LeBron Homer FAIL

20 Mar

Would you like to read a bunch of flimsy reasons why we (unfairly) hate on LeBron too much? Great – because some guy at Bleacher Report has provided 9 of them.  Not 10, just 9.

Check it out. This guy may be the worst LeBron apologist of all time.

This garbage reads more like a concise list of reminders as to why our hatred of LeBron is justified than a defense of LeBron’s behavior.  For example, here is the weakest possible argument in defense of Lebron’s recent anti-heroics:

LeBron Passes on Final ShotLeBron pulled up for three and missed the shot that could have won the game, but the Heat got the offensive rebound and another chance to win the game. LeBron called Dwyane Wade to the ball and handed him the final shot. Wade made that shot, which led to a victory.

Well, once again, people didn’t think LeBron responded well to the pressure, and thought that he should’ve tried once more to give the Heat the win.

This is unfair criticism for a couple of reasons.

1. He tried to take the final shot. He missed.

2. After missing, LeBron probably wasn’t the most confident player on the court.

3. Do you really want a player lacking confidence shooting the final shot?

Didn’t think so.

Wow.  This genius explicitly addresses and validates the most common criticisms of the King James in one absolutely perfect example:

1. LeBron is not clutch when the game is in his hands.

In this example, LeBron misses a potentially game-winning shot.

2. LeBron is afraid to take the last shot.

In this example, LeBron is granted another chance to take the game-winning shot and redeem himself but passes the ball like it’s a hot potato.

3. LeBron is Wade’s sidekick/bitch/wife/Robin to Wade’s Batman, etc.

In this example, LeBron actually calls Wade over and gives him the ball (an obvious metaphor for leadership, responsibility, etc.) so that Wade can get it done.

So – Robin rushes into a fight, gets the shit kicked out of him, and Batman has to jump in and take care of business.  Robin watches the rest of the fight from the Batmobile.  With the doors locked.

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FUK LBJ

15 Mar

LeBron and his merry band of pampered superstars couldn’t manage to beat the Bulls even with Derrick Rose sitting on the bench.  That doesn’t bode well for the Heat’s playoff chances.

More importantly, this:

Bulls fans send a strong message sent to LeBron - FUK LBJ

If you want one of these FUK LBJ t-shirts, look to the right, click the pic, and snag one for yourself.  The more people humiliating this clown in public, the better…

You have to click directly on the actual FUK LBJ image, or it won’t work (because of the whole curse word thing, only a direct link will take you there).

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LeBron Overpaid, Still Willing to Sell Pork Donuts

14 Mar

According to some study or something, LeBron is the third most overpaid person in the universe.  Only the human Garbage Pail Kid known as Snooki and one of the Kardashians are more overpaid for whatever it is that they do for money.

As overpaid as LeBron is, it must not be enough munny for that greedy SOB, as Dunkin’ Donuts has just announced that LeBron James is the fresh new face of their amazing and delicious pork donuts in China!  YES.  Finally!  You know what?  I’m being unfair to Lebron.  I don’t want to give you guys the impression that he is simply cashing checks – this is simply not true.  He is an *ambassador*.

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LeBron’s Tiny Purse

12 Mar

LeBron's Man Purse

Fabulous.

What’s inside LeBron’s cute little purse? Eyeliner? One of those hilariously small pistols women used to carry in the wild west?  An even smaller Hello Kitty purse? WHO KNOWS.

Guess you don’t need a very big purse when all you gotta carry is three quarters…

Thanks to John G. for the heads-up.

UPDATE: Notorious LeBron fellator Kelly Dwyer has actually written a story titled “LeBron’s man purse is still cooler than anything you own.”  Uh…:

I don’t care what you think, that thing is dope. I’d carry two, if I could pull it off. With the leather and the handle, it looks like it’s going to be full of straight razors, scotch whisky and creamed spinach in anticipation for that night’s massive slab of prime rib. If that’s a man-purse, it’s something that Errol Flynn would have boarded a swanky dirigible with.

There are so many things wrong with this.  Oh yeah – nothing says manliness like straight razors, scotch, and prime rib.  And nothing says I’m about to crush a 40 oz. prime rib and wash it down with a bottle of Johnny Walker like the tiniest little tampon carrier in the world.  Nothing.

And no, this dude is not being sarcastic.  This isn’t some joke that I’m not getting. I know this because of everything he has ever written about LeBron in the past – close to 100% of it is sickening ass-kissing.

He even used the word “dope.”  That is unforgivable.

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LeBron Dunks on Kid

11 Mar

I guess LeBron got sick of getting dunked on by kids and decided to turn the tables on those little fuckers.  Skip to 0:40 to see LeBron absolutely destroy some little kid.  POSTERIZED!

In all fairness to LeBron, the kid was inside the charge circle.  No foul.

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LeBron Threatens a Heckler

28 Feb

LeBron is still tad testy about that whole Delonte West thing, per some NBC reporter’s twitter:

Heckler: [reminds LeBron that Delonte West boned his mom]

LeBron: “The only reason you talk shit is because you know I can’t come off the court right now and beat your ass…but if I had a free pass, I’d kick your ass right now…

Heckler: “I’m right here baby. Let’s go.”

LeBron doth protest too much, methinks.  Pour gasoline on that fire, buddy.

Read about it here.

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LeBron Rules

30 Jan

As evidenced by last night’s Bulls/Heat game, it is still illegal to block LeBron James’ bumbling shots in the paint.  Especially near the end of a game.  Super-especially if the game is close.

That is all.

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Biggest Scumbag in Sports History?

24 Jan

Is LeBron the biggest scumbag in sports history?  According to Bleacher Report, not quite.

Bleacher Report has identified 23 athletes scummier than than King James.  So far, I have to admit – LeBron has a long way to go.  As much as I can’t stand LeBron, I can’t imagine what he could possibly do to top Ty Cobb or Barry Bonds.  I don’t see LeBron turning into a raging racist or a steroid freak.  Anyway, I’ve always though of LeBron as more of  a douchebag than a scumbag.

On the other hand, LeBron is a still a young man.  We shall see what the future holds…

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LeBron Opens Up in his Most Revealing Interview Yet

11 Jan

In the aftermath of the unmitigated disaster that was “The Decision,” it was clear that LeBron’s public relations team had to completely re-think their strategy. Initially, they formulated a plan to duct tape LeBron’s mouth shut whenever he wasn’t playing basketball. However, they failed to account for the fact that LeBron weighs 250 pounds and is incredibly strong. That plan did not succeed.

Next, Nike stopped messing around and brought out the big guns, created a confusing hour-long commercial that attempted to put the public in the millionaire crybaby’s shoes. In doing so, they hoped that LeBron’s misguided but loyal fans would sympathize with his plight to screw them over in order to do whatever the fuck he wants to do. You know – heavy is the head that wears the crown and all that. This plan failed as well. In fact, it made things quite a bit worse, especially for Clevelanders. This outcome wasn’t too hard to predict, considering the commercial was totally retarded and condescending.  It even included a Don Johnson cameo.

Left with few other options, LeBron’s downtrodden handlers decided to return to the PR guy’s best friend – the softball interview. But wait…wasn’t “The Decision” itself a softball interview?  Hell, they actually paid that guy to lob softballs. And LeBron *still* screwed it up. “Fuuuuck us,” the poor PR team exclaimed as they cried into their Michelob Ultras.

Then something magical happened. Just  just as Nike was about to send a hit squad to take out the miserable PR idiots, one of them had a Don Draper moment:

“Hey fellow PR goons!  I’ve got it!”

[suspenseful pause]

“Check this – we can have little British kids ask The King questions, screen them very carefully, and then have him answer them on tape so we can delete the most retarded responses!  And here’s the best part – since these factory town kids probably have mercury poisoning, most people won’t even be able to understand the crap coming out of their mush-mouths!”

And lo and behold – it worked!  See!:

Q: Are you taller than a giraffe?

LJ: I am tall, but I am not taller than a giraffe.

Success!

Well…maybe not a complete success.  Not sure how this one got through the filter:

Q: What’s your proudest moment?

 LJ: I’d have to say my proudest moment would be winning a national championship in high school.

I guess if you haven’t won an NBA championship, your next proudest moment would have to be the championship you did win.  The coveted high school championship.

Wait a second…doesn’t LeBron have two sons?  Ouch.

Enjoy the whole ridiculous thing:

 

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LeBron’s Posse Rejects Birthday Cake, Screws the Baker out of $3K

5 Jan

LeBron James’ insane clown posse, the physical manifestation of King James’ arrogance and sense of entitlement, has hit a new low, rejecting a fancy birthday cake and leaving the baker to foot the $3,000 bill. This poor lady made the mistake of accepting an offer to provide a free cake in exchange for publicity at LeBron’s 27th birthday douchefest. Cause, you know, LeBron doesn’t have $3K on hand, and needs to bargain hunt. Unfortunately for the baker lady, LeBron’s posse rejected the cake the day of the party (breaking their end of the bargain) and refused to pay up.

Let’s crunch the numbers on this. LeBron made $48,000,000 last year. $3,000 is a measly .00625% of that. The normal person equivalent of this bullshit would be some guy making $50,000 a year refusing to pay for a $3.00 cake.

When it comes to class, LeBron really takes the cake [snickering].

WORD IS BOND, YO. Well, this is LeBron “I ain’t goin’ nowhere” James we’re talking about. Could you say that the baker got “Clevelanded?”  I think you could.

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