Tag Archives: (anti)clutch

The King without a Ring (Finger)

28 Mar

OH NO!  LeBron James has injured his ring finger!

What will LeBron James do without his most useless, purposeless, unnecessary, unimportant appendage?  The same thing he always does – not wear a ring on it.

It is so completely unnecessary to make another joke here.  However, this is ihatelebronjames.com, and I have no choice but to do so.  So, in order to honor the absurdity of LeBron James injuring his ring finger, I have collected some of the best LeBron jokes from the web in the laziest manner possible, through a google:

Click here for many, many results…

 

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FUK LBJ

15 Mar

LeBron and his merry band of pampered superstars couldn’t manage to beat the Bulls even with Derrick Rose sitting on the bench.  That doesn’t bode well for the Heat’s playoff chances.

More importantly, this:

Bulls fans send a strong message sent to LeBron - FUK LBJ

If you want one of these FUK LBJ t-shirts, look to the right, click the pic, and snag one for yourself.  The more people humiliating this clown in public, the better…

You have to click directly on the actual FUK LBJ image, or it won’t work (because of the whole curse word thing, only a direct link will take you there).

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LeBron Humiliated by Little Kid

4 Oct

Why in the world does Nike keep forcing LeBron to play basketball with kids? Remember that confiscated Nike video where some college kid dunked on LeBron? That has absolutely nothing on this:

So, this little kid *cleanly* steals the ball from LeBron, beats him down the court, and then dunks on him. And then LeBron runs back down the court and turns the ball over. This is truly amazing. Not quite sure how this happened, but it did.

This is why I pay to own ihatelebronjames.com and get off my ass to post every now and then. THIS IS WHY.

Wow.

UPDATE:

LeBron gets his confidence back by dunking over a toddler and then power-yelling:

Nobody can stop LeBron!  Not little kids, not medium-sized kids!  RAAAAAAAAR!

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Epic Fail

4 Oct

LeBron blew it.  Hilariously.  What else is there to say?  Well…maybe this:

Thanks, DeShawn, you are a legendary LeBron hater.

As usual, there’s more. Did LeBron quietly slink away after losing big like a proper loser that just lost something? *OR* did he run his arrogant mouth and say something idiotic? Predictably, the latter. This time, he decided to take a parting shot at his critics by directly insulting every NBA fan not lucky enough to enjoy a millionaire’s life of luxury:

“All the people that were rooting for me to fail… at the end of the day, tomorrow they have to wake up and have the same life that (they had) before they woke up today,” James said. “They got the same personal problems they had today. And I’m going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things I want to do.”

And so LeBron’s pattern of screwing up and then committing a massive PR gaffe immediately afterward continues…

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Premature LeJackulation…

10 Jun

Sportswriters are such jerkoffs.  Here’s a wonderful case-study, courtesy of ESPN – Rick Reilly. Embolded by the Heat’s game 3 win, I guess, Rick Reilly mustered up enough courage to write a shameless ass-kissing piece on The Chosen One.  Pretty nauseating stuff. Here’s the best part:

Eventually, LeBron James is going to win enough rings to start a pawn shop. He may win them by scoring like Wilt. He may win them by passing like Magic. He may win them by defending like Russell. What’s your point? Aren’t they all shiny?

Way to go out on a limb, Rick. At the time, this looked like the safest of safe calls and therefore this column, at best, was a bunch of front-running shit. Turns out that limb was flimsier than it looked. Very flimsy as the last few games have demonstrated.

So what does a sportswriter do when his big fucking deal of a column has been completely invalidated and he’s too pussy to own up to it? Rick Reilly has been writing about sports long enough to know what to do. There’s a guidebook on the entire process:

First, only have strong opinions when it seems to be safe (naturally).

Second, just in case you might be wrong, make sure that every article you ever write contains a bunch of weaselly cop-outs and qualifiers such as:

It tastes like Drano in my mouth, but I’ve got to say it: The Miami Heat are pulling off one of the greatest I Told You So’s in the history of American sports.

and…

I’m the last guy that wants to write a glowing column about LeBron James.

Third, kinda pretend to be pulling for the other team from time to time. This gives the kinda appearance of kinda being objective in your sportswritings.

And finally, and this is *critical* – when you are busted, follow-up with a bullshit puff piece that has no substantive value whatsoever. Even if this piece drops at the most critical point possible in the playoffs of the sport you are covering and seems wildly inappropriate. It will serve as a crude yet effective distraction.

I’ve seen this same old shit so many times. I caught that jerkoff Bill Simmons doing the same thing years ago during one of LeBron’s first playoff runs (his piece was so bad ESPN removed it from their archives). And I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure that award-winning journalist Rick Reilly goes the puff piece route on a regular basis.

Here’s the beauty of this whole system – if the Heat end up winning it all, Rick can pick up right where he left off, take credit, and maybe even win another one of those ultra-prestigious sportswriting awards.

Sports…what a job.

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A Good Excuse?

10 Jun

For those of you that can’t bring yourselves to believe that LeBron James is simply a playoff choker, there might a valid excuse floating around out there – LeBron’s girlfriend is hooking up with one of the ugliest Washington Wizards! Delonte West all over again! Poor LeBron! Oh no! The truth was uncovered by hard-hitting investigative journalist Stephen A. Smith through, uh, the grapevine or something.

Not so fast…unfortunately for you excuse-makers (and fortunately for LeBron), it appears that the whole thing is bullshit, per Rashard Lewis and common sense.

Either way – LeBron’s performance in the clutch is not very Jordan-esque. Or even Drew Gooden-esque.

Game 5: 2 points and a bunch of turnovers and fouls

LeBron playoff stats because he sucks

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LeBron Apologizes?

16 May

…sort of.

“The way it panned out with all the friends and family and the fans back home, I apologize for the way it happened,” he said.

Well…better than nothing.  I guess.  Note  that LeBron found the courage to issue this “apology” only after his move was validated (for lack of a better word) with a series win over the Celtics.  Big man.

Unfortunately for LeBron and friends, this:

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Ha Ha

30 Mar

LeBron James reminding the Cavs what he is/was all about – stats.  And…errrrr…losses.

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Whattadouche

11 Aug

Check out LeBron’s custom t-shirts! Arrogant. Narcissistic. Insecure. Pathetic.

lebron-james-check-my-stats-shirt
lebron-james-mvp-shirt

He sure put those pretenders to the throne in their place.  Who needs rings WHEN YOU GOT STATS!?

I can’t think of many people, even many professional athletes, that are this purely egotistical. LeBro is an exceptional specimen.

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“Pulling a LeBron”

10 Jul

Main Entry: 1pull a LeBron

Pronunciation: \?pu?l ? l?-brä?’ also ?p?l ? l?-brä?’\

Function: transitive verb

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English pullian; akin to Middle Low German pulen to shell, combined with proper noun LeBron/LeBron James [exp], contemporary

Date: 2009

transitive verb 1 a: to become humiliated by an inferior member of peer-group b : to refuse to acknowledge failure [ref] c : to strain abnormally in order to prevent exposure of embarrassment d : willful suppression evidence (of failure)

Let’s examine a sequence of events so compelling that they necessitated an expansion of the English language itself:

LeBron gets dunked on by a college kid.

Nike, in a disastrous lapse in judgment, quickly confiscates the tapes.

Shit blows up.

Oh my.  This is a story. If you’ll remember, LeBron was blocked by a high school kid at his camp a few years ago.  And he was badly beaten in a game of horse by a warehouse worker in 2008.  That was well-documented.  So while this wasn’t the first time LeBron was humiliated by a mere mortal, it was certainly his most public humiliation.

Soon after this story broke, Philip Rivers was showed-up by a high schooler at his camp.  So perfect.  “Getting LeBron’d” officially enters the lexicon.

Is LeBron’s ego really this fragile? Is Nike really this over-protective of their little baby? Yes and yes.

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