Tag Archives: King James I the Golden Chosen One

LeBron’s Olympic DREAM TEAM

7 Aug

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…HUH…WHUUUH?…oh hey there. Sorry, I was sleeping because TV (the only thing to do anymore) has been ruined by this thing called Olympics. Fortunately, it has not been completed ruined.  Although I was under the impression that this Olympics thing was just a bunch of grown men engaging in competitive water-splashing, I recently learned that a few actual ballgames are included. And wouldn’t you know it, McDonald’s All-American LeBron James made the USA men’s team for basketball! So far, LeBron James and Team USA have conquered all foreign enemies (which is totally good for American democracy *AND* democracy all around the world).

It hasn’t been perfectly smooth sailing – Team USA (or more accurately, the “Dream Team”) almost lost this one time, but not quite. Phew. Good thing LeBron is awesome at Olympics. Not as awesome as the international basketball superstar known as “L. Kleiza,” who scored 5 more points than LeBron, but awesome enough. Granted, L. Kleiza had the advantage of going up against the Dream Team’s sub-par defense and LeBron had to go up against Lithuania’s famous “Iron Curtain” defense. That’s probably why LeBron had zero assists.

I fully expect the Miami Heat to make a serious push for L. Kleiza this off-season…

Better than LeBron



Nike’s overly-defensive “Earned Not Given” shirt

26 Jun

nike earned not given shirt worn by LeBron James







Nike just wants to make it clear that the most coddled athlete in recent memory, one that refers to himself as “King James” and was anointed “The Chosen One” before graduating high school, has legitimately earned his ring. And it like totally TOTALLY wasn’t given to him. No way. In case somebody thinks that it was. But why would they? That’s CRAZY. So yeah, just in case – this shirt.

Have you ever seen a more defensive victory shirt in your life? Did Tom Brady and Bill Belichick wear a “We could have won without videotaping. Honestly, we could have.” shirt after winning a Superbowl?

You know what?  I kind of like this preemptive approach.  I’m going to walk into work tomorrow and declare at the staff meeting that I did NOT steal three cases of printer toner and sell them in the OfficeMax parking lot.  Just so everybody knows.


LeBron Rules

30 Jan

As evidenced by last night’s Bulls/Heat game, it is still illegal to block LeBron James’ bumbling shots in the paint.  Especially near the end of a game.  Super-especially if the game is close.

That is all.


LeBron Opens Up in his Most Revealing Interview Yet

11 Jan

In the aftermath of the unmitigated disaster that was “The Decision,” it was clear that LeBron’s public relations team had to completely re-think their strategy. Initially, they formulated a plan to duct tape LeBron’s mouth shut whenever he wasn’t playing basketball. However, they failed to account for the fact that LeBron weighs 250 pounds and is incredibly strong. That plan did not succeed.

Next, Nike stopped messing around and brought out the big guns, created a confusing hour-long commercial that attempted to put the public in the millionaire crybaby’s shoes. In doing so, they hoped that LeBron’s misguided but loyal fans would sympathize with his plight to screw them over in order to do whatever the fuck he wants to do. You know – heavy is the head that wears the crown and all that. This plan failed as well. In fact, it made things quite a bit worse, especially for Clevelanders. This outcome wasn’t too hard to predict, considering the commercial was totally retarded and condescending.  It even included a Don Johnson cameo.

Left with few other options, LeBron’s downtrodden handlers decided to return to the PR guy’s best friend – the softball interview. But wait…wasn’t “The Decision” itself a softball interview?  Hell, they actually paid that guy to lob softballs. And LeBron *still* screwed it up. “Fuuuuck us,” the poor PR team exclaimed as they cried into their Michelob Ultras.

Then something magical happened. Just  just as Nike was about to send a hit squad to take out the miserable PR idiots, one of them had a Don Draper moment:

“Hey fellow PR goons!  I’ve got it!”

[suspenseful pause]

“Check this – we can have little British kids ask The King questions, screen them very carefully, and then have him answer them on tape so we can delete the most retarded responses!  And here’s the best part – since these factory town kids probably have mercury poisoning, most people won’t even be able to understand the crap coming out of their mush-mouths!”

And lo and behold – it worked!  See!:

Q: Are you taller than a giraffe?

LJ: I am tall, but I am not taller than a giraffe.


Well…maybe not a complete success.  Not sure how this one got through the filter:

Q: What’s your proudest moment?

 LJ: I’d have to say my proudest moment would be winning a national championship in high school.

I guess if you haven’t won an NBA championship, your next proudest moment would have to be the championship you did win.  The coveted high school championship.

Wait a second…doesn’t LeBron have two sons?  Ouch.

Enjoy the whole ridiculous thing:



Thou shalt not directly address LeBron James, Chosen One…

13 Dec

LeBron’s egomania continues to grow despite his bumbling of “the decision” and yet another failed playoff run. The latest narcissistic delusion of King James I is truly astonishing – normal humans, no longer worthy of His acknowledgement, may not speak to Him directly. This rule extends to all non-deities, including legendary sports photographers:

This is how crazy it was: I wasn’t even allowed to talk directly to LeBron. There was a liaison, someone from Amar’e Stoudemire’s family. I would say to him, “O.K., have LeBron drive right,” and then he’d turn to LeBron and say, “LeBron, go right.”

Comical shit of this variety has led Bleacher Report to bestow upon LeBron the glorious title of Biggest Egomaniac in the History of Sports. Yes, bigger than Michael Jordan. Bigger than Jerry Jones. Bigger than A-Rod. Bigger than Muhammad Ali.  Bigger than every asshole to play or coach sports since the dawn of fucking time. “His Airness” Michael Jordan, he of 15 seasons and 6 titles (and 6 finals MVPs), could only muster a pathetic #48 ranking on the list. Fuck you and your entourage, Jordan! LeBron skyrocketed straight to #1 with zero championships and in half the time!  Ha!

LeBron, take note: this is the one time you will be ranked ahead of Jordan in anything. Everything else, you lose – scoring titles, championships, MVPs, Finals MVPs, number of Hitler mustaches sported on television…you name it. Savor this moment.

(courtesy Merriam Webster)


LeBron vs. Much Bigger Dudes

13 Oct

LeBron seems to think that he would make an amazing football player. You know, because of high school.

LeBron’s perfect throwing mechanics on display.

“If I wasn’t playing basketball, I believe I could try out for an NFL team and make it as a receiver,” James said. “What I’m doing right now will keep my mind off of playing football, but if something ever turned sour in the NBA, I think I’d take a shot at the NFL.”

Sure.  LeBron got beat to the basket and dunked on by a Chinese kid a few months ago, for fuck’s sake (see previous post for video).

Not a Chinese kid:

Slightly scarier than Dirk Nowitzki…

These quotes were taken from LeBron’s third season in the NBA when there was little to no chance of anything turning sour with the NBA (because of LeBron’s awesomeness, mostly). Now that next season is in serious jeopardy (and LeBron isn’t so awesome), he may have the chance to right the biggest wrong in his life and his ONLY regret:

“The only thing I regret in my life is not playing football my senior year”

How could he pass up such an amazing opportunity?

UPDATE: The lockout is over. LeBron won’t get his chance to play wide receiver in the NFL.  Dang.



19 Aug

As one of my loyal readers noted, LeBron has been fully outed this summer. Since there aren’t many people rushing to defend LeBron’s poor sportsmanship these days, he’s having to strike out on his own.  His latest gem from some interview with a blogger:

Though a handshake is typically seen as a measure of good sportsmanship, James clearly has a different view. Still, when James was reminded that, in fact, players do actually shake hands at the end of a playoff series, James responded by saying, “No you don’t. No you don’t.”

Errm…okay.  Guess my eyes were playing tricks on me the dozens of times I’ve seen a playoff series end with handshakes.  Maybe TNT manipulated the on-screen images in real-time, as they did with LeBron’s crab dribble.  Read about it here.


Princess James, “Sportsmanship”

2 Jun

Shocker.  ESPNBAvid $tern goes soft on LeBron.  Despite the fact that LeBron rudely skipped the post-game press conference, the league waived the mandatory fine.

LeBron James is David Stern’s spoiled little brat…or business partner…or both.  Mike Lupica from the New York Daily News nails it:

First the league said it wasn’t going to fine him, because this was a first offense, as if that’s supposed to come into play. Stern wouldn’t come out Tuesday and say exactly what he wanted to do, almost asking not to be pressed on the matter. Not sounding as much like the NBA commissioner on this one as one of James’ teammates, the ones who did have to stick around and talk about losing to the Magic. Or, and more likely, one of LeBron James’ business partners.

In the painful irony department, LeBron appeared in an NBA Cares commercial that aired during game 6.  His speaking line?  “Sportsmanship.”  Go to 1:14 to skip all the sappy bullshit:


Stan Van Gundy on fouls and fines/Bill Simmons gets it without getting it

27 May

Stan Van Gundy’s game 3 post-game press conference was priceless.  Watch it here.

Reporter: Stan, the foul that Dwight fouled out on and a couple other call on LeBron…they don’t even look like fouls sometimes.  Can you comment on that?

Stan: Nope. But you can.  You write a column.  And see, the league won’t fine you $25,000 or whatever.  So…so you write it.  That’s what I love – you guys see it, but you don’t want to write it.  But you want me to comment on it so now I’m a whiner and I get fined.  You saw it, write what you saw.

[gasp] How *dare* you!  This is *my* ball.  I AM KING JAMES!!!

How *dare* you! This is *my* ball. I AM KING JAMES!!!

In the NBA, you can be fined for complaining about a call if you are a coach, even when you are unquestionably right.  The press can write whatever they want, but they rarely write stories critical of LeBullshit.  Consequentially, LeBron James has become a monster and the last two minutes of every close playoff game (arguably the only part of a basketball game worth watching) are a usually a joke.  Thanks, ESPNbavid $tern.  Even the defensive player of the year (carrying 5 fouls in a pivotal playoff game) doesn’t get the benefit of the doubt on a decisive defensive play when he goes up against LeBron.  When you guard LeBron, you are simply “the guy who is about to foul LeBron.”

You know the situation has gotten completely out of control when Bill Simmons, one of the most eager and enthusiastic of all LeBron fellaters, capable of writing super-romanticized bullshit like this:

In Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals, with one second to play and his Cavaliers trailing by two, a 6-foot-9, 275-pound local kid from Akron bullied toward the basket like a tight end. His goal was to jump as high as he could, extend his hands 2 feet over the 10-foot rim, then catch a lob from 50 feet away that had to be perfectly thrown. When his path was cut off, he recalibrated his mission almost as a navigation system reroutes a car, darted away from the basket toward the top of the key, caught a pass coming from his left, turned toward the rim, took a split second to center his body, bounced off the balls of his feet, extended in the air, then arched a 24-foot shot over the extended fingers of a 6-foot-10 opponent from Turkey. Even as he released the shot, he was falling backward, so his momentum carried him toward the other basket. Somehow, the shot rattled home. And that’s when LeBron James turned around, sought out his teammates and joyously hopped into their arms.

This was one of the bigger moments in recent NBA history: The time when our latest hope for “The Next Jordan” actually did something MJ would have done. Like so many other die-hards, I spent the next 24 hours rehashing the moment through phone calls and e-mails and texts.

…can force himself to admit this:

[Jordan was the best and worst thing to happen to the NBA because he created] a generation of one-on-one players who careen toward the basket in big moments, create some form of contact and hope officials will bail them out. With four seconds to play in Game 4 and his team trailing by 2, LeBron put his head down, dribbled as fast as he could and prayed Michael Pietrus would either bump him or trip him. If you watch the clip, he’s moving so fast that it would have been humanly impossible for him to make a shot. That wasn’t his goal. He wanted a call. And he got one. Their feet got tangled, LeBron lurched forward, and the refs bailed him out.

Both of these quotes came from the same article.  This is what drives me crazy about Bill Simmons.  He clearly and obviously sees what is happening to the NBA.  His knows the history of the game in a way that very few dorks are capable.  He can even recall a particular foul Bill Laimbeer committed against some guy from the Clippers in the 2nd quarter of a regular season game 20 years ago and what kind of doritos he was eating at the time.   He has correctly identified the problem with the modern game (see above) and even offers a few reasonable solutions to this problem.   But then he turns around and produces piles and piles of his own hero-worship bullshit (with some of the most comically overwrought sportswriting ever), the root cause of the problem he has just identified.  Wow.  Whether he realizes it or not, he is actively contributing to the demise of his beloved NBA, nudging it further and further away from his own ideal vision of the game.  I just don’t get it.

Sports journalists are the only people able to freely criticize the bullshit without getting fined.  They are the only people with an audience large enough and an influence great enough to force some kind of change in the bullshit.  Yet, these very same journalists rely on this hero-worship bullshit to pay their bills, thanks to the atmosphere fostered by Nike and Sportscenter.  Looks like we’re stuck.

So, Stan, this is why jerk reporters won’t write the obvious fucking columns they need to be writing.  And they probably never will.



16 Dec

Just in time for Christmas, LeBron’s charity is releasing its staff and shutting down year-round activities.

I am going to continue to be active in the community, especially with the bikeathon. There are going to be some more things next summer. I don’t think it is going to change it. Basically, it will allow the guys around me to focus.

Focus on what?  LeBron?  So…firing all of the the charitible workers will allow people around LeBron to focus more on Lebron.  Got it.

At least we can all rest assured that the LeBron James King for Kids Bikeathon is still going to happen.  Phew.

Of course, the charity organization will continue to exist as a legal entity for tax write-off purposes.  Ugh.  Unbelievable.  Classy guy, that LeBron James.