Haywood on LeBron: “waaaaah, waaaaah”

29 Apr

“Awww,” Haywood said in a whiny, high-pitched voice to mock James. “They are trying to hurt me.”

Haywood, who was called for a flagrant-two foul and ejected from Game 2 after shoving James, believes it’s time for Cleveland’s superstar to stop complaining.

“I mean, come on man, this is the playoffs,” Haywood said following Monday’s practice. “He wears 23, he wants to be Michael Jordan, I can respect that, he’s a great player. You saw what Mike went through. Mike got fouled way worse than this. No one is trying to hurt him, everybody is trying to play basketball, trying to play tough. Play basketball and leave it alone.”

You see plenty of LeBron’s whining by watching the broadcast of any Cavs game, even with the TV announcers shamelessly refusing to comment on it.  It’s apparent to anyone paying attention.  That having been said, I’m sure Brendan Haywood witnesses three times as much additional LeBron whining when he’s on the court.  He’s able to see and hear every groan, complaint, and incredulous facial expression the camera misses.  So, whatever impression we have of LeBron’s crybaby BS is clearly only the tip of the iceberg.

What I’m saying is this – Haywood knows.  In fact, seeing as how he has been thrown out of a game as a direct result of the cumulative effect of LeBron’s whining, has been leg-humped by LeBron, and has narrowly dodged a punch to the nutsack thrown by LeBron, he’s the most credible source available on the matter.

Of course, this article rushes to LeBron’s defense and leaves the impression that he is demonstrating remarkable poise and perseverance in the face of such vicious attacks and insults.  The article provides some good quotes, but the rest of the article’s editorializing is pure party-line bullshit, even referring to LeBron as “King James.”  It is interesting to note that this is an AP article, which you would think would be a little more objectively written.

If I wasn’t lazy as hell, I’d photoshop a picture of LeBron’s face superimposed on the body of a crying baby right here.  But I am lazy…and it’s a little too obvious.

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Cheating is a noble virtue (for LeBron only)

29 Apr

Immediately after game four, sportswriters everywhere have been cranking out articles glamorizing LeBron’s psychological victories against the Wizards.  Many of the usual suspects, including Washington DC’s own Michael Wilbon, have joined in the fun.

Yes, there is trash talk flying everywhere and yes, LeBron has been on the winning side of things lately.  In the NFL, winning can turn Randy Moss into a good teammate and Ray Lewis into a great guy.  The same is true in the NBA, apparently, where winning can put you on the right side of things, especially when your nickname is The Chosen One and even AP articles refer to you as King James.  Sportscasters will demonize and ridicule trash talk from Stevenson, Gilbert, and Haywood (Barkely, every single sportscaster on EPSN, Stephen A. Smith, etc.).  Yet they will take trash talk or some other jerky behavior from LeBron and interpret it as some kind of cutting-edge psychological technique that demonstrates LeBron’s true competitive genius.

What these talking heads are really doing is actually promoting cheating or bad behavior as some kind of virtue.  LeBron started the feud with Stevenson by trashing him to Drew Gooden.  LeBron elbowed Andre Blatche in the face and started a fight with Brendan Haywood at center court.  LeBron talks trash.  LeBron shamelessly takes advantage of the special LeBron-only rules regarding traveling and charging as he lowers his head and blindly bull-rushes his way to the basket when his jump shot is failing him.  And when he is called for a foul, LeBron has the gall to complain and whine about it.  If somebody gave me a fifty dollar bill out of the blue, I wouldn’t whine and complain that they should have given me a hundred dollar bill.  Dude is just spoiled.

Below is an exchange between Mike Wise, a DC area reporter, and David Stern. This conversation was televised on Comcast before game three of the series.  I heard about it through the grapevine, but I wasn’t able to locate the actual clip on the internet.  The best I could do is find a kinda-transcript from a DC area sports blog,
http://www.truthaboutit.net:

David Stern was on Comcast before the game talking with Russ Thaler and Mike Wise of the Washington Post…who was hitting him with some hard questions, albeit halfway in jest….such as:

Why does LeBron travel worse than Patrick Ewing in the 80s?
Laughing non-answer. Or….
Why do superstars get calls? Evidently Stern can prove that this is not true with statistics, but doesn’t have the time….yeah riiiight.

Nice.  So the best Stern can do is laugh it off (awkwardly, I’m guessing) and refuse to acknowledge the question?  That’s pretty telling.  The way I see it, he got called out and was essentially rendered speechless, even in a friendly, half-kidding environment.  He might as well have said: “Well Mike, because that’s the way the NBA like$ it.  And because I am absolutely unwilling to do anything about it…that’s why.”

If anybody has this clip or an actual transcript, please email it to me.  I’d love to see David Stern squirm with my own two eyes.

This is a fact – if every player in the NBA acted like LeBron James, the league would degenerate into a technical foul-ridden joke and everybody would be asking why the NBA is such a classless pile of crap.  Or the league would degenerate into a no-holds-barred slugfest where fouls are never called and everybody would be asking why the NBA is such a classless pile of crap.  Either way, David Stern should probably consider the long-term ramifications of allowing this LeBron-related bullshit to go down game after game, series after series, year after year.

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Throat slash fine for Stevenson

29 Apr

Wow!  Right on cue!  Thanks for validating the shit that I just finished typing about you, David Stern.  So, Stevenson is fined for a throat slash gesture towards the Cavaliers bench, huh?  Funny, there is a COMPLETELY IDENTICAL situation in which LeBron did the SAME THING to the Wizard’s bench in a past Wizards/Cavs playoff series and, IMAGINE THAT, NO FINE.  No foul, no tech, no nothing.

Seriously.  For the love of fuck, this is ridiculous.  The NBA is making it easy for me.

This is apples to apples, people. If this doesn’t constitute absolute proof of shameless LeBron favoritism at the highest levels of the NBA, I don’t know what does.

LeBron James - where's the tech?

Let me talk to David…there has to be some kind of mistake. Do you know who I am?

UPDATE: Damon Jones also did the throat slash gesture and didn’t get fined.

Damon Jones is a douche

Could I be any more of a douchebag without hanging out with the famous internet Heineken guidos? Nope.

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The Great Jay-Z Enters the Ring

27 Apr

This shit is so played-out that the New Republic is writing about it.

I’m sick and tired of this LeBron/Stevenson BS already.  Most of all, I am sick of hearing the TV announcers repeat that shit over and over.  It has gotten so bad that the network produced graphic overlays to explain the whole thing to the viewers during game four.  Please, cut that shit out.  When a couple of crackerjack TV announcers are explaining some rapper shit to you, it loses whatever mystique and coolness it might have had at that very instant.

So, to summarize – some DJ in a DC club played an anti-Wizards song from Jay Z prior to Sunday’s game.  Butler, who was the only Wizard to attend the party, felt slighted and left the party, rather than beat somebody up.

First off, that moron DJ needs to check himself before he finds himself spinning tiny-bopper hits in some Clevaland shithole or floating face down in the Anacostia.  Hometown loyalty, asshole.  Second, Jay Z pretty much undermined the whole “I’m too good to respond to insults from lesser chumps” argument by recording that dumb song, now didn’t he?

A Village Voice blog entry sums up this nonsense better than I can, and gets to the essential core of Jay Z’s involvement in this whole fiasco:

Ah: To make this relevant to your life, Jay-Z is probably siding with Lebron here because he aims to woo the guy from Cleveland to Brooklyn in a couple years, just in time to join the relocated Nets, who will play in a fancy new arena whose construction will probably involve bulldozing your apartment.

Uh…yup.  I’l leave it at that.

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Worst Playoff Loss in Cavs History

25 Apr

Wow. A 36 point blowout. Worst in Cavaliers history, apparently. And the Wizards didn’t need to victimize LeBron with hard fouls, elbow anybody in the face, or entice the refs to throw out the Cav’s best big man to make it happen. Best of all, Soulja Boy was there to see the whole thing. Sadly, LeBron’s good friend Jay Z was not able to make the game.

Best part of the game apart from Stevenson lighting it up? Caron Butler ripping the ball out of LeBron’s hands, running the length of the floor, and dunking. Oh yeah, the constant booing every time LeBron touched the ball and the chants of “overrated!” when LeBron went to the foul line late in the game were also pretty satisfying.

LeBron saw quite a bit of this tonight:

DeShawn Stevenson - suck it LeBron

I can’t feel my face!

Getting blown out in franchise record-breaking fashion – another fine addition to the ever-growing list of LeBron’s accomplishements.

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A Shining Beacon of Truth

23 Apr

Tom Knott of the Washington Times: shining beacon of truth, real American hero.

As horrifying as the reality of this annual LeBron James playoff nightmare may be, there is at least one sportswriter who is willing to speak the truth. One free-thinking champion willing to rage against the shreaking horde of glassy-eyed sportscenter zombies, Stephen A. Smith-style jerkfaces, repetitive-ass analysists, and catch phrase-pandering television announcers: Tom Knott of the Washington Times. God bless you, sir. You are my hero.

I imagine that poor Tom has finally gotten to the point where he simply can’t take the shameless LeBron nonsense anymore. Covering the Wizards for the Washington Times and watching the same shit go down for three years in a row has to be beyond painful. After game 1, he probably found himself at the same point I found myself two years ago when I was actually motivated enough to start up this dumb site. Tom matter-of-factly just puts it all out there in his column. Clearly, he has stopped trying to be a “good” sportswriter of the Michael Wilbon mold. I linked his two articles below. Read them. Then read some pro-Cavs articles from the Cleveland rag of your choice. Then compare both types of articles to ESPN or SI articles. Hmmm, funny how close the “objective” sports media outlets are to Cavs-centric hacks. And it’s not like Tom Knott’s columns are fueled by a blind love for the Wizards. He pulls no punches when it comes to trashing the Wizards for their crappy play in both articles.

So – here are the articles, read them for yourself (if the links have expired, just google “Tom Knott” and the name of the article):

LeBron should go back to class (April 20)

Oh, these foul forces of evil (April 23)

First, Tom Knott calls out LeBron for that bullshit elbow from game 1. He brazenly suggests that…gasp…LeBron should be suspended for elbowing some guy in the face. Imagine that! So outrageous and controversial!

LeBron James should be suspended from Game 2 after being unable to control his inner bully yesterday.

James deposited an elbow in the face of Andray Blatche with 11 seconds left in the first quarter. He then twice threatened to drop an elbow on Brendan Haywood, first to his groin region and then to his face, after the two became tangled near the end of the first half.

In the second article, Knott focuses on Mike Brown’s ridiculous argument that LeBron is a hopeless victim of a Washington Wizards’ evil campaign of ultra-violence:

Brown said: “Washington has come out and said, ‘Hey, they’re going to hit LeBron. They’re going to hit LeBron. They’re going to hit LeBron.’ You can’t have grown men saying, ‘I’m going to go hit somebody.’ If that’s the case, we, the NBA and the officials cannot allow anything to get out of hand, and they have to keep control over the game on both sides.”

It also should be pointed out that the best blow delivered in the series so far was the one James administered to Andray Blatche in Game 1. It was a James-inspired forearm to Blatche’s jaw that the three referees apparently missed, just as they miss the hop, skip and jump that James sometimes employs on his way to the basket.

Most importantly, Knott says what everybody knows, but nobody says…that the league tacitly (or possibly actively) encourages calls consistently favorable to LeBron:

This is not to endorse the notion the referees are persuaded by Brown’s fantasy [that the Wizards are violent thugs out to get King James].

They are persuaded by the dictates of the league office, which in turn is persuaded by the marketing power of James.

So he is not the Chosen One. He is the Bubble Player.

And woe to the player who karate chops his head in the manner of Anderson Varejao taking down Blatche in Game 2.

I have a little warning for Cleveland fans: you worship LeBron James now, but you have created a monster. Precisely the kind of monster who would bail on his home team for more money, more glory, more whatever. He already roots for the Yankees at an Indians playoff game, you idiots. The more you encourage LeBron’s bullshit now, the more it will grow like a weed, and the harder it will be to stomach when he turns on you. What are you going to do when LeBron shows up at Quicken Loans Arena wearing a Knicks jersey? What are you going to do when he elbows a Cavs player in the face? What are you going to do when eliminates the Cavs form the playoffs with a charge and a travel in the final seconds of game 7? Shamelessly root for this asshole at your own peril, morons.

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Oh yeah, it gets worse…

22 Apr

So now Wizards are actually getting ejected for hard fouls on LeBron – fouls that are actually less violent than fouls committed on Wizards in the very same game (Varejao clotheslining Blatche in mid-air, some other Cavs dude wrecking Antonio Daniels mid-air, etc.). The Varejao foul was a flagrant 1. The foul on Antonio Daniels was just a regular blocking foul, I think. But Brendan Haywood grabbing LeBron’s midsection mid-air – flagrant 2, instant ejection. Immediate talk of a suspension. Come on.

Caron Butler actually got called for a hand-checking foul on LeBron well after the game was completely out of reach (20+ points!). Watch it. It’s a joke. Much like the elbow, there’s no justifying this shit. Reggie Miller came *this* close to calling out the refs multiple times without actually going through with it. I know he wanted to, but he probably felt the collar around his neck tighten threateningly and had to back off. So he had to resort to the mildest possible “one could make the case that” type of innocuous bullshit comments. He pussed out, basically. Still, you could tell what he wanted to say, and that is something.

Son of a bitch. I don’t know how you Cavs fans live with yourselves and take pride in these wins.

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ElBron James

19 Apr

Here we go again. Again. Again. Again. Again, again, again. Again and again and yet again. The Wizards are living and reliving the same torturous hell for the third year running. Groundhog day combined with the twilight zone and a Nike commercial, narrated by the world’s most annoying PA announcer.

What do we have here? Let’s see:

LeBron throwing elbows in the playoffs with impunity: LeBron James is a goat - CHECK

LeBron shamelessly whining, retaliating, crying, and bullying:LeBron James is a goat - CHECK

Mike Brown being a completely hypocritical doofus:LeBron James is a goat - CHECK

TV announcers constantly making excuses for LeBron the moment it appears he is faltering (“he has a bad back”), ignoring his unconscionable turnovers and vicious fouls, praising him to the high heavens the moment he does anything good: LeBron James is a goat - CHECK

Outrageous travelling: superfucking LeBron James is a goat - CHECK

And, of course, refs shamelessly applying one set of rules for the Cavs, and an entirely different set of rules for the Wizards: LeBron James is a goat - CHECK

To use a clearcut example of this bullshit from game 1, and one that is clearly documented on film and not at all debatable, I will contrast Andre Blatche’s rough foul on LeBron with LeBron’s retaliatory elbow and the reaction from the refs in both cases.

Blatche’s hard foul was probably intentionally aimed at LeBron and not at the ball. I’ll assume that for the sake of argument. Blatche’s blocking arm definitely whacked LeBron on the shoudler/neck/chest area. It happened during the course of a block while LeBron was driving to the basket – certainly a routine play on the ball and a common occurence in the NBA, playoffs or not. Blatche is called for the foul. Totally reasonable as it was clearly a foul. LeBron tears up a little, as is pretty standard, and throws a hissy fit. Whatever. Normal stuff.

But what happens next is absolutley amazing.

A few minutes later, LeBron is fouled close to the basket and a defensive foul is called. I think it was a reach-in or something. Immediately after the whistle, LeBron, who is facing Blatch at this point, basically winds up and delivers an elbow directly to Blatche’s face. Not the Bill Lambeer kind of elbow you throw when you’re backing someone down, either. LeBron was facing Blatche. He had to extend his arm forward and reach out and up towards Blatche to pull off this elbow. It was an attack, basically. Reaction from the refs: nothing. No tech, no verbal reprimand. Not even a disapproving stare.

That actually happened. Watch it for yourself. Now consider this: if DeShawn Stevenson delivered a dirty elbow to LeBron’s ugly mug, the NBA would have Stevenson sewing up LeBron James signature New York Yankees Tribute Nikes in Taiwan in the blink of an eye. NO reasonable person can possible come to LeBron’s defense in this situation. Asshole Cavs fans, yes. Reasonable, sensible human beings, no. As has been demonstrated many, many times, LeBron is a total jerk. Like a teenage kid running wild without a father figure to lower the boom when appropriate, LeBron has been so spoiled and coddled by the ineffective parenting of the NBA, that he is now officially (and predictably) an out-of-control monster.

Blatche’s reaction to an elbow smashing into his face: he slowly leans back, makes a funny “are you fucking serious?” kind of face, and just lets it go.

LeBron’s reaction: Honestly, I have no idea, as I was seeing red, jumping up and down, and pouring myself another bourbon within two milleseconds. Bet it was some taunting bullshit.

Mike Brown’s reaction: “I don’t know if he did it or not,” or some other such obvious bullshit. Really? Because you have the game tape, TNT has the game tape, sportscenter has the game tape, and youtube has the gametape. And you were there, probably less than 25 feet away. And since you are the coach, and LeBron had the ball at the time, I’m guessing you were watching.

So, let’s recap: LeBron, hard-fouled in a playoff game, enraged that a lesser player would dare to foul him in such a manner in a playoff game, is completely unable to maintain his cool – even minutes later – and smashes the opposing player in the face. In start contrast, Blatche, who came to the NBA right out of highschool, was shot in the hand during a carjacking during his rookie year, and got busted by the cops soliciting a prostitute the following year, is somehow mature enough to keep his cool when the biggest asshole he’s ever played against delivers a power elbow to his face.

Of course, in addition to all of this, there was the bullshit fight LeBron started with Brendan Haywood. Result: two Wizards technicals (Haywood and Jamison), only one for the Cavs (LeBron).

I’m not even going to get into the ridiculous charges and travels LeBron gets away with, because it’s just plain obvious.

The TV announcers’ talking points during the game (hand delivered by David Stern, no doubt):

– LeBron struggles through hard fouls, a back injury, and personal insults, carrying an incompetent group of bumbling clowns to VICTORY!
– King James is awesome
– Th Chosen One is Jordanesque
– The Wizards are jerks, Gilbert Arenas is a jerk, DeShawn Stevenson is a jerk
– LeBron is *NOT* overrated, in fact, he is *underrated* (one of the TV announcers actually said this during the game, by the way)

Reality:

– LeBron is a big jerk and a cheater
– LeBron pouts and throws temper tantrums like a two year-old when he doesn’t get his way
– LeBron cries/tears up a lot on the court
– LeBron is not even remotely Jordanesque, as Jordan was a six-time finals MVP
– LeBron, since I’m pretty sure he isn’t the real king of anything or an actual god, is obviously overrated

I will demonstrate true cosmic reality of LeBron’s existence with a simple mathematical equation:

LeBron + Nike + NBA + pussy-ass sycophant announcers + LeBron-coddling zebras + money + ESPN = heaping helpings of intolerable bullshit.

Also, I would like say a few things about the DeShawn Stevenson/LeBron fued the announcers kept harping on every five or six seconds.

First, DeShawn Stevenson was reacting to something LeBron said about him as relayed by Drew Gooden. So LeBron started it. Of course, this is glossed over.

Second, LeBron’s comeback is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. To summarize (and paraphrase, cause I don’t feel like looking this crap up):

DeShawn Stevenson: “LeBron is overrated”

LeBron, when asked about what he would like to say to Stevenson: “I don’t respond to personal attacks. It would be like if some awesome rapper (Jay Z) were to respond to an insult by some lesser-known rapper (Soulja Boy).”

Okay, do you notice anything wrong with this nonsense? First of all, LeBron tries to claim that he’s above all this personal insult crap, when in fact he was the one that started it all. But here is where LeBron looks like a total goat – what LeBron told that reporter was a response to Stevenson, so he contradicts himself right off the bat. Apparently he’s not too good to respond to Stevenson. Not only that, it contained an insult (“I’m so much better than Stevenson that I can’t even honor him with a retort”). Irony, doofus. EYE-RUN-EE.

Of course, nobody called him out on his faulty logic or the absurdity of the whole situation. Instead, they chose to spin it as “look how mature young LeBron is!” I don’t completely blame them for letting it go, however…you never know when LeBron might smash his massive and powerful forearm directly into your face.

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All Old Posts

6 Mar

Because I’m too lazy to convert all of the old posts to this new format, I’m lumping them all here in one place (basically copied from the old website).

Here you go:

April 6, 2008

I haven’t posted to this site in ages because, frankly, all the LeBron-related hysteria during last year’s playoffs was actually starting to make my physically ill. So I took some time off. Besides, LeBron’s ultimate failure (which I predicted, of course) was pretty self-explanatory.

However, I never stopped paying attention to the bullshit and just in time for the annual LeBron playoff-related hype escalation, I’m back to catch up.

A few general comments – isn’t it interesting that LeBron is running away with the scoring title this season while his team has taken a serious dive? Kobe can’t compete in this silly game because he has had the western conference playoff seeding to worry about and has mitigated his stat-whoreness for the sake of his team (as much as Kobe is capable of doing such a thing). This year’s Cavs, even with the late-season trades to support LeBron’s complaints (I’m not going to get into this), are clearly worse than they were last year, regularly giving up games to total goats. To give LeBron league MVP in this situation would be completely absurd. He is basically taking points away from his teammates to pad his stats. I’m oversimplifying this a bit, but generally, any reasonable person has to admit this is the case. In addition, LeBron’s silly bravado continues to undermine his team. Anybody see the Cavs/Wizards game where LeBron tried for the three-point buzzer-beater down by two? Yeah, he totally bricked that thing off the front of the rim. And this after talking all kinds of smack to DeShawn Stevenson and Gilbert Arenas (who was injured and undressed). If he drove, he would have been guaranteed a foul call. There is nothing worse than talking a bunch of shit and failing miserably to back it up. But then again, that’s what the entire LeBron universe is all about.

Of course, there is no talk of the Cavs returning to the NBA finals.

* * * * *

Whenever – LeBron Graces the Cover of Vogue Magazine

Come on. This is just terrible. No elaboration necessary.

LeBron James on the cover of Vogue

* * * * *

February 18, 2008 – LeBron is All-Star MVP – espn.com

Really? Check out the box score.

PTS

FG-A

FT-A

3P-A

ST

TO

MIN

Allen

28

10-14

3-5

5-9

2

0

19

James *

27

12-22

1-1

2-7

2

4

30

Also, Ray scored 14 points in the last three minutes of the game, including three monster three-pointers. Ray Allen clearly won the game for the East with a clutch 4th quarter performance, played with greater efficiently in all respects than LeBron, and scored more points.

Nice MVP selection, assholes.

I challenge anyone to tell me why this makes a lick of sense.

* * * * *

January 22, 2008 – LeBron [hearts] New York – sports.yahoo.com

First, LeBron attends a Cleveland Indians playoff game wearing a Yankees hat :

In October, James drew the ire of many Clevelanders when he sat behind home plate boldly sporting a New York cap to Game 1 of the division series between the Yankees and Indians. It wasn’t just that James wore enemy colors, but he flaunted the despised interlocking “NY” logo by raising it high over his head, a gesture some took as a slight to the hometown Indians.

Wow. That’s just terrible. But wait, it gets worse – LeBron, apparently without conscience, has the nerve to design an entire shoe line devoted to the Yankees:

Dominated by the team’s traditional blue-and-white color scheme, the Air Zoom LeBron V shoe features New York’s famed pinstripes as well as James’ No. 23, the number worn by popular Yankees first baseman Don Mattingly.

Also, under the tongue are the words: “Le-Bron Ja-Mes. Clap. Clap. Clap Clap Clap,” a nod to the cheer New York fans reserve for their beloved Yankees, and on the strap is the phrase: “Fresh for ‘08. Suckers!”

If I was a Clevand fan, I’d hate LeBron’s guts. Fair weather fans simply can’t be trusted as they clearly have no sense of loyalty. LeBron grew up in Ohio, yet he brazenly wears a metaphorical I [heart] New York shirt all over town. There is simply no excuse for this behavior.

James has been loyal to the Yankees since he was a kid. He’s also a big Dallas Cowboys fan.

New York Yankees and the Dallas Cowboys? Wow. As far as fair weather fans go, LeBron is in the 99th percentile. That takes some balls.

LeBron is going to the Knicks, Clevelanders, know this. You might as well prepare yourselves emotionally and start hating him now. He will betray you.

“LeBron has a great appreciation for New York City itself,” Wilkins said, “and this is just another tie.”

* * * * *

December 30 , 2007 – 101 in a 65 at 3 am – sports.yahoo.com

Oh my. What a life LeBron James lives, my friends. Step 1 – throw a crazy 23rd “runway” birthday party (whateverthefuck that means…). Step 2 – drink up. Step 3 – drive your car 101 in a 65 at 3 am. Step 4 – have the cops bust your ass. Step 5 – nothing. No consequences, no ramifications – not from the press, not from the sponsors, not from the team. Excellent. If ugly-ass Damon Jones pulled this shit, he’d have been hauled directly to jail and suspended a bunch of games outright. But not LeBron. From my wilder, younger days tearing around town in my early 80s 5.0 Pontiac Bonneville, I know that 25+ over the speed limit is automatically considered reckless driving. What’s 36 over the limit? Should be something. No mention of a breathalizer, of course.

I said this when LeBron’s moms got busted – where was the limo driver? Certainly, if there is a time to call the driver, it’s the evening of a massive birthday bash.

Interesting tidbits from the article:

“I’m not going to jail or nothing like that,” he said. “I wasn’t drunk. I was just speeding. That’s it.”

Perhaps, perhaps not:

LeBron James birthday shots

On apparently feeling entitled to do whatever the hell you want:

When James was asked if he will continue traveling at such speed, he said: “I don’t know, maybe at times. It’s not a big deal to me.

Uh, okay.

Also, if anybody knows where this LeBron James/Bobby Brown picture came from and/or if it is real (the lettering on the sleeve and the giant letters in the background make it seem at least remotely possible), let me know.

Nice:

LeBron James looking like Bobby Brown

Also, take note that the birthday bash took place in New York – yeah, that’s where he happend to be on his birthday, but come on. Think how much more money LeBron could make with a major market team. I can’t wait to see LeBron in a Knicks jersey.

* * * * *

December, 2007 – LeBron’s Finger Hurts

So LeBron sits out five games because of a boo-boo on his non-shooting hand. Nice. On one end of the sports toughness spectrum, you have Ronnie Lott, who willingly cut off his own finger so he could compete. On the other end you have LeBron James, who will find any excuse not to mess up his PPG stat. The Cavs lost all five games LeBron missed during this incredible display of wussiness. LeBron is the consumate team player.

* * * * *

May 31, 2007 – LeBron finally lives up to the hype and we will never, ever, ever hear the end of it, ever – the entire internet, print media, and sportscenter until the end of time

B A R F.

Way to go, Pistons. LeBron decides not to pass the ball for the final HALF HOUR of the game and you continue to give him a clear path to the basket. Listening to Marv Albert say “greatest playoff performance of all time” upwards of ten times in the final three minutes of the broadcast was beyond painful.

I’m just hoping that this will make LeBron’s ultimate failure even more satisfying.

* * * * *

May 24, 2007 – Another 4th Quarter LeBoner – sportsillustrated.com

It’s a good thing Alex Rodriguez isn’t a hot girl. Because if he was, and hooked up with LeBron James in Miami, their child would be the chokingest mega-chump ever to walk the face of the earth.

So, if you’ll recall LeBron’s quote from game 1, dishing the ball to some benchwarmer when you have two men on you is a winning play to make in the dying seconds of a game. So how does LeBron explain his decision-making in game 2? In what was essentially the final possession of the game, LeBron plays with the ball for ten seconds, drains the shot clock down to nothing, awkwardly drives the lane with his head down (and a Walter Payton-style stiff arm fully extended, by the way), falls into an obvious collapse-into-the-paint-cause-we-know-what’s-coming *triple*-team, and then throws up some ugly pile of crap. BRICK. Larry Huges gets the rebound and a wide-open jumper from five feet. BRICK. Cavs foul with one second left on the clock. LeBron yells at the refs for a good thirty seconds. You could hear it clearly on TNT’s broadcast – and you know they were pointing the parabolic microphone as far away from LeBron as possible so his rant wouldn’t be picked up. Of course, no technical. You *know* if Rasheed Wallace pulled that crap he would have gotten a tech. Doesn’t matter, though – Cavs lose.

Other nice highlights from the game:

*LeBron obviously wiping tears from his eyes after blowing the final shot of the game.

*LeBron chucking a bullet pass to absolutely nobody (actually, it was the Piston’s bench) very late in the fourth quarter.

*LeBron getting mega-blocked.

*LeBron’s second half performance in general.

*The fact that Larry Hughes left a promising Wizards team for the Cavs so that he could have a chance to win a championship and then proceeds to miss an open game-winning jumper from five feet. Yeah, Larry – it was the Wizards.

Fact: LeBron is now an established choker. I can’t wait to see how LeBron’s bitchboys try to spin this one…

* * * * *

May 24, 2007 –LeBron Scrutiny Excessive – some guy from sportsillustrated.com named Kelly

Scrutiny Excessive? Fuck that shit. Dude published this article about 9 hours too early. Wonder how long it stays up. A year ago some guy from ESPN’s page two wrote the most outrageously obnoxious prediction about LeBron changing the rotation of the earth, altering life as we know it with a legendary playoff performance for the ages, etc… Of course, LeBron blew it. Shortly thereafter, the link was straight-up banished from the site. SI would be kind to do this nerd the same courtesy.

Kelly Dwyer

“I love my lil LeBron-Bron. One day he’ll see how much I love him. I’ll make him. We’ll be 2gether 4ever”

-Kelly Dwyer

* * * * *

May 21, 2007 –LeBron pulls a Kobe, elbows with impunity – aolsportsblog.com

Wow. Have you heard one thing about LeBron’s elbow to Chris Webber in game 1? Nobody’s talking about it. The announcers didn’t say one goddamn thing about it during the game and I haven’t heard a peep from any major media outlet. When Kobe elbowed Ginobli in the face, it was all over sportscenter for a week. That was some dumb regular season game. This happened deep in the playoffs. Unbelievable.

This link includes a video – watch it, because it’s probably the only place you’ll see it. Unfortunately (or fortunately), we won’t get to see slow-mo zooms of it from every conceivable angle as we did with the Kobe elbow(s).

Good job, NBA. You’ll ruin the entire playoffs by suspending Stoudemire and Diaw for standing up and taking a couple steps away from the bench after they see Nash get video game-style hip-checked, but you won’t even entertain the idea of disciplining LeBron for blatantly elbowing Chris Webber?

If any of you punks out there still believe LeBron doesn’t receive special treatment from David Stern and friends, you’re fooling yourselves.

Nike’s airbrushed LeBron “[insert a quasi-clever nickname created by a marketing firm here]” James is fading before our very eyes. They need to add a new character to the LeBrons commercials – dickhead cheater Lebron. Dude is unraveling pretty quickly.

* * * * *

May 21, 2007 –“LeBron James might have deferred to his teammates one too many times” – sportsillustrated.com

You said it, SI. Cavs lose game 1 to the Pistons. LeBron sucked up the court and played scared.

“I go for the winning play,” James said. “The winning play when two guys come at you and a teammate is open is to give it up. It’s as simple as that.”

Hmm…passing to Donyell Marshall with the game on the line. Good plan. It’s not a winning play if you don’t win, LeBron. You can’t blame the Golden Child, though. He was scared. He was working with 10 points on 5 of 15 shooting. He knew he would miss the shot. So he made sure that wouldn’t happen by getting rid of the ball.

Lots of good quotes tonight:

”You just have to take what’s there,” James said. ”It’s not about taking a high volume of shots, it’s about trying to win the basketball game. We had an opportunity to win.”

Odds of Kobe Bryant passing up a game-winning shot attempt and dishing to Donyell Marshall: 100,000:1

Odds of Gilbert Arenas passing up a game-winning shot attempt and dishing to Donyell Marshall: 9,400:1.

Odds of Donyell Marshall passing up a game-winning shot attempt and dishing to Donyell Marshall: 200:1.

* * * * *

May 20, 2007 – LeBron keeps choking in the fourth quarter – New York Daily News

LeBron is lucky as hell. First, the Cavs had the outrageous good fortune to draw the Wizard’s injury-riddled backups in the first round of the playoffs. Even though the Wizards were without superstar Gilbert Arenas and all-star Caron Bulter, the Cavs didn’t manage a single blowout in the series. The Cavs advanced. In the Eastern semis, the Cavs matched up with the Nets. LeBron had a couple of late-game meltdowns, but the Cavs were able to win in six because, frankly, the Nets suck. Meanwhile, the Pistons had to go through the Bulls (who themselves had to go through the Heat) – a slightly higher degree of difficultly, don’t you think? Good thing the Pistons worked hard all season to earn that #1 playoff seed.

So here we are – LeBron faces the Pistons in the playoffs for the second straight year. He has to be haunted by memories of his colossal second-half meltdown in game seven of last year’s series. Are LeBron’s fourth quarter anti-heroics going to add fuel to this website’s fire? I’m guessing they will. We’ll have to see.

* * * * *

April 28 , 2007 – Nikes can prevent serious injury/Adidas suck – Cleveland Plain Dealer

“If I had Adidas, I probably would’ve broken my ankle.”

LeBron gives us a much-needed update on basketball shoe quality. Adidas suck. Starburys totally suck. Nikes are awesome. Get da munny.

* * * * *

March 29 , 2007 – LeBron makes a brave stand against affordable footwear – newsday.com

For those of you who haven’t been convinced that LeBron is a money-grubbing corporate shill of a jerk, please read this story. Before a recent Knicks/Cavs matchup, LeBron somehow works up the nerve to trash Stephon Marbury for endorsing a shoe that little kids can get a hold of without stabbing a classmate or slinging green in the schoolyard.

Key quote :

Before the game, James took a little shot at Marbury’s $14.98 kicks, saying he couldn’t imagine endorsing a sneaker that cheap.

“No, I don’t think so,” James said. “Me being with Nike, we hold our standards high.”

Wow. Is LeBron that naive? A pair of LeBron’s Nikes, selling for $150 (more for hi-tops), costs Nike less than $5 to produce in a factory somewhere in Asia. Superior craftsmanship, for sure. A pair of Stephon Marbury’s “Starbury” shoes costs $14.98 to buy. Guess that’s why LeBron has a $90 million endorsement deal with Nike and Stephon Marbury had to start up his own shoe company .

Stephon wasn’t about to take that shit lying down. He comes back at LeBron with some truth:

Marbury, who is friendly with James, was lacing up his Starburys before the game when informed of LeBron’s comment. He thought about it for a moment and said, “I’d rather own than be owned.”

…and then buries the Cavs at the end of the game with a couple three-pointers. Looks like Stephon’s cheap shoes didn’t handicap him too much.

One more interesting tidbit from the article – LeBron James actually endorses Cub Cadet lawnmowers. Hawking lawnmowers, LeBron? For real? Is that what it’s come to? Class act, that LeBron James. He knows a quality lawnmower quality when he sees one.

* * * * *

March 27 , 2007 – LeBron is re-building the Death Star in Ohio – Yahoo! Sports

LeBron's huge castle

What do you do when an 11 bedroom house is simply not an adequate physical manifestion of your apprent grandeur? You tear it down and build a better one, of course. Just as theLouis XIV had Versailles and Michael Jackson had the Neverland Ranch, King James I will soon have a suitable castle in which to reside. In one fell swoop, LeBron will single-handedly triple the value of Ohio’s real estate market, alter the gravitational characteristics of the earth, and put Imeda Marco’s luxurious walk-in closet to shame.

35,440 square feet, a master bedroom larger than half of the houses in the affluent neighborhood, a barber shop, a bowling alley (to keep it real), and a casino – wow. LeBron has burst onto the obnoxious celebrity mansion scene with aplomb.

Even though his mansion (for lack of a better word) hasn’t been completed yet, it has already started to piss off the neighbors:

“People who come to photograph it are disrespectful,” said Tom Bader, one of nine immediate next-door neighbors. “They park their car in the middle of the street – with their doors open! And you’re sitting behind them! All I wanna do is go home after a hard day’s work.”

How the fuck does a single house have nine next-door neighbors? I shudder to think how hectic the neighborhood is going to be on casino night. Poor ultra-rich neighbors…

Alright, so we know the house is big. But how does LeBron’s new house stack up to the competition? Let’s take a look at the stats:

  • The Pentagon: 6,500,000 square feet
  • Buckingham Palace: 830,000 square feet
  • Versailles Palace: 551,000 square feet
  • Bill Gates’ super high-tech mansion: 66,000 square feet
  • The White House: 55,000 square feet
  • LeBron’s Bath Township Castle: 35,000 square feet
  • Michael Jordan’s mansion: 25,000 square feet
  • Warren Buffet’s totally lame house: 6,000 square feet
  • The Olson Twin’s NYC dorm room: 5,750 square feet (LeBron clearly beats the Olsen Twins in this competition)
  • Average American home: 2,000 square feet

While LeBron’s obnoxious house is quite obnoxious, he still has a long way to go to compete with the truly obnoxious big boys.

* * * * *

March 20 , 2007 – LeBron’s love affair with old, billionaire crackers continues – Yahoo! Sports

Warren Buffet and LeBron are getting closer by the day. In the latest development, the rickety-ass billionaire attended a Cavs game wearing a “Witness” T-shirt.

“He’s terrific,” Buffett said. “I just want to be partners with him. He can probably buy the whole place.”

Following Cleveland’s 105-93 loss, James said he was happy to see Buffett.

“It was exciting that he came out, got out of his work clothes and put a “Witness” T-shirt on,” James said.

How cute.

* * * * *

February 16 , 2007 – LeBron is no T-Mac – 2007 All-Star Game

Although I wasn’t able to find photographic or video documentation on the interwebs (surprise), LeBron totally *ate* it attempting an off-the-glass self-alley-oop in the all-star game. If you are going to try something obnoxious like that with a bunch of superstars on the court, you better make it. Wasn’t even close. Keep that ugly shit in warms-ups where it belongs.

Watch and learn, LeBron – this is how you do it:

BAM.

* * * * *

February 9, 2007 – LeBron doesn’t trust the gays – cbssportsline.com

LeBron doesn’t think an openly gay player would make it in the NBA.

And he doesn’t trust a closeted gay player:

“With teammates you have to be trustworthy, and if you’re gay and you’re not admitting that you are, then you are not trustworthy,” James said.

I bet that’s the last time LeBron handlers let him out of their sight for a while. Of course, he’s granted a free pass by pretty much everybody on the fiasco, so it didn’t really matter. Some jerks even gave his quotes a positive spin. Amazing. That’s to be expected, though.

Whatever.

Keeping LeBron’s feeling on gays in mind, consider this shocking photo spread I have uncovered from LeBron’s mysterious past:

LeBron James graces the cover of Parade Magazine

Whoa! I think LeBron has a little explaining to do to his teammates!

If that’s not gay, then my name is not Bernard G. Watkins, Jr.

* * * * *

December 17 , 2006 – LeBron is tired…wah, wah, wah – mercurynews.com (originally from the Akron Bee Journal, of course)

Yet again, the shameless excuse-making for LeBron continues in the media (if the Akron Bee Journal counts as “the media”). In this article, some dork recycles the tired-ass “LeBron is exhausted from the World Championships” argument to explain away LeBron’s late-game slowdowns. Dude, it’s DECEMBER. How the hell can anyone still cling to this lame excuse? The World Championships were last summer, a-hole. If I ever win the lottery, I’m shutting down the Akron Bee Journal and/or putting this reporter on the Ohio farm news beat.

* * * * *

November 28 , 2006 – LeBron bravely defends the weak and helpless, human rights – espn.com

If by “weak and helpless,” you mean:

Ben Wallace is tough as nails

…and if by “human rights,” you mean “the right to wear a headband.”

* * * * *

October 1 , 2006 – LeBron on the Daily Show – usatoday.com

Not content with parading him in front of the Letterman crowd, LeBron’s agent scored LeBron an appearance on the Daily Show. I actually did watch this one, because I thought LeBron might be tricked into making an ass out of himself by Jon Stewart’s “quick wit.”. Unfortunately, it was some scripted LeBron-glorifying bullshit. I’m sure it was worse than Letterman. LeBron got the full-on Oprah Winfrey treatment from Jon Stewart. How does it feel to be a shameless celebrity shill, Jon? I remember when your show didn’t suck. Barely. Good thing Stephen Colbert isn’t a pussy yet.

Of course, LeBron took the opportunity to brag on himself:

Stewart asked James if anything — even kryptonite — could stop him.

“At this point I’m not sure anything can stop me,” James said.

* * * * *

September 21 , 2006 – LeBron does Letterman, has milkshakes with a billionaire – espn.com

Wow. So LeBron made an appearance on the Letterman show. It was bound to happen. I didn’t watch it because I’m sure it would have pissed me off. It probably went a little something like this:

Dave: My cock is so hot for you right now…

LeBron: Of course it is.

Dave: It really is.

LeBron: I can dunk.

If you really give a crap, you can watch it here.

Apparently, in the same week that LeBron appeared on Letterman, he advanced his efforts to become the world’s richest man by power-lunching with super-ultra-mega-evil capitalist Warren Buffet. LeBron, remember how you came from the inner city? Well, jerks like Buffet *built* the inner city, you sellout.

Best part of the lunch? Warren Buffet wore a Cavs jersey with his own name on the back. What a conceited jerk.

* * * * *

September 1 , 2006 – LeBron and Team USA somehow manage to lose to Greece, bungle the entire World Championships – espn.com

Team USA blew it once again, disgracing our country in front of a whole slew of much, much crappier countries.

After being named tri-captian of Team USA (WTF!?) in one of the most colossally pathetic ego-coddling exercises of all time, LeBron “led” team USA to a humiliating defeat to Greece, a country with only one player over 5′ 2″. I don’t think anybody saw that one coming. We lost to the Greeks? Really? They grow olives. That’s pretty much it. There are more people in New York City than in the entire country of Greece. I bet the average Greek kid hasn’t even touched a basketball in his entire life. You know what he has touched? Olives. Lots of ’em. And maybe some grapes.

The whole team obviously deserves some of the blame for embarrassing our country in front of the world, but LeBron, as tri-captain, must assume at least 1/3 of it. LeBron certainly wasn’t the scoring juggernaut he is in the NBA. Hmm…maybe the US should lobby to get international championships staffed with more US referees. That might give us a chance. It was pretty clear from the tournament that Carmelo Anthony was the real captain of the team, with LeBron lingering somewhere on the periphery behind ‘Melo and D. Wade with jokers like Kirk Hinrich. And it’s not like Carmelo and Dwyane Wade were kicking that much ass themselves – neither one of them cracked the top five in scoring in the tournament. Impressive. By the way – good call cutting Gilbert Arenas, Coach K, you goddamned elf. Clearly, the team didn’t need him. Shane Battier? Good call. JJ Redick? Excellent choice. Guess what? Duke sucks.

In the end, Team USA bravely battled back, beating Argentina in the consolation round, earning the bronze. Spain absolutely destroyed Greece in the finals. Pau Gasol > LeBron James?

* * * * *

August 24, 2006 – LeBron James, the world’s first athlete billionaire – EURweb.com

Driven by an irrepressible, burning desire to finally surpass his arch nemeses (the Olsen twins) in the world of business, LeBron outlines his brilliant plan to become a billionaire to a bunch of journalists at the World Championships in Japan. Apparently, the key to becoming a billionaire is being really famous, going to Japan and China, and then continuing to be famous, only more famous than before.

“I say all the time, and I tell my friends and teammates, that you have to go global.  In basketball and business”

Forbes, you don’t know SHIT.

* * * * *

June 16, 2006 – LeBron can’t beat the Olsen twins – Forbes.com

LeBron is ranked a lowly 46 in the Forbes top 100 celebrities list. Totally WEAK. He’s right behind Andrew Lloyd Webber, the guy who wrote the ultra-creepy musical “Cats,” and Neil Diamond, the guy who wrote all the Monkees’ songs and stinking piles of singalong crap like “Sweet Caroline.” LeBron once said he wanted to be richest man alive. He’s not even doing too hot against his fellow celebrities. You have to beat out tougher dudes than Andrew Lloyd Webber to get anywhere near Bill Gates, LeBron. The Olsen twins are even kicking his ass. Was 90 million dollars at 18 not a big enough head start?

* * * * *

June 14, 2006 – There is a LeBron James comic book! – powerade.com

Holy crap. After reading these totally, totally sweet comics, all I can think about is guzzling as much Powerade as I can force down my gullet so I can be like Mike…errr…LeBron. Seriously, read these comics. I’m not a big fan of comics in general, but I’m sure most comics aren’t this incredibly lame.

Here are some of the more inspirational, hilarious, and/or ironic excerpts (this is priceless):

“Lebron (playing against some masked guy in a game of one-on-one in the rain): Like every cheater, you think that if no one’s around to call you on your fouling, double dribbling and traveling, that gives you an edge.

Bad Guy (as LeBron steals the ball from him): WHA!?

LeBron (as he reverse-jams it): But the reality is basketball is about skill and discipline. It’s about putting in the work and not taking the shady way out.”

Uh…hmmmm…LeBron better check himself.

It gets better:

“Description of panel: Victoria Ravenna, member the Hetairia, a mysterious group of power brokers manipulating everything from sports to TV to all aspects of our mass culture…

LeBron: How’d you find me?

Victoria: I make it my business to know where you are and what you’re doing, LeBron, particularly now as you defend the King of Basketball title.”

All I know is that if I were to make a totally sarcastic comic mocking LeBron James and the corporate world that has created him, it would look exactly like this one.

Hilarious.

Then, somehow, it gets even better! Keep in mind the King James Shooting Stars Classic and the King for Kids Bike-a-thon when you read this:

“LeBron (after beating the bad guy): Great game, man…

Reformed Bad Guy: Thanks King.

LeBron: Please, for anyone who respects the game, it’s LeBron, man, just LeBron.”

Clearly, Lebron does *not* respect the game.

So, in summary, WTF!? I swear the guys who created these comics must have been so mad that their bosses forced them to stoop down so low as to create third-rate comics about LeBron James that they decided to smear LeBron by writing dialogue consisting of nothing but sarcastic barbs aimed at him.

* * * * *

June 13, 2006 – JJ Redick pulls a Gloria James (only without the violence) – deadspin.com

Obviously, this has nothing to do with LeBron James. However, if you hate LeBron James, it’s very likely that you hate JJ Redick as well. Check this out if only to see the hilarious mugshot.

* * * * *

June 12, 2006 – to prove I’m not biased, here’s something LeBron has done that is good – CantonRep.com

So, basically, LeBron and some fellow NBA all-stars (Dwyane Wade, Gilbert Arenas, and Chris Paul) are going to ride with some kids unlucky enough to have been born in Ohio in the “King for Kids Bike-a-thon” to raise money for the YMCA and the Urban League. That’s nice of him. However, the real heroes of this bike-a-thon are the other NBA stars who are going to have to stomach LeBron’s conceited ass for an entire bike ride…nevertheless, I can’t argue with the inherent goodness of doing things for charity and giving money to kids and stuff. Go LeBron.

He even has a hilarious commercial…check it out here.

On a side note, is LeBron going to make a habit of referring to himself as “King” from now on in every possible situation? This is the second time (that I know about) that LeBron has named a charity-type event after himself using “King” instead of “LeBron.” Someone should tell LeBron that referring to himself with a self-aggrandizing nickname is not so humble. Sure, they call me Bernard D. Ladykiller at the bar, but you wouldn’t hear me referring to myself in that way.

-Bernard D. Ladykiller

* * * * *

June 9, 2006 – Introducing the KING JAMES Shooting Stars Classic – Cleveland Plain Dealer

Apparently, there’s something called the King James Shooting Stars Classic in Akron, Ohio. Sorry – the Papa John’s King James Shooting Stars Classic. It took place between April 28 and 30 and was sponsored by LeBron James and the Northeast Ohio Basketball Association. Oh yeah, and nasty-ass Papa John’s Pizza, as I mentioned earlier. Anyway, way to brag on yourself right there in the name of a basketball tournament, LeBron. Apparently, Lebron’s ever-growing ego needs an increasingly massive source of nourishment and Nike, Powerade, and every major sports media outlet aren’t feeding him enough…so he named a basketball tournament after himself using his “King James” moniker.

Apparently, when all was said and done, less than 300 people were willing to pay 30 bucks per game (WTF!?) to see a bunch of high-school kids play ball. It was pretty clear from the story that most of the audience members were college scouts. That must have a been a sight to behold – a bunch of wired, notepad-scribbling college scouts cramming into the front row of otherwise empty bleachers and frantically shuffling, standing, and stretching to get the best view of the game and sneak sideways glances at one another’s notes.

In other news, The House of the Lord Gym, one of the venues hosting games in the tournament, was renamed “The House of the Lord Gym.” Only now, it officially refers to LeBron James.

* * * * *

June 6, 2006 – LeBron is greatest, most exciting person ALIVE – si.com

Just when the basketball world was allowing itself to forget about LeBron for a second and focus on the players still in the playoffs, he was chosen as the #1 most exciting athlete by SI. Give me a break. Of course the jerks at Sports Illustrated picked LeBron out of all the athletes in the entire world. It doesn’t surprise me, I would have bet ten billion dollars and my life that they were going to pick him without even flinching. Still, it’s annoying. Hype, baby. As if he needed it.

* * * * *

June 5, 2006 – Boring-ass LeBron interview – ign.com

IGN, some site that is mostly about videogames, interviewed LeBron a couple of months ago. It’s boring.

Here is the most interesting moment from the interview:

“They’re like a Transformer. Remember the cartoon? You would have like five transformers and they would all come together to create one giant Transformer. That’s the Detroit Pistons, one big Transformer.”

Uh Lebron, by “transformer,” do you mean “voltron”? Get your cartoons straight.

Clearly, LeBron is one sophisticated dude. For some shocking reason that was not disclosed, the interviewer didn’t ask LeBron if he prefers pinot noir or cabernet sauvignon. This puzzled me, since LeBron was clearly of drinking age at the time of the interview and that’s the one question that is on everyone’s mind. Also, does he prefer haute cuisine or ultra-modern American contemporary? Burning questions for all of LeBron’s fans – totally left out. Shame on you, IGN. However, the interview does make it clear that LeBron loves videogames.

* * * * *

June 1, 2006 – Some guy compares Lebron to Tiger Woods – travelgolf.com

Just like all of the LeBron/Jordan comparisons out there, this LeBron/Tiger Woods comparison is weak. Are people so desperate to contribute another “_____ is the new so-and-so” to the mix that they have to start comparing NBA players to fucking *golfers*!? At least this guy writes for some golf site, so there was very little chance he was going to compare LeBron to Jordan and he kind of had to make the LeBron/Tiger comparison. But why did he even have to write anything about LeBron at all? Unfortunately, since LeBron news is slow now that he’s at home sitting on his ass, I have had to resort to commenting on lame stuff like this. Whatever.

One more thing – I could be wrong, but doesn’t Tiger Woods *win* stuff quite often? As in, like, always? Clearly, this is a totally flawed comparison.

* * * * *

May 26, 2006 – Chris Mannix – president of the LeBron James fanclub – si.com

Mannix is back!  A recent mailbag feature served as a perfect opportunity for this shameless sycophant to get back onto LeBron’s piece.

Before he gets into full-blown LeBron glorification, however, he stops for a second to call out the the NBA’s teams for failing to play physical defense against the stars – Kobe and LeBron in particular.  You’d think that his angle would be something like (the obvious)  “refs need to stop protecting stars”…but it’s not.  Mannix doesn’t even attempt to provide an explanation as to why this is the case because that would involve broaching the “Kobe and LeBron get all the calls” topic.  He just seems to imply that defensive players or coaches are too scared of raw talent to try and stop it.

Well I’ve got an explanation – and since it is pretty much the only one that makes any sense (since no team wants to lose in the playoffs, get embarrassed over and over again, etc.)  – I bet I’m right: THE REFS DON’T CALL CHARGING ON LEBRON, ASSHOLE.  Hmmm, unless the opposing team wants to pick up a foul every 48 seconds and finish the game with a reserve squad, they have to let LeBron go to the basket.  The refs pretty much necessitate it.  You can either give LeBron two and save a foul or rack up a foul and give him three.  That’s a fact.  He led the league in “and-ones.”   I can’t believe Mannix really thinks that the lack of defense against LeBron has anything to do with a lack of determination or bad coaching.  Does he really think a bunch of ego-maniacal NBA players are simply *letting* star players score on them in a league where reputation is almost as important as statistics?  What kind of twisted logic is this?  It’s just dumb.

Anyways, once Mannix gets this crap out of the way, he repeats the standard “LeBron has arrived” crap he’s all about these days:

[I didn’t used to wear LeBron James underoos…] But [now] I’m a convert. I’m a witness. James’ performance this postseason was remarkable, phenomenal — choose your superlative. He averaged 30.8 points…[blah, blah, blah]”

Booooooring.  And again, not a single word about how LeBron totally choked in the playoffs (see Skip Bayless’ article below).  He then compares LeBron to pre-Pippen Jordan.  Whoa!  What a revelation!  Nobody’s ever said that before!  Hey everybody, want to hear something novel?  LeBron is like the new Jordan!  The “Air Apparent” if you will!  Holy crap, Mannix can see things *no* other sportswriter can see!  Sports Illustrated should be thankful they’ve retained the services of this prophetic wise man.  I am getting so sick of these Jordan/LeBron comparisons.  Anyone can make them and they are boring as all hell.  Mannix – don’t quit your day job.  Oh wait, this *is* your day job.  LOSER.

* * * * *

May 24, 2006 – LeBron’s mom is a convicted drunk driver – nbc4i.com

Gloria James finally pleads guilty to drunken driving to spare Nike and LeBron the embarrassment of a trial after it became clear that the prosecutor was willing to go way overboard in order to nail her. She kind of made a mess of the whole thing – as if rolling around town dead-drunk wasn’t enough, she kicked out the back window of the police cruiser during her arrest. I’m going to say the same thing anyone says when a fantastically rich person gets convicted of drunk driving: where was the chauffeur?

* * * * *

May 24, 2006 – [insert played-out Dick Vitale exclamation here] – espn.com

Dick Vitale joins in the LeBron love-fest. As if he knows jack about anything outside of Duke basketball. He must be going out of his mind now that he hasn’t been able to lavish praise on Redick’s glorious stroke for a couple of months.

* * * * *

May 24, 2006 – Eddie Jordan is fined for merely telling the truth – msnbc.com

This is madness. The coach of the Wizards gets fined $25,000 for simply stating the truth? Call me crazy, but this shouldn’t be legal. I know I keep getting stuck on the “The Travel,” but it *was* a travel and it *did* ruin an entire game! The least the league could have done for totally fucking Eddie Jordan and the Wizards over was to let him complain about it a little bit. But nope, they had to add insult to injury and fine his ass. Did they ceremoniously present the 25 thousand bucks to King James along with some frankincense and myrrh?

Also, didn’t Mike Brown complain just as vocally when the refs decided to follow the rule book and actually call charging against LeBron? Where’s his fine? Maybe it’s coming, but I doubt it.

* * * * *

May 23, 2006 – LeBron to sign extension with the Cavs, maybe – hoopsvibe.com

LeBron says he is going to sign an extension and stay with Cavs.

Well, of course he is going to *say* that.

Somewhere, Isaiah Thomas is wondering if the Cavs would play ball for Steve Francis, Eddy Curry, Stephon Marbury, Jalen Rose, Quentin Richardson, Larry Brown, some old championship rings, and a bowling ball bag.

* * * * *

May 23, 2006 – Michael Wilbon embarrasses himself – washingtonpost.com

Michael Wilbon, Washington Post sports columnist and co-host of espn’s Pardon the Interruption, jumps right into the LeBron post-playoff elimination, making weird, forced comparisons to Jordan, apparently based on the fact that they both lost in a game 7 while putting up totally predictable numbers (for them):

“If you’re looking for extreme coincidences, or flat-out foreshadowing, consider this: When Michael Jordan lost the first Game 7 of his career, in 1989, he scored 31 points on 48 percent shooting, grabbed eight rebounds and lost by 19 points at The Palace of Auburn Hills. When James lost the first Game 7 of his career, Sunday, he scored 27 points on 46 percent shooting, grabbed eight rebounds and lost by 18 points at The Palace of Auburn Hills. Okay, cue the spooky music.”n of video games and ‘SportsCenter’ dunks.”

Wow, they both lost. That is spooky, Wilbon. You forgot that they wear the same number, too! And that they both play on the planet earth, on the same continent, and in the same country! Holy crap! Whatever. Not quite an “extreme” coincidence. Only their rebounding numbers were the same. Their scoring numbers, shot percentages, margins of defeat and basically every other statistic were different…”cue the spooky music” indeed!

I guess with getting his ass kicked by Kornheiser on PTI and all that, Wilbon figures that now is a good time to raise his profile even more by jumping on the LeBron bandwagon and working the loudspeaker. Also annoying: he uses the expression “Cleveland LeBrons.” He couldn’t be any lamer if he had a lazy eye and used “Booyah” in every other sentence.

Also, what happened to giving the home-team perspective? Remember when LeBron hosed your Wizards? You aren’t writing for the Akron Bee, jerk.

* * * * *

May 22, 2006 – News Flash! – si.com

So LeBron James’ next goal is to win a championship? No way! He wants to win it all? Of course he does, idiots. Every player does. Where’s the story on Carmelo Anthony’s goal of winning an NBA title? He is a young and promising new star with tons of potential, and he crashed out of the playoffs as well. Do a feature on that. Oh wait, Carmelo’s name doesn’t start with “Le” and end with “Bron James.”

* * * * *

May 22, 2006 – Best. Article. Ever. – espn.com

I can’t believe it! Skip Bayless goes against legions of LeBron worshippers and actually assigns LeBron the blame he deserves for the Cavaliers’ losses to the Pistons in games 6 and 7:

“When it really counted in Games 6 and 7 against a very good, but not great Pistons team, LeBron was a colossal disappointment. At around 6-foot-8 and 250 pounds, he came up small. He shrank under the pressure.” on of video games and ‘SportsCenter’ dunks.”

Skip must not be drinking the Kool-Aid. Or maybe Nike just hasn’t gotten to him yet.

Some rational thinking is going on here:

“…so far, LeBron’s name (and age) are all that save him from late-game criticism.

The truth is, he’s choking. ”

And here, on comparisons to Jordan and Magic:

“Off with the kid gloves.No more premature myth making…Let’s be honest: He isn’t even close…right now LeBron is still pretty much an overhyped creation of video games and ‘SportsCenter’ dunks.”

EXACTLY. Whereas most sportswriters bizarrely thought LeBron’s playoff performance demonstrated his ascension to the upper-echelon of the NBA’s greatest players, less emotional and more thoughtful observers note that LeBron’s playoff performance really shows that he clearly does not live up to his fantastically juiced-up reputation. You’d never know that reading 99% of the LeBron worship out there, which proves that the vast majority of sportswriters are still buying the legend – even adding to it – and ignoring the facts.

I love that somebody finally said what clearly needed to be said. Where did this article come from? And how come it’s the only one? And why isn’t Skip Bayless bound and gagged in the trunk of a 1987 Lincoln Town Car by now?

* * * * *

May 21, 2006 – LeBron gets all of the credit, none of the blame… – si.com (AP)

In this wonderful analysis of what went wrong with the Cavs’ playoff run, Chris Mannix places approximately 100% of the blame for the Cavs’ loss on Mike Brown’s lousing coaching and every non-LeBron on the court.  More of the same mindless, predictable nonsense sportswriters love to fall back on: talk up LeBron, talk down his team and his coach.  That way, if LeBron wins, it was the most amazing thing ever.  If he loses, his team sucks.

Of course, not a single goddamned reference was made to the fact that LeBron totally choked in the second half.  How can you talk about a series and not talk about the #1 superstar’s colossal fuckup in the decisive second half of a game 7?  You don’t give a crap about being an honest sportswriter, that’s how.  It’s easy, just start typing.  When you’re done, write “by Chris Mannix” at the bottom and then give it to your editor.

What happened to LeBron’s uncanny court vision when the Pistons brought double and triple-teams at him?  Instead of unleashing some kind of Magic-esque playmaking genius and burning the Pistons for leaving his teammates wide-open, LeBron took the bait, settled for jumpers, bricked the hell out of them, and lost the game.  That’s right.  LeBron lost the game and the series for his team.

You won’t hear Chris Mannix say that, though.

* * * * *

May 21, 2006 – LeBron Crashes out of the playoffs – si.com (AP)

GO CAVS!!!  It finally happened, it just took a couple more games than everybody thought it would.  James had an absolutely garbage second half. He had no threes in the entire game and didn’t manage a single point from the beginning of the second half until four-something remaining in the fourth, when the game was already over.  Clutch.  He totally disappeared.  At times, he was just hanging around the perimeter, just standing there, not even making an effort to join the play.  Hey Page 2 guys: history in the making?  Uh, no.

“We can’t hang our heads,” James said. “We were right there.”

Well, that’s what he said after the game.  But not only did he actually hang his head, while he was on the court, King James apparently didn’t have enough courage to shake hands with the Pistons after the game.  He practically ran into the locker room.  It’s easy to be a good sport when you win, isn’t it, LeBron?  Not so easy when you crash the fuck out of the playoffs with an anti-climactic, anti-MVP, anti-clutch second-half breakdown.

And LeBron, you actually weren’t right there.  You lost by 18.  You got shut down for the most important 24 minutes of the season.

By the way, want another reason to hate LeBron?:

“After a few hugs from family members, James, wearing a New York Yankees cap pulled down low over his eyes, left The Palace and the playoffs.”

A Yankees hat?  Of course he likes the Yankees.  All true Ohioans root for the Yankees.  What do you think about that, Cavs fans?  Dude has some nerve.

* * * * *

May 19, 2006 – Some dude named Bomani gets it all backwards on LeBron and Nike – espn.com

First of all, the guy’s name is Bomani.  That’s weird.  Anyways…

Apparently, espn.com’s Page 2 belongs to LeBron James.  This time, Bomani Jones writes a “special” to Page 2 – “The Birth of a Legend.”  I guess the tributes by Scoop Jackson and Bill Simmons weren’t adequate and so they brought in somebody else to give it a shot.  Bomani’s actually a very funny guy and the article is entertaining, apart from the standard “LeBron is the greatest ever, oh my god, I can’t believe it, holy cow, LeBron is a genius, I wish his team didn’t suck so bad, he’s the divine incarnation of athleticism, etc.” crap.  I’ve come to expect that, though, so whatever.

But the core assertion of the article, that Nike really called it when they locked up LeBron with millions of dollars, is what really pisses me off.  It is way off-base.  It completely and naively fails to understand that Nike made LeBron what he is more than LeBron made Nike right.  When they signed LeBron for $90 million dollars, do you think there was any chance that they wouldn’t find a way to make him what they needed him to be?  Do you know how many politicians can be bought for 1/100th of that?  Surely, the biggest marketing investment Nike has ever made will buy a nice little chunk of the NBA in order to carve out a comfy nest for LeBron to live in.  Nike would be stupid to not do everything in their power to protect that 90 million dollars (and that doesn’t even count how much they spend on his ads).  Anyone can see the nonstop media blitz has had an impact on the game and has given LeBron a vastly different experience than any other young player entering the NBA.  Even Jordan had to pay his dues before he was allowed to travel all over the place.  LeBron *already* gets to do that.  Imagine if Tracy McGrady were afforded the same luxuries granted to LeBron.  Same with Kobe Bryant – as much as I hate him, if he were *given* an entire team, *given* iron-clad status as the future of the NBA and possibly the greatest player ever, and *given* every single call right off the bat, it’d be hard to argue he wouldn’t have pulled the same crap LeBron is pulling now.

“LeBron has made Nike’s ad men seem like soothsayers.”

Soothsayers?  Or puppetmasters?

“Aided by his own corporately provided soundtrack, he’s become the face of the two months that could bring the NBA back to its glory days.

And if you love this game, you’re watching every minute of it.

Not just because Nike told you to. But because Nike is right.

We are witnesses. We’re watching history. And in a rare stroke of luck, we know it while it’s going on.”

Hey genius, how do we know that history is going on?  Because Nike and goofballs like you and Bill Simmons said we are.  Nike really did tell us to.  LeBron didn’t make history!  It’s just one guy and his team losing to a better team.  If Paul Pierce and the Celtics lost to the Pistons, would anybody call it historic?  Hell no.  Let me use more relevant and absurd examples.  There have been tons of great players that have *won* game sevens in these playoffs – so, when the Suns beat the Lakers in 7, would you say Steve Nash was making history?  When the Mavericks beat the Spurs in 7, was Dirk Novitski making history?  When the Sun beat the Clippers in 7, was Steve Nash making history for the second time this playoffs after getting the MVP in the regular season?

Bomani – you’re brainwashed, my friend.

* * * * *

May 19, 2006 – Cheating refs – espn.com

Marty Burns provides two specific examples of games the Cavs would have lost had the refs made the correct (and obvious) call:

“• LeBron James‘ game-winning layup against the Wizards with five seconds left in Game 3. The Cavs’ forward appeared to take an extra step as he made his move into the lane, and then maybe another as he landed. No call.

Anderson Varejao‘s apparent goaltending of a potential go-ahead layup late by Gilbert Arenas in Game 6. Varejao stuck his hand in the net as the ball was in the air, but the refs didn’t call it. The Wizards wound up losing in OT.”

Basically, he tacitly acknowledges that two obvious officiating screw-ups cost the Wizards two games.  Now, let’s perform some complicated mathematical calculations: add 2 wins to the Wizards and subtract 2 wins from the Cavs and what do you get?  Even reversing only those two obvious screw-ups (and leaving all of the other debatable pro-Cavs/LeBron calls that weren’t so obvious out of it), the Wizards should have won the series 4 games to 2.  But that’s not what happened, as we all know.

Of course, Marty Burns can’t just come out and flatly state that the refs ruined the series, which is the obvious truth (watch the replays – they don’t lie).  He gives some “Eastern Conference executive” a couple of quotes that amount to the played-out “refs are only human” and “there is way more scrutiny of the refs in close games” arguments.

Way to chicken out in trying to appear objective, Marty.  There’s nothing objective about giving some dumb played-out excuse-making arguments as much weight as the cold, hard facts.  Travel.  Goaltending.  Cavs lose.

* * * * *

May 9, 2006 – Bill Simmons gets totally caught up in the hype espn.com

Bill Simmons brazenly predicted an unforgettable and historic night for LeBron in game 6 of the Cavs/Pistons series.  Of course, as we all know, that game never happened and the Pistons won game 6 to take the series back to Detriot for game 7.  Did LeBron deliver a game later, and in more dramatic fashion?  Hell no.  Not only did the Cavs end up getting blown out, LeBron pulled a near-Kobe in game 7, pretty much disappearing in the second half.  The Cavs exit the playoffs with a whimper.  Good call, Bill.  Bill Simmons is becoming a George Bush-esque negative prognosticator – if he says one thing, believe the exact opposite is true or that the exact opposite will happen.  His Kobe over Nash for MVP story was completely discredited as Nash and the Suns mega-destroyed Kobe and the Lakers so badly in game 7 that Kobe basically checked out of the entire second half, totally abandoned his team, and looked about as un-MVP as a player can possibly look.  Of course, Bill immediately gave up on the Kobe-for-MVP angle (that was fickle of him) and immediately jumped on LeBron’s bandwagon (in case he upset the Pistons?) for MVP in a follow-up mailbag – something to the effect of, “I should have picked LeBron.”  Of course, LeBron James was the victim of a similar second half meltdown in game 7.  Who is Bill Simmons going to cheerlead for now?  Dwyane Wade?  Steve Nash (*gasp*)?  He needs to make a decision before the next round starts so I can make my bets in Vegas…

Bill Simmons used to be a (some-time) skeptical observer of LeBron, as evidenced by his (now-locked by ESPN, thanks) article about LeBron’s super-selfish performance during the all-star game (which earned him the game MVP, of course):

“Meanwhile, someone whose passing skills were once compared to Magic Johnson (LeBron) hogged the ball for four straight quarters, ignored wide-open teammates multiple times, took at least 10 horrible shots … and ended up winning the MVP. Good times.”

Obviously and unfortunately, Bill, like so many other sportwriters (99.4% of them?) is mega-prone to hero-worship in the worst kind of way (again, read that “Kobe for MVP” article if you can find it – I think Bill begged espn.com to remove it from the site).  Bottom line – Bill has fallen head-over-heels in love with LeBron and his crazy prediction of an all-time performance proves it.

The worst thing about Bill Simmons is that he can obviously see through the haze of propaganda from time to time and still shamelessly joins in the LeBron love-fest.

How can anyone that writes this:

“…between the playoff sneer, the playoff beard and the fingernail chewing, he’s inadvertently submarining his own coolness…”

“how could someone who’s so prodigiously talented offensively stink so much defensively? Did you see Arenas’ go-ahead layup in the final minute of overtime? Only LeBron was back on defense, so Arenas put his head down and went right to the rim because he knew LeBron couldn’t stop him. LeBron never even challenged the shot — and it’s not even an effort thing, more of an instinctual thing…”

…say this:

“[I want to have] LeBron [’s babies] and [suckle each and every one of them with my hormone-injection-grown breasts]”

and:

“I think he finishes off Detroit….I think this will be one of those rare games when you know something momentous is happening as you’re watching, even though it’s not finished happening yet. I think tonight becomes his version of MJ’s 63-point game in the Boston Garden, Springsteen’s “Born to Run” album, Ali’s KO over Liston, Pacino’s scene in Louis’ Restaurant, Tiger’s minus-18 in Augusta. I think the Pistons walk off the court in a fog, wondering what the hell just happened. I think nothing in the NBA will be the same for another 12-15 years.”

???

* * * * *

May 9, 2006 – “The Travel”…Exhibit A of the league’s preferential treatment of LeBron – si.com

Frank Deford says what everybody knows is true but refuses to officially admit – that LeBron receives special treatment.  I am so sick and tired of the TV commentators and sportswriters labeling anyone who dares accuse the refs of favoritism a sore loser or a conspiracy theorist.  It happens, period.  Watch the replays.  The Wizards lost a game because of an atrocious call.  A playoff game.  That is a stone-cold fact.  At least somebody finally has the guts to plainly state in print that this crap goes down as a routine part of the NBA and that it *does* change the outcome of games.

LeBron’s game-winning travel, more than any other moment, defines LeBron as a player.  It was a perfect metaphor for the entire existence of such an artificially elevated superstar – he has his first glorious moment in the NBA and it is a lie, a fabrication, an illusion.  That travesty may have looked legit to LeBron’s drunk-ass mom and Jeff van Gundy – but to any semi-objective observer with a rudimentary knowledge of basketball rules, that play was a joke.  When that ref didn’t blow that whistle and essentially handed the Cavaliers the game, the momentum, and possibly the entire series, we were all witnesses to the league shamelessly cramming a false idol down our throats.  Instead of LeBron failing to even get off a shot because of an obvious travel and looking like a chump (instead of the future of the NBA), the basket counted and LeBron was held up as Mr. McUltra-Clutch Hero Jordan Junior.

Frank Deford said it perfectly:

“Alas, it was also patently clear that James was able to make the basket because he indisputably walked with the ball. But the precocious Cavalier has tacitly been accorded exalted status, and is granted dispensation. He has fully arrived, in the company of Kobe Bryant — and they in the tradition of all the great NBA stars who have gotten by with a walk and a wink.”

I can’t wait for ten more years of this shit…

At the end of the article, Frank Deford practically predicts the outcome of the Pistons/Cavs series:

“…basketball remains foremost an ensemble game — which is why teams that are unglamorous but more unselfish usually win in the end. Teamwork is still the real beauty of the sport.”

Let’s hope the Pistons of the NBA keep beating the LeBrons of the NBA…

* * * * *

May 9, 2006 – Explaining away LeBron’s losing – espn.com

Scoop Jackson, incapable of doing anything besides praising LeBron to the heavens these days, describes how LeBron simply *needs* to lose the playoff series against the Pistons as if it’s some kind of required stop on the path to glory.  Of course, theoretically, it could be said of any player in the league that they should learn from their mistakes in order to become a better player.  Scoop takes it way too far – this mess is obviously an attempt to pre-explain away LeBron’s inevitable loss to the Pistons in a way that shields LeBron’s “Golden Child” status from the tarnishing effects of failure.  I’m sorry, would *not* choking and *not* laying a big ‘ole goose-egg in the second half of a big game harm the development of LeBron’s career?  How many other players’ failure are given this kind of positive spin?  If I was a sportswriter, I would write a story about how Chris Weber’s 12 consecutive seasons without a championship were really just necessary stops on his larger journey to achieve NBA supremacy in 2009.  Give me a break.

Nevertheless, all of this seems besides the point, because, as Scoop Jackson has already observed, “[it’s totally, totally awesome and it makes me totally, totally hot that LeBron] became the best player in the game this soon.”  If he can become the best player in the game by not really accomplishing anything in his first three seasons, why can’t he become the greatest player ever by not accomplishing anything in his entire career?  Maybe that’s Scoop’s angle, I don’t know.  Call me crazy, but *perhaps* someone else deserves the title of “best player in the game” right now…

The man has lost perspective.  Don’t believe me?  Would you ever write or say something this ridiculous?:

“Just watch. Witness.

See, all of LeBron James’ life, God has had a plan for him. And one of the most difficult things for God to do, especially for those to whom he’s given /so much/ talent, is to take things away from them to keep them hungry. To shape their souls.”

Holy crap, Scoop.

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