeBron praise contained within. He makes a few good points. However, you can’t type this:

When James was going 2-for-18 in Game 1 or 6-of-24 in Game 2, there were questions about how so prodigious a talent could shoot so badly. But another perspective could have been, Why doesn’t it happen more often?

…and still believe that LeBron is somehow underrated. Two consecutive playoff disasters in a row? That’s unforgivable. He’s stretching with “But…why doesnt’ it happen more often” and he has to know it.

One good thing about this article – some really insightful Knicks gossip:

One of many reasons why the Knicks hired coach Mike D’Antoni was to pursue James in 2010, when he can opt out (along with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh) at the same time New York may have the room to offer him a max contract. Provided they can clear enough cap space, D’Antoni’s new Knicks would offer James the ultimate stage in New York as well as an up-tempo, open-court style featuring all of his skills. Before Game 3, James referred to D’Antoni as “an offensive mastermind,” a compliment that must send chills up the spine of Cleveland’s management.

Good stuff. Oh man – I can’t wait. When LeBron goes to the Knicks, I can change the web page colors! And Cavs fans will stop sending me hate mail! And, like most people, I hate the Knicks anyway, so it will be an easy transition.

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LeBron Leave-o-Meter

9 May

Check out the LeBron Leave-o-Meter/LeGone James Day countdown

This is a useful tool for Cavs fans. This is a much more useful tool for Knicks fans, Nets fan, and Jay Z.

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