ElBron James

19 Apr

Here we go again. Again. Again. Again. Again, again, again. Again and again and yet again. The Wizards are living and reliving the same torturous hell for the third year running. Groundhog day combined with the twilight zone and a Nike commercial, narrated by the world’s most annoying PA announcer.

What do we have here? Let’s see:

LeBron throwing elbows in the playoffs with impunity: LeBron James is a goat - CHECK

LeBron shamelessly whining, retaliating, crying, and bullying:LeBron James is a goat - CHECK

Mike Brown being a completely hypocritical doofus:LeBron James is a goat - CHECK

TV announcers constantly making excuses for LeBron the moment it appears he is faltering (“he has a bad back”), ignoring his unconscionable turnovers and vicious fouls, praising him to the high heavens the moment he does anything good: LeBron James is a goat - CHECK

Outrageous travelling: superfucking LeBron James is a goat - CHECK

And, of course, refs shamelessly applying one set of rules for the Cavs, and an entirely different set of rules for the Wizards: LeBron James is a goat - CHECK

To use a clearcut example of this bullshit from game 1, and one that is clearly documented on film and not at all debatable, I will contrast Andre Blatche’s rough foul on LeBron with LeBron’s retaliatory elbow and the reaction from the refs in both cases.

Blatche’s hard foul was probably intentionally aimed at LeBron and not at the ball. I’ll assume that for the sake of argument. Blatche’s blocking arm definitely whacked LeBron on the shoudler/neck/chest area. It happened during the course of a block while LeBron was driving to the basket – certainly a routine play on the ball and a common occurence in the NBA, playoffs or not. Blatche is called for the foul. Totally reasonable as it was clearly a foul. LeBron tears up a little, as is pretty standard, and throws a hissy fit. Whatever. Normal stuff.

But what happens next is absolutley amazing.

A few minutes later, LeBron is fouled close to the basket and a defensive foul is called. I think it was a reach-in or something. Immediately after the whistle, LeBron, who is facing Blatch at this point, basically winds up and delivers an elbow directly to Blatche’s face. Not the Bill Lambeer kind of elbow you throw when you’re backing someone down, either. LeBron was facing Blatche. He had to extend his arm forward and reach out and up towards Blatche to pull off this elbow. It was an attack, basically. Reaction from the refs: nothing. No tech, no verbal reprimand. Not even a disapproving stare.

That actually happened. Watch it for yourself. Now consider this: if DeShawn Stevenson delivered a dirty elbow to LeBron’s ugly mug, the NBA would have Stevenson sewing up LeBron James signature New York Yankees Tribute Nikes in Taiwan in the blink of an eye. NO reasonable person can possible come to LeBron’s defense in this situation. Asshole Cavs fans, yes. Reasonable, sensible human beings, no. As has been demonstrated many, many times, LeBron is a total jerk. Like a teenage kid running wild without a father figure to lower the boom when appropriate, LeBron has been so spoiled and coddled by the ineffective parenting of the NBA, that he is now officially (and predictably) an out-of-control monster.

Blatche’s reaction to an elbow smashing into his face: he slowly leans back, makes a funny “are you fucking serious?” kind of face, and just lets it go.

LeBron’s reaction: Honestly, I have no idea, as I was seeing red, jumping up and down, and pouring myself another bourbon within two milleseconds. Bet it was some taunting bullshit.

Mike Brown’s reaction: “I don’t know if he did it or not,” or some other such obvious bullshit. Really? Because you have the game tape, TNT has the game tape, sportscenter has the game tape, and youtube has the gametape. And you were there, probably less than 25 feet away. And since you are the coach, and LeBron had the ball at the time, I’m guessing you were watching.

So, let’s recap: LeBron, hard-fouled in a playoff game, enraged that a lesser player would dare to foul him in such a manner in a playoff game, is completely unable to maintain his cool – even minutes later – and smashes the opposing player in the face. In start contrast, Blatche, who came to the NBA right out of highschool, was shot in the hand during a carjacking during his rookie year, and got busted by the cops soliciting a prostitute the following year, is somehow mature enough to keep his cool when the biggest asshole he’s ever played against delivers a power elbow to his face.

Of course, in addition to all of this, there was the bullshit fight LeBron started with Brendan Haywood. Result: two Wizards technicals (Haywood and Jamison), only one for the Cavs (LeBron).

I’m not even going to get into the ridiculous charges and travels LeBron gets away with, because it’s just plain obvious.

The TV announcers’ talking points during the game (hand delivered by David Stern, no doubt):

– LeBron struggles through hard fouls, a back injury, and personal insults, carrying an incompetent group of bumbling clowns to VICTORY!
– King James is awesome
– Th Chosen One is Jordanesque
– The Wizards are jerks, Gilbert Arenas is a jerk, DeShawn Stevenson is a jerk
– LeBron is *NOT* overrated, in fact, he is *underrated* (one of the TV announcers actually said this during the game, by the way)


– LeBron is a big jerk and a cheater
– LeBron pouts and throws temper tantrums like a two year-old when he doesn’t get his way
– LeBron cries/tears up a lot on the court
– LeBron is not even remotely Jordanesque, as Jordan was a six-time finals MVP
– LeBron, since I’m pretty sure he isn’t the real king of anything or an actual god, is obviously overrated

I will demonstrate true cosmic reality of LeBron’s existence with a simple mathematical equation:

LeBron + Nike + NBA + pussy-ass sycophant announcers + LeBron-coddling zebras + money + ESPN = heaping helpings of intolerable bullshit.

Also, I would like say a few things about the DeShawn Stevenson/LeBron fued the announcers kept harping on every five or six seconds.

First, DeShawn Stevenson was reacting to something LeBron said about him as relayed by Drew Gooden. So LeBron started it. Of course, this is glossed over.

Second, LeBron’s comeback is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. To summarize (and paraphrase, cause I don’t feel like looking this crap up):

DeShawn Stevenson: “LeBron is overrated”

LeBron, when asked about what he would like to say to Stevenson: “I don’t respond to personal attacks. It would be like if some awesome rapper (Jay Z) were to respond to an insult by some lesser-known rapper (Soulja Boy).”

Okay, do you notice anything wrong with this nonsense? First of all, LeBron tries to claim that he’s above all this personal insult crap, when in fact he was the one that started it all. But here is where LeBron looks like a total goat – what LeBron told that reporter was a response to Stevenson, so he contradicts himself right off the bat. Apparently he’s not too good to respond to Stevenson. Not only that, it contained an insult (“I’m so much better than Stevenson that I can’t even honor him with a retort”). Irony, doofus. EYE-RUN-EE.

Of course, nobody called him out on his faulty logic or the absurdity of the whole situation. Instead, they chose to spin it as “look how mature young LeBron is!” I don’t completely blame them for letting it go, however…you never know when LeBron might smash his massive and powerful forearm directly into your face.


2 Responses to “ElBron James”

  1. jim March 13, 2010 at 3:56 am #


  2. I love LBJ May 12, 2010 at 11:55 pm #


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