Tag Archives: adventures in asskissing

LeBron’s Tiny Purse

12 Mar

LeBron's Man Purse

Fabulous.

What’s inside LeBron’s cute little purse? Eyeliner? One of those hilariously small pistols women used to carry in the wild west?  An even smaller Hello Kitty purse? WHO KNOWS.

Guess you don’t need a very big purse when all you gotta carry is three quarters…

Thanks to John G. for the heads-up.

UPDATE: Notorious LeBron fellator Kelly Dwyer has actually written a story titled “LeBron’s man purse is still cooler than anything you own.”  Uh…:

I don’t care what you think, that thing is dope. I’d carry two, if I could pull it off. With the leather and the handle, it looks like it’s going to be full of straight razors, scotch whisky and creamed spinach in anticipation for that night’s massive slab of prime rib. If that’s a man-purse, it’s something that Errol Flynn would have boarded a swanky dirigible with.

There are so many things wrong with this.  Oh yeah – nothing says manliness like straight razors, scotch, and prime rib.  And nothing says I’m about to crush a 40 oz. prime rib and wash it down with a bottle of Johnny Walker like the tiniest little tampon carrier in the world.  Nothing.

And no, this dude is not being sarcastic.  This isn’t some joke that I’m not getting. I know this because of everything he has ever written about LeBron in the past – close to 100% of it is sickening ass-kissing.

He even used the word “dope.”  That is unforgivable.

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Premature LeJackulation…

10 Jun

Sportswriters are such jerkoffs.  Here’s a wonderful case-study, courtesy of ESPN – Rick Reilly. Embolded by the Heat’s game 3 win, I guess, Rick Reilly mustered up enough courage to write a shameless ass-kissing piece on The Chosen One.  Pretty nauseating stuff. Here’s the best part:

Eventually, LeBron James is going to win enough rings to start a pawn shop. He may win them by scoring like Wilt. He may win them by passing like Magic. He may win them by defending like Russell. What’s your point? Aren’t they all shiny?

Way to go out on a limb, Rick. At the time, this looked like the safest of safe calls and therefore this column, at best, was a bunch of front-running shit. Turns out that limb was flimsier than it looked. Very flimsy as the last few games have demonstrated.

So what does a sportswriter do when his big fucking deal of a column has been completely invalidated and he’s too pussy to own up to it? Rick Reilly has been writing about sports long enough to know what to do. There’s a guidebook on the entire process:

First, only have strong opinions when it seems to be safe (naturally).

Second, just in case you might be wrong, make sure that every article you ever write contains a bunch of weaselly cop-outs and qualifiers such as:

It tastes like Drano in my mouth, but I’ve got to say it: The Miami Heat are pulling off one of the greatest I Told You So’s in the history of American sports.

and…

I’m the last guy that wants to write a glowing column about LeBron James.

Third, kinda pretend to be pulling for the other team from time to time. This gives the kinda appearance of kinda being objective in your sportswritings.

And finally, and this is *critical* – when you are busted, follow-up with a bullshit puff piece that has no substantive value whatsoever. Even if this piece drops at the most critical point possible in the playoffs of the sport you are covering and seems wildly inappropriate. It will serve as a crude yet effective distraction.

I’ve seen this same old shit so many times. I caught that jerkoff Bill Simmons doing the same thing years ago during one of LeBron’s first playoff runs (his piece was so bad ESPN removed it from their archives). And I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure that award-winning journalist Rick Reilly goes the puff piece route on a regular basis.

Here’s the beauty of this whole system – if the Heat end up winning it all, Rick can pick up right where he left off, take credit, and maybe even win another one of those ultra-prestigious sportswriting awards.

Sports…what a job.

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Enough is Enough

16 May

“A LeBron James team is never desperate.”

– LeBron James, referring to himself in the third person

Doc Rivers finally benched E.T. That’s the good news. The bad news is that game 6 was a frustrating mess in all other respects. A few highlights: LeBron officially became a ref, reversing an out-of-bounds call with a hissy-fit at some point in the second half. LeBron also put an absolutely outrageous travesty of a charging foul on Paul Pierce deep in the 4th quarter to ruin the integrity of the entire game, despite the fact that it was the most obvious blocking foul of the entire game, if not the entire history of the NBA. Glen Davis was mugged under the basket the entire game, and LeBron went to the line more than the entire Celtics team. It was an unmitigated disaster.

I can’t take any more of this:

scrawny rich kid nerd cavs fan

And I certainly can’t take any more of this:

LeBron scowls like a whimpering crybaby

Please, Celtics: pick your shots, use some movement, and end this nonsense on Sunday night. And then lose to the Pistons in the next round because you don’t deserve to win shit this season.

About the commentary – worst by a non-Jeff van Gundy crew yet. Some anonymous nobodies, obviously selected for their eagerness to LeBrown-nose, were selected to call the game. They were absolutely useless sycophants. One of them, Doris Burke, actually had the nerve to call the BS LeBron/Paul Pierce charge call a 50/50. Yeah, she’s partial. It was a 100/0, doofus. She also produced what has to be the lamest, most pathetic attempt at asskissing I have ever witnessed. Get this – she heaped a full minute of praise on LeBron after a failed inbounds pass. A failed inbounds pass. Even though the world’s greatest passing wizard failed to hit a teammate on an inbounds pass at midcourt, Doris Burke was shocked at how amazingly calm and collected he was in doing so. What? Hacks.

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LeBron’s single MVP vote…

12 May

I think I just found out where that one MVP vote came from…

I LOVE LEBRON JAMES

Okay, it was me.

Really? More of this underrated shit? These dudes have some nerve. First of all, even if LeBron were to average 37 points a game in this series, he would still be overrated. Why is this? Because he is so highly rated by the sportswriting world that he couldn’t possibly be underrated or even properly rated. Unless he pulls a 50- point triple- double masterpiece every game, he can never live up to his hype. Therefore, he is overrated. Period. Now, consider the garbage games LeBron has been producing as of late, and this argument dissolves into complete nonsense.

This guy peddles the tired “no supporting cast” crap we’ve all heard a thousand times, which holds no water as far as I’m concerned. If LeBron truly is the MVP, then all his team would need to do is get him open looks for him to rain down jumpers. They are doing just that. In fact, the Celtics are giving away open jumpers to the Princess of Ohio. LeBron’s is flat-out missing them, hence the stats. Can you imagine what would happen if a team gave almost any other top 10 player so many open looks? They’d slaughter some jerks. This no supporting cast argument is just plain silly at worst, some kind of chicken and egg thing at best. Z is definitely a top center, slow goofball that he is. Ben Wallace, despite the fact that he is the only player in the league that can regularly chuck up airballs from 2 feet, is still a top defensive player. And then there are the many solid role players on the Cavs. Joe Smith and Delonte West – see last game.

I’d like to think that this guy doesn’t really believe LeBron is underrated and that he was just looking for an attention-getting headline. That’s the impression the article left me with, despite all the LeBron praise contained within. He makes a few good points. However, you can’t type this:

When James was going 2-for-18 in Game 1 or 6-of-24 in Game 2, there were questions about how so prodigious a talent could shoot so badly. But another perspective could have been, Why doesn’t it happen more often?

…and still believe that LeBron is somehow underrated. Two consecutive playoff disasters in a row? That’s unforgivable. He’s stretching with “But…why doesnt’ it happen more often” and he has to know it.

One good thing about this article – some really insightful Knicks gossip:

One of many reasons why the Knicks hired coach Mike D’Antoni was to pursue James in 2010, when he can opt out (along with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh) at the same time New York may have the room to offer him a max contract. Provided they can clear enough cap space, D’Antoni’s new Knicks would offer James the ultimate stage in New York as well as an up-tempo, open-court style featuring all of his skills. Before Game 3, James referred to D’Antoni as “an offensive mastermind,” a compliment that must send chills up the spine of Cleveland’s management.

Good stuff. Oh man – I can’t wait. When LeBron goes to the Knicks, I can change the web page colors! And Cavs fans will stop sending me hate mail! And, like most people, I hate the Knicks anyway, so it will be an easy transition.

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Jeff van Gundy is a tool, a clown, and a gump

10 May

No thanks to LeBron, the Cavs won a home game against the Celtics. Congrats, guys! You are now on the level of the mighty Atlanta Hawks! LeBron laid a third consecutive egg (5-16 shooting) and was predictably bailed out by the refs (8-12 from the line).

While the game itself (LeBron flopping, faking, charging) was bad, Jeff van Gundy was worse. He was absolutely unbearable. He was so bad that the five minutes he spent discussing Chinese-owned markets actually turned out to be the high point of his commentary. Anything to drown out the sound of LeBron loudly clanking jumpshots off of the front of the rim, I suppose – whether it’s LeBrown-nosing or irrelevant BS.

It’ really funny how it’s impossible to get anything resembling informative commentary from a game involving LeBron James. Jeff van Gundy simply refused to let up on LeBron glorification no. matter. what. TNT was so desperate for some LeBron magic that it had the nerve to run an obnoxious LeBron video montage right in the middle of a particularly bad stretch of his suckfest. This kind of crap validates my suspicion that there really is some kind of pro-LeBron agenda and a pro-LeBron script the announcers are asked to follow. How else would you explain the absurd timing of the montage? It was totally inappropriate, especially considering the amazing games Joe Smith and Delonte West were having. Why not a montage of Joe Smith nailing seven consecutive shots? Delonte West draining a bunch of threes? Guess TNT feels they have to throw the zombie horde some LeBron-flavored brains between beer commercials. Sadly, they’re probably right.

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OVER-RATED

8 May

“OVER-RATED”

– an arena full of spectators

Box Score:

OstrichLeBron lays an egg against the CelticsLeBron lays an egg against the CelticsLeBrickCeltics beat Lebron

(LeBron chokes again)

LeBron fun facts through game two of the Celtics series:

Humiliating blowouts suffered: 1

Shot percentage: 19% (8 for 42 )

Turnovers: 17

Percentage of total points from free throws: 52% (!)

Game-tying layups missed with 9 seconds left: 1

Stat whores live by the stat sheet, stat whores die by the stat sheet. LeBron is getting murdered by the stat sheet.

Considering LeBron’s humiliating chokefest, I (half) expected the announcers to finally get off LeBron’s nuts for a while, if only to spare him the public criticism he so obviously deserved. However, defying all common sense, the ESPN crew actually ramped up the LeBrown-nosing as the second half progressed! Unbelievable. The crew busted out multiple Jordan/Oscar Robertson comparisons and even brought up last year’s Pistons game three or four times. Pathetic. Here’s a novel idea, ESPN: why don’t you encourage your announcers to discuss the actual accomplishments of the winning players (at least while their victory is in progress!) instead of praising the past victories and imaginary future accomplishments of loser-ass LeBron James in the midst of his worst meltdown ever.

Best part of game 2? LeBron’s inability to do anything right. When LeBron realized he couldn’t make a jumpshot to save his life, he resorted to his patented blind bull-rush tactics. Unfortunately for LeBron, he also couldn’t make a layup to save his life. The Celtics then decided to pile into the paint and give LeBron free looks from the three-point line. He badly bricked every single wide-open shot. Good game plan, Celtics.

Most ridiculous part of game 2? With 6 seconds left on the game clock, the refs called travelling on the Celtics as they were walking the ball up the court. They actually blew the whistle and gave the ball back to the Cavs, who then had to walk out the clock themselves. Nice.

I hope the refs are such sticklers for the rules the next time LeBron shamelessly travels with 6 seconds remaining on the game clock. Jerks.

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David Stern clears a big man out of the lane for LeBron

2 May

Ugh.

As if I needed it, even more ammo. Could this get any more ridiculous? Suspending Songaila for a little half-slap to LeBron is yet another obvious example of the NBA’s protection of their little chosen one.

Here is the clip from some guy’s blog on AOL – watch for yourself.

Listen to Marv Albert go batshit the very moment it goes down. It was as if he was hoping and praying for such a thing to happen the whole time. Way to whip yourself up into a frenzy, old man. What’s the deal? Is the act of constantly represssing a perverted woman-biting fetish keeping you on edge? Chill the fuck out.

Marv Albert - he bites!

YESH!

Definitely one of the lamest suspensions of all time, especially considering all of the non-suspensions as of late. What is this little bitch slap compared to the UFC-caliber elbow LeBron dealt Andre Blatche?  Kobe and LeBron’s elbows from last year’s playoffs? Even Sideshow Bob’s clothesline? Two of those events were even in this series, for crying out loud. Removing every obstacle from LeBron’s path to the finals is the name of the game.  Even if it’s a backup forward on the Wizards.

So, another day, another heaping helping is added to the already sky-high pile of bullshit.

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Wizards lose again…sigh

2 May

Last word about the Wizards vs. Cavaliers rivalry – two out of the three series that Cavs have won were handicapped strongly in LeBron’s favor due to injuries as a matter of fact. For the sake of argument, I’ll give LeBron the first series because nobody on the Wizards was really hurt, even though you could easily argue that two of the Cavs wins were due to absolute trash and that was the difference (see early stuff on this site).

As far as the last two series go – bad calls, suspensions, cheating, and travelling aside – injuries were the most important factor, not LeBron’s overwhelming skill. Gilbert and Caron were completely absent from the 2007 series. Enough said. This year, Gilbert was basically playing on one leg and Caron was obviously a wreck due the numerous injuries he had been carrying all season and that ramped up as he tried to compensate for Gil’s absence down the stretch.

LeBron doesn’t exactly own the Wizards, he owns a beat up, injured approximation of the Wizards.

Gilbert Arenas hates LeBron James, too
Whatever, asshole.  Good thing I was fucking crippled.

Bad news, LeBron – ESPNBAvid Stern wants a Celtics/Lakers finals more than anything in the world. That’s right – even more than it/he wants you, Chosen One.

Good luck with KG, buddy!

Yikes:

KG must feast

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Cheating is a noble virtue (for LeBron only)

29 Apr

Immediately after game four, sportswriters everywhere have been cranking out articles glamorizing LeBron’s psychological victories against the Wizards.  Many of the usual suspects, including Washington DC’s own Michael Wilbon, have joined in the fun.

Yes, there is trash talk flying everywhere and yes, LeBron has been on the winning side of things lately.  In the NFL, winning can turn Randy Moss into a good teammate and Ray Lewis into a great guy.  The same is true in the NBA, apparently, where winning can put you on the right side of things, especially when your nickname is The Chosen One and even AP articles refer to you as King James.  Sportscasters will demonize and ridicule trash talk from Stevenson, Gilbert, and Haywood (Barkely, every single sportscaster on EPSN, Stephen A. Smith, etc.).  Yet they will take trash talk or some other jerky behavior from LeBron and interpret it as some kind of cutting-edge psychological technique that demonstrates LeBron’s true competitive genius.

What these talking heads are really doing is actually promoting cheating or bad behavior as some kind of virtue.  LeBron started the feud with Stevenson by trashing him to Drew Gooden.  LeBron elbowed Andre Blatche in the face and started a fight with Brendan Haywood at center court.  LeBron talks trash.  LeBron shamelessly takes advantage of the special LeBron-only rules regarding traveling and charging as he lowers his head and blindly bull-rushes his way to the basket when his jump shot is failing him.  And when he is called for a foul, LeBron has the gall to complain and whine about it.  If somebody gave me a fifty dollar bill out of the blue, I wouldn’t whine and complain that they should have given me a hundred dollar bill.  Dude is just spoiled.

Below is an exchange between Mike Wise, a DC area reporter, and David Stern. This conversation was televised on Comcast before game three of the series.  I heard about it through the grapevine, but I wasn’t able to locate the actual clip on the internet.  The best I could do is find a kinda-transcript from a DC area sports blog,
http://www.truthaboutit.net:

David Stern was on Comcast before the game talking with Russ Thaler and Mike Wise of the Washington Post…who was hitting him with some hard questions, albeit halfway in jest….such as:

Why does LeBron travel worse than Patrick Ewing in the 80s?
Laughing non-answer. Or….
Why do superstars get calls? Evidently Stern can prove that this is not true with statistics, but doesn’t have the time….yeah riiiight.

Nice.  So the best Stern can do is laugh it off (awkwardly, I’m guessing) and refuse to acknowledge the question?  That’s pretty telling.  The way I see it, he got called out and was essentially rendered speechless, even in a friendly, half-kidding environment.  He might as well have said: “Well Mike, because that’s the way the NBA like$ it.  And because I am absolutely unwilling to do anything about it…that’s why.”

If anybody has this clip or an actual transcript, please email it to me.  I’d love to see David Stern squirm with my own two eyes.

This is a fact – if every player in the NBA acted like LeBron James, the league would degenerate into a technical foul-ridden joke and everybody would be asking why the NBA is such a classless pile of crap.  Or the league would degenerate into a no-holds-barred slugfest where fouls are never called and everybody would be asking why the NBA is such a classless pile of crap.  Either way, David Stern should probably consider the long-term ramifications of allowing this LeBron-related bullshit to go down game after game, series after series, year after year.

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