I Hate LeBron James.com

Deadspin’s Anonymous PR guy had a few things to say about LeBron in a recent Q&A session:

So LeBron was already a full-fledged asshole at age 19. Not a shocking revelation, but mildly surprising considering it involves a fucking wheelchair kid.  I don’t like how the PR guy totally glosses over the whole Playboy Mansion thing, but I guess he has to hold back a few juicy tidbits for future posts.

Then it gets much, much better:

Wow. For those of you who have no idea what snowballing is – look it up, that is what the internet is for. Do a quick search and come back…

You back?  Good.  Pretty nasty, huh? The psychoanalysis on this doesn’t require an advanced degree  - LeBron is such a raging narcissist that he literally wants to blow himself. Obviously, this is impossible given that LeBron is not a contortionist (flopping aside) and I seriously doubt LeBron has a 28 inch wang (or he would have told us about it).  So he has to settle for snowballing.

Ga-ross.

Introducing the most comically overpriced signature shoe of all time – the Nike LEBRON X!  This tacky eyesore will set you back $315.  That’s more than a minimum wage worker makes in an entire week – and that’s before payroll taxes are deducted. The cost of Chinese child abuse/labor must be on the rise! Luckily, if you’re a total loser asshole willing to settle for second-best and miss the entire goddamned point of this thing, you can buy the poor person version of LeBron’s shoe for $180.

According to Nike, the shoe “is inspired, both aesthetically and metaphorically, by the diamond, a precious and nearly indestructible gemstone.”  I guess the shoe is metaphorically similar to a diamond in that that it is insanely overpriced in an artificial market and its procurement requires the injury and/or death of innocent children in the third world…cause I’m pretty sure this sweatshop piece of shit isn’t indestructible.

A pair of space-age Nike Air Flash Gordons

There is no doubt – LeBron is a world-class douchebag and he hates poor people.  Not that we needed any more proof.  Remember this?:

“At the end of the day, all of the people that were rooting for me to fail, tomorrow they’ll have to wake up and have the same life that [they had] before they woke up today. They got the same personal problems they had today and I’m going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things I want to do.”

LeBron James’ insane clown posse, the physical manifestation of King James’ arrogance and sense of entitlement, has hit a new low, rejecting a fancy birthday cake and leaving the baker to foot the $3,000 bill. This poor lady made the mistake of accepting an offer to provide a free cake in exchange for publicity at LeBron’s 27th birthday douchefest. Cause, you know, LeBron doesn’t have $3K on hand, and needs to bargain hunt. Unfortunately for the baker lady, LeBron’s posse rejected the cake the day of the party (breaking their end of the bargain) and refused to pay up.

Let’s crunch the numbers on this. LeBron made $48,000,000 last year. $3,000 is a measly .00625% of that. The normal person equivalent of this bullshit would be some guy making $50,000 a year refusing to pay for a $3.00 cake.

When it comes to class, LeBron really takes the cake [snickering].

WORD IS BOND, YO. Well, this is LeBron “I ain’t goin’ nowhere” James we’re talking about. Could you say that the baker got “Clevelanded?”  I think you could.

LeBron’s egomania continues to grow despite his bumbling of “the decision” and yet another failed playoff run. The latest narcissistic delusion of King James I is truly astonishing – normal humans, no longer worthy of His acknowledgement, may not speak to Him directly. This rule extends to all non-deities, including legendary sports photographers:

This is how crazy it was: I wasn’t even allowed to talk directly to LeBron. There was a liaison, someone from Amar’e Stoudemire’s family. I would say to him, “O.K., have LeBron drive right,” and then he’d turn to LeBron and say, “LeBron, go right.”

Comical shit of this variety has led Bleacher Report to bestow upon LeBron the glorious title of Biggest Egomaniac in the History of Sports. Yes, bigger than Michael Jordan. Bigger than Jerry Jones. Bigger than A-Rod. Bigger than Muhammad Ali.  Bigger than every asshole to play or coach sports since the dawn of fucking time. “His Airness” Michael Jordan, he of 15 seasons and 6 titles (and 6 finals MVPs), could only muster a pathetic #48 ranking on the list. Fuck you and your entourage, Jordan! LeBron skyrocketed straight to #1 with zero championships and in half the time!  Ha!

LeBron, take note: this is the one time you will be ranked ahead of Jordan in anything. Everything else, you lose – scoring titles, championships, MVPs, Finals MVPs, number of Hitler mustaches sported on television…you name it. Savor this moment.

(courtesy Merriam Webster)

LeBron blew it.  Hilariously.  What else is there to say?  Well…maybe this:

Thanks, DeShawn, you are a legendary LeBron hater.

As usual, there’s more. Did LeBron quietly slink away after losing big like a proper loser that just lost something? *OR* did he run his arrogant mouth and say something idiotic? Predictably, the latter. This time, he decided to take a parting shot at his critics by directly insulting every NBA fan not lucky enough to enjoy a millionaire’s life of luxury:

“All the people that were rooting for me to fail… at the end of the day, tomorrow they have to wake up and have the same life that (they had) before they woke up today,” James said. “They got the same personal problems they had today. And I’m going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things I want to do.”

And so LeBron’s pattern of screwing up and then committing a massive PR gaffe immediately afterward continues…

…sort of.

“The way it panned out with all the friends and family and the fans back home, I apologize for the way it happened,” he said.

Well…better than nothing.  I guess.  Note  that LeBron found the courage to issue this “apology” only after his move was validated (for lack of a better word) with a series win over the Celtics.  Big man.

Unfortunately for LeBron and friends, this:

Dearest Cleveland,

You should have listened to me.  As I predicted all along, LeBron James has abandoned you.  You can now see LeBron’s despicable douchebaggery for the despicable douchebaggery that it is.  Actually – it’s less “can now see” and more “you have absolutely no choice but to be forced to watch.”  He took your money, snagged a few MVP trophies, quit on the team, and then hopped on the first (well, second) bus out of town.

I must applaud Dan Gilbert for dropping the truth on that spoiled crybaby in public.  I have never seen such a thing in my entire life.  And I’m so old that I actually smoke a pipe, so that’s saying something.  It’s one thing when the Bernard Watkinses of the world rant on jerks, but it’s another thing entirely when the owner of a sports team goes off on somebody on the record.  In an open letter.  Posted to the team’s official website.  Not surprisingly, EPNBAvid $tern has already mobilized his crack squad of goon journalists to shit all over Mr Gilbert and his message.  But whatever, Dan Gilbert is no Al Davis.  And he speaks the truth.

Unfortunately, it’s not all Kumbayah, assholes.  Frankly, the pain you feel right now is your penance for forcing the rest of the NBA to watch you stroke your rock-hard LeBoner in public for the better part of a decade.  And you deserve it.  Accept your punishment and let the painful truth wash over you.  Embrace it.  Because when the pain subsides, you will be left with only hate.  Let the words of Dan Gilbert inspire you in 20-point comic book font:

You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal…

“I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE”

You can take it to the bank.

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our “motivation” to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.

I would like to formally welcome you to ihatelebronjames.com, Clevelanders.

Thank you.

Bernard G. Watkins

PS:  Rest assured, I am working very hard to switch the site over to Miami Heat’s ugly-ass black, red, and orange color scheme.

As one of my loyal readers noted, LeBron has been fully outed this summer. Since there aren’t many people rushing to defend LeBron’s poor sportsmanship these days, he’s having to strike out on his own.  His latest gem from some interview with a blogger:

Though a handshake is typically seen as a measure of good sportsmanship, James clearly has a different view. Still, when James was reminded that, in fact, players do actually shake hands at the end of a playoff series, James responded by saying, “No you don’t. No you don’t.”

Errm…okay.  Guess my eyes were playing tricks on me the dozens of times I’ve seen a playoff series end with handshakes.  Maybe TNT manipulated the on-screen images in real-time, as they did with LeBron’s crab dribble.  Read about it here.

Check out LeBron’s custom t-shirts! Arrogant. Narcissistic. Insecure. Pathetic.

He sure put those pretenders to the throne in their place.  Who needs rings WHEN YOU GOT STATS!?

I can’t think of many people, even many professional athletes, that are this purely egotistical. LeBro is an exceptional specimen.

Shocker.  ESPNBAvid $tern goes soft on LeBron.  Despite the fact that LeBron rudely skipped the post-game press conference, the league waived the mandatory fine.

LeBron James is David Stern’s spoiled little brat…or business partner…or both.  Mike Lupica from the New York Daily News nails it:

First the league said it wasn’t going to fine him, because this was a first offense, as if that’s supposed to come into play. Stern wouldn’t come out Tuesday and say exactly what he wanted to do, almost asking not to be pressed on the matter. Not sounding as much like the NBA commissioner on this one as one of James’ teammates, the ones who did have to stick around and talk about losing to the Magic. Or, and more likely, one of LeBron James’ business partners.

In the painful irony department, LeBron appeared in an NBA Cares commercial that aired during game 6.  His speaking line?  “Sportsmanship.”  Go to 1:14 to skip all the sappy bullshit: