LeBron is pitching his own TV show!

27 Dec

LeBron is pitching a badass TV show about himself, aiming for an air date of next fall.  I am com-plete-ly **PSYCHED** about this!  Holy fucking YES.  I can not wait that long. I CAN NOT WAIT.  Oh my gawd I am totally ALREADY SICK OF WAITING.  And you know what else?  Ice Cube will be the executive producer.  Yeah.  For real.  LeBron will also be a producer (in order to make sure the show is TRULY awesome).  King James of all Media, muthafuckaaaaz.  Anyway, I’m totally sure the show will be totally, totally sweet. And awesome.  Possibly to the MAX.  It will follow LeBron from his early days as a young basketball player on through to his days as a slightly older basketball player, right up to his days as an even bigger and older basketball player playing basketball.  It will have everything awesome like playing basketball with other dudes on a basketball team, getting tricked-out H2s from shady boosters, crazy mom stuff (parent’s just don’t understand), basketball dunking, being awesome at some other stuff like rooting for the Yank-deez, and some other gritty real-life stuff like having badass cars and mansions.  But mostly the most crazy sweet basketball dribbling and shooting.  Also, passing.  Perhaps even zany hijinks with LeBron’s fun-luvin’, big-tippin’ entourage!

Looks like this show is going to be a winner!…or the biggest steaming pile of boring bullshit every captured on videotape.  One of those two.

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LeBronJames.com is no more

26 Dec

I did it.  I finally shut down LeBronJames.com – check it out.  Lebron.msn.com has also kicked the bucket. Meanwhile, IHateLeBronJames.com is growing more powerful every day.

For those that are missing LeBronJames.com – check out ILoveLeBronJames.com – you’ll find that it is an adequate substitute.

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From: the NBA, To: LeBron James

26 Dec

For anyone who watched the wonderful LeBron James Christmas special on TNT tonight – you just witnessed the refs coming off the bench for the Cleveland Cavaliers late in the 4th quarter to make three or four consecutive “foul” calls and gift LeBron a pathetic little undeserved win for Christmas. After watching this BS, it really isn’t hard to see how the Cavs have such a jacked-up record this year.

What. A. Joke.  Any reasonable sports fan would have to admit that the last six minutes of the game were a shining example as to why the NBA is a second-tier professional sport these days.

Merry Christmas from the entire ESPNBAvid $tern family to the little baby Jesus of the NBA, LeBron James, and the entirety of knuckle-dragging fair-weather fandom.

Also, next up – 24 hours of LeBron – whateverthefuck that is. Is this shit for real? Yes, somehow it is. I caught an advertisement for it between vomiting bouts. So those of you Clevelanders or New Yorkers who need more jackoff material, grab a jar of fucking vaseline and be sure to tune in!

Assholes.

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I’m interviewed by a legitimate Cavaliers site

26 Dec

As LeBron has become more of an abrasive a-hole, Cleveland fans have become a little more open-minded when it comes to accepting that LeBron Jame might not be the greatest thing in the universe after all.  So open-minded that one Cavs super-fan, Amar from Cavalier Attitude, actually wanted to seriously interview me.

Check my interview with Cavalier Attitude here.  At first I thought it had to be a trap, but I must say that it was a fair interview from a serious website. As you can see from the responses to the interview, some of the more rational Cavs fans found themselves agreeing with me on some points (though quite a bit more still hate my guts and refuse to see the truth, of course).

It was definitely an interesting experience.  I wish they had interviewed me after the full-blown New York Knicks fiasco, though!

Go visit Cavalier Attitude to read the full interview.  If the link doesn’t work, shoot me an email and I’ll post the full interview here.

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CHALK

23 Dec

Because the chalk clap commercial wasn’t lame enough on it’s own – introducing the chalk shoe.

Only LeBron can take something as lame as clapping talcum power or chalk or whatever that crap is, make it his trademark, build an advertising campaign out of it, and then create yet another retarded signature shoe in honor of it.

Guess trademarking a chalk clap is still better than trademarking an awkward-looking off-balance jumper clanging off the side of the rim.

Who is buying these ridiculous shoes outside of LeBron’s entourage?

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LeGrinch

16 Dec

Just in time for Christmas, LeBron’s charity is releasing its staff and shutting down year-round activities.

I am going to continue to be active in the community, especially with the bikeathon. There are going to be some more things next summer. I don’t think it is going to change it. Basically, it will allow the guys around me to focus.

Focus on what?  LeBron?  So…firing all of the the charitible workers will allow people around LeBron to focus more on Lebron.  Got it.

At least we can all rest assured that the LeBron James King for Kids Bikeathon is still going to happen.  Phew.

Of course, the charity organization will continue to exist as a legal entity for tax write-off purposes.  Ugh.  Unbelievable.  Classy guy, that LeBron James.

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LeBron also loves the Cowboys…shocker

8 Sep

What a pathetic, front-running loser.

DJ Gallo’s words (page 2 guy), not mine.

When some dude from ESPN – an organization devoted to, created by, and supported by fair weather fans – accuses you of being a fair weather fan, you are most definitely a massive fair weather fan.

LeBron’s perverse love for the Yankees has been well-documented ever since he showed up at an Indians playoff game and openly rooted for the Yankees in an explicit “fuck you” to the entire city of Cleveland.  At about the same time, LeBron created a special Yankees-themed shoe with Nike to rub salt in the wound.  Then, as if to drive the point home to the few Clevelanders who didn’t get it, LeBron did a few interviews in which he publicly confirmed his love for the New York Yankees.  Any remaining microscopic grain of a doubt as to whether or not LeBron is a fair-weather fan has been completely obliterated with the not-so-shocking relevation that he roots for the Dallas Cowboys.

Wow.  How terribly predictable.  If somebody were to ask me to venture a guess as to what NFL team LeBron cheers for, my first guess would have been the Dallas Cowboys.  Why?  Because they are a bunch of dispicable, obnoxious, hissyfit-throwing jerks and/or prima donnas and they’re usually in first place or “supposed” to be.  Also, they get all the calls and have blubbering legions of uneducated, casual fans who can’t name three starting players on the team.  Sound familiar?

Three peas in a pod:

Tony Romo crying liek a little baby

Tony Romo crying like a little baby

TO crying like a little baby

TO crying like a little baby

LeBron crying like a little baby

LeBron crying like a little baby

Fun fact: Distance between Cleveland and Dallas – 1,200 miles.  Distance between Cleveland and almost every other NFL city – way the hell less than that.

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LeBron still unsure if genocide is bad…somehow

15 Aug

If you’ll remember, way back when Darfur first starting making the news, LeBron refused to sign one of his teammate’s Darfur petition because he wanted to “do more research” on the topic or some other such bullshit.  When all was said and done, it was pretty significant PR fiasco and LeBron was left with quite a bit of egg on his face.  And deservedly so.  He didn’t sign the petition.

Fast forward a year to the 2008 Olympics in Bejing.  Apparently, a year was simply not enough time for LeBron to properly research the issue and decide that Darfur genocide was unquestionably a bad thing, because he just couldn’t bring himself to condemn genocide during the Olympics.  He never did sign his teammate’s petition, either.  And when a group of over one hundred athletes decided to stage an organized protest during the Olympics, LeBron was conspicuously absent, despite the fact that he had earlier promised in a public statement that he would later issue some kind of…er…future public statment statement with, uh, some guys, or, err…something.

Could it be any more plainly obvious that concerns over Nike’s mega-money dominate LeBron’s every decision?  He couldn’t and wouldn’t even condemn GENOCIDE, the worst evil perpetrated by man, even though it had already given him a massive PR black eye once before, even though he was already in the public eye to respond, and even though hundreds of other athletes joined together in a public protest during an Olympics where he was probably the biggest draw behind Michael Phelps and Chinese NBA stars.

Since LeBron proably isn’t pure evil, there has to be something more going on here.  That something is pretty obvious.  So let’s explore why LeBron couldn’t bring himself to condemn something as atrocious as genocide by playing a little game of connect-the-dots:

LeBron receives what probably amounts to hundreds of millions of dollars from Nike.

Nike makes millions of pairs of shoes in China and other parts of China-dominated Asia, paying workers an unconscionable $1.75 per day (selling shoes for $150 that cost less than $5 to produce).

China runs on Sudanese oil (it imports 70% of Sudan’s total oil exports) and provides the genocide-condoning Sudanese government with diplomatic protection and arms, and is the chief investor in government-sanctioned business dealings in Sudan.

So, if that’s too complicated for you – I’ll break it down a little bit more: LeBron can’t say one bad thing about the Darfur genocide/Sudan in fear of angering his evil master’s evil master.  It’s all about getting the money for LeBron.

Pathetic.

Try and defend this, King James worshippers.  You can’t.  It’s absolutley, unbelievably, ridiculously indefensible (although Michael Wilbon tried – good work, asshole).

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MAX-I-MUS!!!

14 Aug

Not exactly sure how I missed this one, but LeBron has named his second son “Bryce Maximus.”  I obviously don’t need to go into exactly what is wrong with this crap.  I guess he already used up “LeBron James Jr.”  Maximus was the only logical direction he could go.

Vintage LeBron. Now he’s imposing his egomaniacism on his offspring. I’m sure this kid will turn out to be *perfectly* normal.

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LeBron to Europe for 50 mil?

6 Aug

LeBron’s money-grubbing has reached a new, unprecendented high with his claim that he might consider leaving for Europe for a 50 million dollar a year salary. Currently, the largest NBA contracts top out at under 20 million a year.  That’s probably not going to change significantly by 2010 when LeBron enters free agency.  LeBron no likey.  LeBron has a great idea – why should The Chosen One limit himself to the NBA and its paltry 20 million dollar salaries?  LeBron owes it to himself to explore other options, right?  That’s capitalism, baby!  European leagues do not have silly things like cap limits or luxury taxes.  Maybe LeBron could go there.  Maybe for $50 million a year. Just maybe.

The way I see it, this story could be interpreted in a number of ways.  Maybe LeBron is a pure money-grubber (that is well-documented, after all) and he really would bail on the NBA for 50 mil in some crap Euro league.  Or could he be saying that Euro leagues are so bad, it would take the amazing sum of 50 mil to get him over there – basically insulting the Euro leagues.  I think the most likely scenario is that LeBron is basically trying to scare the NBA franchises into jacking up its asking price for King James (or maybe Nike will pick up the slack to ensure he stays in the US market).  Maybe LeBron just got loose from his handlers and blurted out  something stupid.  Wouldn’t be the first time.  Maybe it’s a combination of all of these things.

Realistically, we all know that LeBron will go the Knicks or Nets for ~20 million and continue his lame powder-clap bullshit in a different jersey – staying with the NBA until he retires.  And he’ll continue to rake in obscene sponsorship money and say and do obnoxious things that piss me off.  No matter what happens, it’s a guarantee that he’ll continue to be a total jerk.

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