Tag Archives: EPSNBAvid $tern

LeBron James Flop Video

22 May

Remember when the coach of the Pacers called out LeBron and the Heat as the worst floppers in the league?  And how, despite the fact that this shit is nearly universally acknowledged to be stone-cold fact, that same coach was fined by the ridiculous David Stern for telling the truth?

Well…not that we need any more evidence, but some dude has posted a youtube tribute of LeBron’s most egregious and embarrassing flops and set that shit to music.  Chris Bosh even makes a guest appearance.  Thanks to Jordan Crawford (Wizards?) for the heads-up.  Enjoy:

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Does this stat line look familiar?

25 May

Shoots 11-26, but gets 13 free throws.  5 turnovers.  There’s a flagrant foul call in there.  LeBron wins a close game in OT. How can anybody out there not be completely sick of this shit?

Humility. Decorum. Dignity. Class. These are words that will never be used to describe LeBron...

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The Greatest Moment in the History of the Universe Approaches…

8 Jul

Let’s get something clear – LeBron James is a straight-up cocksucker. Deadspin declares it so more eloquently than I ever could, fulfilling a Nostradamus-like prediction I made long ago that the rest of the internet would eventually become indistinguishable from ihatelebronjames.com.  That might be why I’ve been so shitty about updating this site – there wasn’t much of a need, was there?  Plus, being right about everything all the time has kept me pretty busy.

But here I am, back in the game.  Let’s recap all of the LeBron James-related shit that’s gone down since I’ve been absent.

LeBron wasted no time playing games when it came to his Nike contract, unceremoniously signing a contract extension way back in May.  Strange, considering NBA free agency was months away at the time and one would think that LeBron’s value to Nike depends mightily on the size of the market of LeBron’s next team.  Did LeBron give Nike the inside scoop on his NBA free agency decision?  Did Nike give LeBron orders to move to a major market?  Or did Nike and LeBron (correctly) conclude that jackoff fair weather fans will buy LeBron jerseys no matter where he lands?

Well…this kid won’t buy a LeBron jersey any time soon.  But most other kids (who have not been directly and personally insulted by LeBron) will continue to think that LeBron is totally awesome and shell out big bucks for his shoes and shit.  So as long as the fair-weather fanbase stays intact, It doesn’t even matter if LeBron stays in Cleveland or leaves for LA.  Hell, Nike probably just assumes that since LeBron is a just a humble kid from Akron, loyal to his community above all else, he would never bail on the state of Ohio.  He even has a loyalty tattoo on his rib cage, for fuck’s sake.  People really want to believe that LeBron is staying in Cleveland:

James, who wasn’t wooed and recruited by colleges because everyone knew he was NBA-bound, probably will visit several teams come July. Big on drama, he might let the suspense build to a crescendo. But in the end, Cavs fans should let these words from James comfort them.

“The city of Akron means so much to me,” he said. “Akron, Ohio, is my life. I love this city.”

Cavs owner Dan Gilbert, who sat on stage with James, is convinced, or at the very least, feigning conviction, saying, “I’m sure we’ll be here next year with MV3.”

With Nike stuff out of the way, let’s move on to the playoffs…

At the first sign of trouble, LeBron preemptively prepared a nice little excuse for losing, Pete Sampras-style (as if most of you fuckers even know who that is).  Then things get worse.  Turns out, LeBron has been spoiling his teammates with his exemplary play for years.  They never really learned how to play basketball!  Fuuuuck!  That’s the kind of shit that playoff competition exposes.  Fortunately, LeBron was clever enough to abandon the flawed “give the man a fish” philosophy and adopt the obviously superior “teach a man to fish” approach.  Unfortunately, however, LeBron’s teaching method involved forcing his team sit around and watch him clang every basketball in sight off the iron and into the stands.  Whoops!  Not a good example to set for your impressionable students.

In the end, the Cavs continued their predictable regression with LeBron and Mr. Potatohead at the helm and were again dumped from the playoffs (well, I predicted it, anyway).  LeBron’s 2010 playoffs in pictograph form, for fans of the old site:

lebron-lays-another-egg

All was not lost for the Chosen One, however.  Finally liberated from the annoying basketball-playing part of basketball, LeBron was able to concentrate on what really matters – free agency.  King James wasted no time assembling his all-star team of advisors.  Of course, Mark Cuban jumped the gun and got fined 100K right out of the gate with some vague comment about a sign-and-trade.  Sorry, Mr. Cuban – you can’t have the Chicago Cubs and you can’t even talk about having LeBron James.   Then Steve Kerr got fined.  It wasn’t long before Jay-Z got himself in the mix.  Then all hell broke loose.  LeBron and friends had a free agency super summit.  Sportscenter jizzed its pants.  Repeatedly.  The already out-of-control hype reached an unprecedented level of mega-annoying.  Then LeBron kicked it up a few more notches when he decided to literally hold court.  It was decreed that if any of the King’s subjects sought an audience with their ruler, they had to grovel at King James’ feet as guests of the royal court.  The Nets are set to be first up.  The city of New York threw a party in the King’s honor.  Not sure what happened with the Mavs or LA.  I think the Bulls were up last.  It’s a mad house all around.

LeBron interviewed his suitors in one frantic week.  The Knicks prepared a ridiculous powerpoint presentation (of course it was leaked) that basically amounted to a list of the various reasons why LeBron should not go to other teams.  And why coming to New York would not necessarily get him a title, but would surely land him the billionaire status he covets.  In Miami, greasy-ass Pat Riley showed off his rings.  The Bulls probably tried to talk up the franchise’s winning ways and major market earning potential (without using the words “Michael Jordan,” “legacy,” “high expectations,” or “asshole Chicago fans will turn on you like a rabid badger the second you fuck up and we all know you will because that’s all you’ve ever done and remember that one time Jordan took Craig Ehlo’s face off and fucked Cleveland off the map for a decade we fucking hate Cleveland you dick”).

Now Bosh and Wade have committed to Miami.  Stoudemire has signed on with Knicks.  And who gives a fuck about Joe Johnson?  All will be revealed tonight during a ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME PRIME TIME TV EVENT!!!  Only then will I know if I have to change my website’s colors.  With any luck, some asshole will leak the decision and totally ruin the special.

While you’re waiting, entertain yourself with this little sideshow – a few months back, LeBron continued his annual tradition of losing at basketball to some random dude off the street (this time to a busboy on national television).  Enjoy.

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Princess James, “Sportsmanship”

2 Jun

Shocker.  ESPNBAvid $tern goes soft on LeBron.  Despite the fact that LeBron rudely skipped the post-game press conference, the league waived the mandatory fine.

LeBron James is David Stern’s spoiled little brat…or business partner…or both.  Mike Lupica from the New York Daily News nails it:

First the league said it wasn’t going to fine him, because this was a first offense, as if that’s supposed to come into play. Stern wouldn’t come out Tuesday and say exactly what he wanted to do, almost asking not to be pressed on the matter. Not sounding as much like the NBA commissioner on this one as one of James’ teammates, the ones who did have to stick around and talk about losing to the Magic. Or, and more likely, one of LeBron James’ business partners.

In the painful irony department, LeBron appeared in an NBA Cares commercial that aired during game 6.  His speaking line?  “Sportsmanship.”  Go to 1:14 to skip all the sappy bullshit:

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Stan Van Gundy on fouls and fines/Bill Simmons gets it without getting it

27 May

Stan Van Gundy’s game 3 post-game press conference was priceless.  Watch it here.

Reporter: Stan, the foul that Dwight fouled out on and a couple other call on LeBron…they don’t even look like fouls sometimes.  Can you comment on that?

Stan: Nope. But you can.  You write a column.  And see, the league won’t fine you $25,000 or whatever.  So…so you write it.  That’s what I love – you guys see it, but you don’t want to write it.  But you want me to comment on it so now I’m a whiner and I get fined.  You saw it, write what you saw.

[gasp] How *dare* you!  This is *my* ball.  I AM KING JAMES!!!

How *dare* you! This is *my* ball. I AM KING JAMES!!!

In the NBA, you can be fined for complaining about a call if you are a coach, even when you are unquestionably right.  The press can write whatever they want, but they rarely write stories critical of LeBullshit.  Consequentially, LeBron James has become a monster and the last two minutes of every close playoff game (arguably the only part of a basketball game worth watching) are a usually a joke.  Thanks, ESPNbavid $tern.  Even the defensive player of the year (carrying 5 fouls in a pivotal playoff game) doesn’t get the benefit of the doubt on a decisive defensive play when he goes up against LeBron.  When you guard LeBron, you are simply “the guy who is about to foul LeBron.”

You know the situation has gotten completely out of control when Bill Simmons, one of the most eager and enthusiastic of all LeBron fellaters, capable of writing super-romanticized bullshit like this:

In Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals, with one second to play and his Cavaliers trailing by two, a 6-foot-9, 275-pound local kid from Akron bullied toward the basket like a tight end. His goal was to jump as high as he could, extend his hands 2 feet over the 10-foot rim, then catch a lob from 50 feet away that had to be perfectly thrown. When his path was cut off, he recalibrated his mission almost as a navigation system reroutes a car, darted away from the basket toward the top of the key, caught a pass coming from his left, turned toward the rim, took a split second to center his body, bounced off the balls of his feet, extended in the air, then arched a 24-foot shot over the extended fingers of a 6-foot-10 opponent from Turkey. Even as he released the shot, he was falling backward, so his momentum carried him toward the other basket. Somehow, the shot rattled home. And that’s when LeBron James turned around, sought out his teammates and joyously hopped into their arms.

This was one of the bigger moments in recent NBA history: The time when our latest hope for “The Next Jordan” actually did something MJ would have done. Like so many other die-hards, I spent the next 24 hours rehashing the moment through phone calls and e-mails and texts.

…can force himself to admit this:

[Jordan was the best and worst thing to happen to the NBA because he created] a generation of one-on-one players who careen toward the basket in big moments, create some form of contact and hope officials will bail them out. With four seconds to play in Game 4 and his team trailing by 2, LeBron put his head down, dribbled as fast as he could and prayed Michael Pietrus would either bump him or trip him. If you watch the clip, he’s moving so fast that it would have been humanly impossible for him to make a shot. That wasn’t his goal. He wanted a call. And he got one. Their feet got tangled, LeBron lurched forward, and the refs bailed him out.

Both of these quotes came from the same article.  This is what drives me crazy about Bill Simmons.  He clearly and obviously sees what is happening to the NBA.  His knows the history of the game in a way that very few dorks are capable.  He can even recall a particular foul Bill Laimbeer committed against some guy from the Clippers in the 2nd quarter of a regular season game 20 years ago and what kind of doritos he was eating at the time.   He has correctly identified the problem with the modern game (see above) and even offers a few reasonable solutions to this problem.   But then he turns around and produces piles and piles of his own hero-worship bullshit (with some of the most comically overwrought sportswriting ever), the root cause of the problem he has just identified.  Wow.  Whether he realizes it or not, he is actively contributing to the demise of his beloved NBA, nudging it further and further away from his own ideal vision of the game.  I just don’t get it.

Sports journalists are the only people able to freely criticize the bullshit without getting fined.  They are the only people with an audience large enough and an influence great enough to force some kind of change in the bullshit.  Yet, these very same journalists rely on this hero-worship bullshit to pay their bills, thanks to the atmosphere fostered by Nike and Sportscenter.  Looks like we’re stuck.

So, Stan, this is why jerk reporters won’t write the obvious fucking columns they need to be writing.  And they probably never will.

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ESPNBAvid $tern – The Movie

23 May

I’ve been getting a ton of email about the “The Greatest Tragedy in Sports,”  an amateur documentary detailing David Stern’s douchebaggery from the 1985 Ewing draft lottery conspiracy to the 2002 Lakers/Kings Western Conference Final.  I thought I’d finally post something.  I’m not saying I think every claim this guy makes is legit.  I have no idea if it’s all true or even mostly true.  But I can tell you this – it’s not all bogus.  If even one tenth of this stuff has merit, ESPNBAvid $tern is a total jerk.  This documentary was obviously made by a Sacramento Kings fan/Lakers hater.  So why is this important for ihatelebronjames.com?  Because it makes the same argument that I’ve made here (of course a bit more seriously and with much higher production values) – that the NBA has become a choreographed joke based on superstar worship.  The shenanigans described in this documentary have become firmly and permanently entrenched in the NBA to such an extent that sportscasters refuse to write about favoritism, or worse – they accept it as a normal part of the game.  The governing philosophy of the David Stern era – that superstars generate super profits – benefits the Lakers, Celtics, Jordans, and Kobes of the world to the detriment to the rest of the players and teams.  LeBron James is currently the primary beneficiary.  He’s fine with that.  ESPN is fine with that.  Nike is fine with that.  Gatorade is fine with that.  If you’re a fan of the Atlanta Hawks, Charlotte Bobcats, Los Angeles Clippers, Washington Wizards, Milwaukee Bucks, Minnesota Timberwolves, Toronto Raptors, Oklahoma City Thunder, Portland Trailblazers, Golden State Warriors, Memphis Grizzlies, New Orleans Hornets, or Sacramento Kings, you’re not fine with that.

“The Greatest Tragedy in Sports” – Part 1(of 9):

If the above embed doesn’t work, here is the link.

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From: the NBA, To: LeBron James

26 Dec

For anyone who watched the wonderful LeBron James Christmas special on TNT tonight – you just witnessed the refs coming off the bench for the Cleveland Cavaliers late in the 4th quarter to make three or four consecutive “foul” calls and gift LeBron a pathetic little undeserved win for Christmas. After watching this BS, it really isn’t hard to see how the Cavs have such a jacked-up record this year.

What. A. Joke.  Any reasonable sports fan would have to admit that the last six minutes of the game were a shining example as to why the NBA is a second-tier professional sport these days.

Merry Christmas from the entire ESPNBAvid $tern family to the little baby Jesus of the NBA, LeBron James, and the entirety of knuckle-dragging fair-weather fandom.

Also, next up – 24 hours of LeBron – whateverthefuck that is. Is this shit for real? Yes, somehow it is. I caught an advertisement for it between vomiting bouts. So those of you Clevelanders or New Yorkers who need more jackoff material, grab a jar of fucking vaseline and be sure to tune in!

Assholes.

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Jeff van Gundy is a tool, a clown, and a gump

10 May

No thanks to LeBron, the Cavs won a home game against the Celtics. Congrats, guys! You are now on the level of the mighty Atlanta Hawks! LeBron laid a third consecutive egg (5-16 shooting) and was predictably bailed out by the refs (8-12 from the line).

While the game itself (LeBron flopping, faking, charging) was bad, Jeff van Gundy was worse. He was absolutely unbearable. He was so bad that the five minutes he spent discussing Chinese-owned markets actually turned out to be the high point of his commentary. Anything to drown out the sound of LeBron loudly clanking jumpshots off of the front of the rim, I suppose – whether it’s LeBrown-nosing or irrelevant BS.

It’ really funny how it’s impossible to get anything resembling informative commentary from a game involving LeBron James. Jeff van Gundy simply refused to let up on LeBron glorification no. matter. what. TNT was so desperate for some LeBron magic that it had the nerve to run an obnoxious LeBron video montage right in the middle of a particularly bad stretch of his suckfest. This kind of crap validates my suspicion that there really is some kind of pro-LeBron agenda and a pro-LeBron script the announcers are asked to follow. How else would you explain the absurd timing of the montage? It was totally inappropriate, especially considering the amazing games Joe Smith and Delonte West were having. Why not a montage of Joe Smith nailing seven consecutive shots? Delonte West draining a bunch of threes? Guess TNT feels they have to throw the zombie horde some LeBron-flavored brains between beer commercials. Sadly, they’re probably right.

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David Stern clears a big man out of the lane for LeBron

2 May

Ugh.

As if I needed it, even more ammo. Could this get any more ridiculous? Suspending Songaila for a little half-slap to LeBron is yet another obvious example of the NBA’s protection of their little chosen one.

Here is the clip from some guy’s blog on AOL – watch for yourself.

Listen to Marv Albert go batshit the very moment it goes down. It was as if he was hoping and praying for such a thing to happen the whole time. Way to whip yourself up into a frenzy, old man. What’s the deal? Is the act of constantly represssing a perverted woman-biting fetish keeping you on edge? Chill the fuck out.

Marv Albert - he bites!

YESH!

Definitely one of the lamest suspensions of all time, especially considering all of the non-suspensions as of late. What is this little bitch slap compared to the UFC-caliber elbow LeBron dealt Andre Blatche?  Kobe and LeBron’s elbows from last year’s playoffs? Even Sideshow Bob’s clothesline? Two of those events were even in this series, for crying out loud. Removing every obstacle from LeBron’s path to the finals is the name of the game.  Even if it’s a backup forward on the Wizards.

So, another day, another heaping helping is added to the already sky-high pile of bullshit.

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Dude is a faker

2 May

Ever seen the commercial where LeBron is playing a defense lawyer and exposes some wheelchair-ridden guy as a faker by throwing him a basketball? If you haven’t, you can watch it on the vitaminwater website. I just wanted to point out how perfectly absurd it is that the punchline of the commerical is “dude is a faker” when LeBron himself is the NBA’s most shameless, pathetic faker. You know, irony and all that.

LeBron James is the faker

Glaceau vitaminwater – now infused with 100% USRDA of iron(y)!

Let’s go to the videotape. Game 6. LeBron appears to have been popped in the eye in the lane. LeBron wincing and contorting his face in pain for what seems like an eternity. LeBron blinking and scowling and rubbing his eyes.  Cavs even take a timeout for King James to tend to his horrific boo boo. Replay time. Uh, yeah… LeBron wasn’t touched on the play.  Unbelievable. Of course, many sportswriters’ game recaps referred to the eye-gouge as if it were legit, some even worked it into some kind of LeBron perserverence theme.

What kind of a shameless crybaby goes through that much trouble for a phantom eye-gouge? It’s one thing to play up something that actually happend. It’s another thing entirely to go completely overboard playing up something up that never happend. Worst part about all of this? LeBron must have known that the replays would show him to be a liar and he still did it.

Just sad. Future of the NBA.

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