ihatelebronjames.com

(NOTE: I wrote this crap a long time ago - at the very moment my intense hatred for LeBron was born.  Yes, some of it is out of date.  Most of it isn’t.  No, I’ll never get around to changing it.  Yes, I am lazy.)

We are all witnesses…

…to the bullshit.

Why does this site exist?  Simple: because I hate LeBron James.  I hate him for many reasons - some within his control, some outside of his control.  However, ultimately, he is the one most responsible for what he has become: a complete monstrosity.  So I focus my hatred on him.  I hate LeBron James.

LeBron James has been the most hyped sports figure, possibly the most hyped human being, in the history of civilization.  Think about how ridiculous that is.  Nike conspired with a bunch of cracker-ass suburban teenagers, Stuart Scott, and thousands of sweatshop factory owners in Southeast Asia to create a GOD out of a kid who bounces an orange ball off of a wooden floor.  And most of this transpired before he even played in a single NBA game, let alone before he made his first playoff game-winning shot with the help of an unconscionable travesty of a five step, triple pivot foot travel.

I didn’t start out hating on LeBron.  When he first came into the league, I decided that it wasn’t his fault a bunch of goons had decided to invest millions and millions of dollars in him and turn ESPN into a scientology-esque brainwashing mechanism to pump him up.  I gave him a fair shake.  But ever since the Cavs lifted themselves out of the basement and into relevancy, and I actually had to see LeBron play in some games of consequence, I realized that I just can’t stand the pompous jerk he has become. The real LeBron is an entirely different creature than the LeBron filtered through Sportscenter, stories written by spineless sportswriters with massive LeBoners, and super-overwrought Nike commercials.  Bottom line: LeBron is a cheater.  Charging?  Not Lebron.  If they consistently call him for charging in one game, he whines during and after the game, and the calls abruptly stop.  Remember Kobe’s “the charge/dunk” on Steve Nash?  LeBron did the same thing, only more obvious, and of course it was completely overlooked during the in-game and post-game analyses.  And “The Travel” game-winner?  What a joke.  And, as both the Wizards and Pistons series proved, it is pretty clear that nobody calls fouls on the Cavs at the end of close games.  Did I just see a foul on Gilbert Arenas?  Rip Hamilton?  Rasheed Wallace?  Nope.  Of *course* not.

And the announcers?  If I couldn’t actually hear them clapping their hands like little schoolgirls every time LeBron touches the ball, I would swear they were gently cradling LeBron’s nut sack with them.  And all of this is LeBron’s fault.  He loves it and feeds it with a steady diet of overexposure, mega-annoying antics, and transparent displays of false humility.  However, despite Nike’s legion of handlers and PR guys, LeBron’s false modesty has fallen away, exposing him for the pampered, ultra-conceited, ref-coddled little punk that he is.  He relishes in the circus of bullshit like a spoiled little brat.  The talcum powder clap thing?  The whining and scowling when he is clearly allowed to travel, charge, and bumble his way to the basket on every play?  Talking trash when he knows damn well that he wins games because of 1972 Olympics vs. the Russians-style bullshit?  Yeah, he had his “the mailman doesn’t deliver on Sundays” moment.  But it was pathetic and tacky, not ballsy.

What does all this mean?  Mark my words: LeBron James will be the one to finally ruin the NBA.

Throughout the ages, many assholes have tried to destroy professional basketball…but they have all fallen just short.  Some were great players, some were huge jerks, most were a combination of the two.  Wilt Chamberlain: too powerful.  Michael Jordan: too good.  Shaq: too much of a freak.  Kobe: the Gumby fade (oh, and he might have done a couple of other things…). Scottie Pippen: never tipped a waitress in his life.  Harold Miner: just plain sucked.  None of these guys forced fans to totally write off professional basketball.  But none of these guys had enough nicknames to get the job done, did they?.  LeBron “Golden Child, LeBronze, Chosen One, ‘Air’ Apparent, Bill Brasky, King” James will succeed where they failed.

Does anyone really think that a player already christened as the greatest player ever by dozens of prominent sportswriters won’t be fellated by the media so as not to render all of their “greatest player ever” predictions invalid?   Does anyone really think that the player unanimously decreed to be the future of the NBA before he played a single game, and who is the foundation of Nike’s biggest marketing campaign ever, won’t be shamelessly protected by the refs?  If LeBron ever does win an NBA title, it will have at least as much to do with the 8,000 foot Nike poster plastered on the side of the moon as it has to do with his skills.

So, in summary, I hate LeBron James with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns.  So should you.  And by the way, Cavs fans, you’re a bunch of punks.  I hope you cry when LeBron ditches you for  the bright lights of New York.  I’m glad Jordan made that one shot on Craig Ehlo and then almost punched his head off.  You deserved it.  I might feel sorry for you after you have repented and you begin to hate the Knicks or the Nets or whatever franchise steals your star.  Cause he’s not yours for long.