Tag Archives: King James of All Media

LeBron Opens Up in his Most Revealing Interview Yet

11 Jan

In the aftermath of the unmitigated disaster that was “The Decision,” it was clear that LeBron’s public relations team had to completely re-think their strategy. Initially, they formulated a plan to duct tape LeBron’s mouth shut whenever he wasn’t playing basketball. However, they failed to account for the fact that LeBron weighs 250 pounds and is incredibly strong. That plan did not succeed.

Next, Nike stopped messing around and brought out the big guns, created a confusing hour-long commercial that attempted to put the public in the millionaire crybaby’s shoes. In doing so, they hoped that LeBron’s misguided but loyal fans would sympathize with his plight to screw them over in order to do whatever the fuck he wants to do. You know – heavy is the head that wears the crown and all that. This plan failed as well. In fact, it made things quite a bit worse, especially for Clevelanders. This outcome wasn’t too hard to predict, considering the commercial was totally retarded and condescending.  It even included a Don Johnson cameo.

Left with few other options, LeBron’s downtrodden handlers decided to return to the PR guy’s best friend – the softball interview. But wait…wasn’t “The Decision” itself a softball interview?  Hell, they actually paid that guy to lob softballs. And LeBron *still* screwed it up. “Fuuuuck us,” the poor PR team exclaimed as they cried into their Michelob Ultras.

Then something magical happened. Just  just as Nike was about to send a hit squad to take out the miserable PR idiots, one of them had a Don Draper moment:

“Hey fellow PR goons!  I’ve got it!”

[suspenseful pause]

“Check this – we can have little British kids ask The King questions, screen them very carefully, and then have him answer them on tape so we can delete the most retarded responses!  And here’s the best part – since these factory town kids probably have mercury poisoning, most people won’t even be able to understand the crap coming out of their mush-mouths!”

And lo and behold – it worked!  See!:

Q: Are you taller than a giraffe?

LJ: I am tall, but I am not taller than a giraffe.

Success!

Well…maybe not a complete success.  Not sure how this one got through the filter:

Q: What’s your proudest moment?

 LJ: I’d have to say my proudest moment would be winning a national championship in high school.

I guess if you haven’t won an NBA championship, your next proudest moment would have to be the championship you did win.  The coveted high school championship.

Wait a second…doesn’t LeBron have two sons?  Ouch.

Enjoy the whole ridiculous thing:

 

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LeBron Delivers the Most Amazing Pep Talk in History

8 Jun

This, my friends, is the stuff legends are made of. Thirty years from now, this will be referred to as “*The* Pep Talk.”  LBJ is this generation’s JFK and MLK rolled into one. He is truly a Renaissance man.

What more can LeBron do to prop up his loser team? First the man delivers this truly inspiring speech, then he scores almost TEN points. For fuck’s sake, people!

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Quotes are back!

14 May

Due to popular demand, I’ve put the quotes page back up.  Check it out and add some new quotes.

Listen to the words that are coming out of my mouth...

Listen to the words that are coming out of my mouth...

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LeBron is pitching his own TV show!

27 Dec

LeBron is pitching a badass TV show about himself, aiming for an air date of next fall.  I am com-plete-ly **PSYCHED** about this!  Holy fucking YES.  I can not wait that long. I CAN NOT WAIT.  Oh my gawd I am totally ALREADY SICK OF WAITING.  And you know what else?  Ice Cube will be the executive producer.  Yeah.  For real.  LeBron will also be a producer (in order to make sure the show is TRULY awesome).  King James of all Media, muthafuckaaaaz.  Anyway, I’m totally sure the show will be totally, totally sweet. And awesome.  Possibly to the MAX.  It will follow LeBron from his early days as a young basketball player on through to his days as a slightly older basketball player, right up to his days as an even bigger and older basketball player playing basketball.  It will have everything awesome like playing basketball with other dudes on a basketball team, getting tricked-out H2s from shady boosters, crazy mom stuff (parent’s just don’t understand), basketball dunking, being awesome at some other stuff like rooting for the Yank-deez, and some other gritty real-life stuff like having badass cars and mansions.  But mostly the most crazy sweet basketball dribbling and shooting.  Also, passing.  Perhaps even zany hijinks with LeBron’s fun-luvin’, big-tippin’ entourage!

Looks like this show is going to be a winner!…or the biggest steaming pile of boring bullshit every captured on videotape.  One of those two.

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