Let’s get something clear – LeBron James is a straight-up cocksucker. Deadspin declares it so more eloquently than I ever could, fulfilling a Nostradamus-like prediction I made long ago that the rest of the internet would eventually become indistinguishable from ihatelebronjames.com. That might be why I’ve been so shitty about updating this site – there wasn’t much of a need, was there? Plus, being right about everything all the time has kept me pretty busy.
But here I am, back in the game. Let’s recap all of the LeBron James-related shit that’s gone down since I’ve been absent.
LeBron wasted no time playing games when it came to his Nike contract, unceremoniously signing a contract extension way back in May. Strange, considering NBA free agency was months away at the time and one would think that LeBron’s value to Nike depends mightily on the size of the market of LeBron’s next team. Did LeBron give Nike the inside scoop on his NBA free agency decision? Did Nike give LeBron orders to move to a major market? Or did Nike and LeBron (correctly) conclude that jackoff fair weather fans will buy LeBron jerseys no matter where he lands?
Well…this kid won’t buy a LeBron jersey any time soon. But most other kids (who have not been directly and personally insulted by LeBron) will continue to think that LeBron is totally awesome and shell out big bucks for his shoes and shit. So as long as the fair-weather fanbase stays intact, It doesn’t even matter if LeBron stays in Cleveland or leaves for LA. Hell, Nike probably just assumes that since LeBron is a just a humble kid from Akron, loyal to his community above all else, he would never bail on the state of Ohio. He even has a loyalty tattoo on his rib cage, for fuck’s sake. People really want to believe that LeBron is staying in Cleveland:
James, who wasn’t wooed and recruited by colleges because everyone knew he was NBA-bound, probably will visit several teams come July. Big on drama, he might let the suspense build to a crescendo. But in the end, Cavs fans should let these words from James comfort them.
“The city of Akron means so much to me,” he said. “Akron, Ohio, is my life. I love this city.”
Cavs owner Dan Gilbert, who sat on stage with James, is convinced, or at the very least, feigning conviction, saying, “I’m sure we’ll be here next year with MV3.”
With Nike stuff out of the way, let’s move on to the playoffs…
At the first sign of trouble, LeBron preemptively prepared a nice little excuse for losing, Pete Sampras-style (as if most of you fuckers even know who that is). Then things get worse. Turns out, LeBron has been spoiling his teammates with his exemplary play for years. They never really learned how to play basketball! Fuuuuck! That’s the kind of shit that playoff competition exposes. Fortunately, LeBron was clever enough to abandon the flawed “give the man a fish” philosophy and adopt the obviously superior “teach a man to fish” approach. Unfortunately, however, LeBron’s teaching method involved forcing his team sit around and watch him clang every basketball in sight off the iron and into the stands. Whoops! Not a good example to set for your impressionable students.
In the end, the Cavs continued their predictable regression with LeBron and Mr. Potatohead at the helm and were again dumped from the playoffs (well, I predicted it, anyway). LeBron’s 2010 playoffs in pictograph form, for fans of the old site:
All was not lost for the Chosen One, however. Finally liberated from the annoying basketball-playing part of basketball, LeBron was able to concentrate on what really matters – free agency. King James wasted no time assembling his all-star team of advisors. Of course, Mark Cuban jumped the gun and got fined 100K right out of the gate with some vague comment about a sign-and-trade. Sorry, Mr. Cuban – you can’t have the Chicago Cubs and you can’t even talk about having LeBron James. Then Steve Kerr got fined. It wasn’t long before Jay-Z got himself in the mix. Then all hell broke loose. LeBron and friends had a free agency super summit. Sportscenter jizzed its pants. Repeatedly. The already out-of-control hype reached an unprecedented level of mega-annoying. Then LeBron kicked it up a few more notches when he decided to literally hold court. It was decreed that if any of the King’s subjects sought an audience with their ruler, they had to grovel at King James’ feet as guests of the royal court. The Nets are set to be first up. The city of New York threw a party in the King’s honor. Not sure what happened with the Mavs or LA. I think the Bulls were up last. It’s a mad house all around.
LeBron interviewed his suitors in one frantic week. The Knicks prepared a ridiculous powerpoint presentation (of course it was leaked) that basically amounted to a list of the various reasons why LeBron should not go to other teams. And why coming to New York would not necessarily get him a title, but would surely land him the billionaire status he covets. In Miami, greasy-ass Pat Riley showed off his rings. The Bulls probably tried to talk up the franchise’s winning ways and major market earning potential (without using the words “Michael Jordan,” “legacy,” “high expectations,” or “asshole Chicago fans will turn on you like a rabid badger the second you fuck up and we all know you will because that’s all you’ve ever done and remember that one time Jordan took Craig Ehlo’s face off and fucked Cleveland off the map for a decade we fucking hate Cleveland you dick”).
Now Bosh and Wade have committed to Miami. Stoudemire has signed on with Knicks. And who gives a fuck about Joe Johnson? All will be revealed tonight during a ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME PRIME TIME TV EVENT!!! Only then will I know if I have to change my website’s colors. With any luck, some asshole will leak the decision and totally ruin the special.
While you’re waiting, entertain yourself with this little sideshow – a few months back, LeBron continued his annual tradition of losing at basketball to some random dude off the street (this time to a busboy on national television). Enjoy.