Premature LeJackulation…

10 Jun

Sportswriters are such jerkoffs.  Here’s a wonderful case-study, courtesy of ESPN – Rick Reilly. Embolded by the Heat’s game 3 win, I guess, Rick Reilly mustered up enough courage to write a shameless ass-kissing piece on The Chosen One.  Pretty nauseating stuff. Here’s the best part:

Eventually, LeBron James is going to win enough rings to start a pawn shop. He may win them by scoring like Wilt. He may win them by passing like Magic. He may win them by defending like Russell. What’s your point? Aren’t they all shiny?

Way to go out on a limb, Rick. At the time, this looked like the safest of safe calls and therefore this column, at best, was a bunch of front-running shit. Turns out that limb was flimsier than it looked. Very flimsy as the last few games have demonstrated.

So what does a sportswriter do when his big fucking deal of a column has been completely invalidated and he’s too pussy to own up to it? Rick Reilly has been writing about sports long enough to know what to do. There’s a guidebook on the entire process:

First, only have strong opinions when it seems to be safe (naturally).

Second, just in case you might be wrong, make sure that every article you ever write contains a bunch of weaselly cop-outs and qualifiers such as:

It tastes like Drano in my mouth, but I’ve got to say it: The Miami Heat are pulling off one of the greatest I Told You So’s in the history of American sports.

and…

I’m the last guy that wants to write a glowing column about LeBron James.

Third, kinda pretend to be pulling for the other team from time to time. This gives the kinda appearance of kinda being objective in your sportswritings.

And finally, and this is *critical* – when you are busted, follow-up with a bullshit puff piece that has no substantive value whatsoever. Even if this piece drops at the most critical point possible in the playoffs of the sport you are covering and seems wildly inappropriate. It will serve as a crude yet effective distraction.

I’ve seen this same old shit so many times. I caught that jerkoff Bill Simmons doing the same thing years ago during one of LeBron’s first playoff runs (his piece was so bad ESPN removed it from their archives). And I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure that award-winning journalist Rick Reilly goes the puff piece route on a regular basis.

Here’s the beauty of this whole system – if the Heat end up winning it all, Rick can pick up right where he left off, take credit, and maybe even win another one of those ultra-prestigious sportswriting awards.

Sports…what a job.

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5 Responses to “Premature LeJackulation…”

  1. GARY JAMES June 10, 2011 at 11:26 pm #

    LeFINQuitter SUCKS!!! Hopefully he will keep up his SUCK PERFORMANCE LIKE HE DID IN CLEVELAND. Wats up with Bosch?? He’s one UGLY MF…

  2. mamopo360 June 13, 2011 at 8:46 pm #

    i’m thinking about making my own t-shirt… “check my comments”. not wrong about a single one. this guy is a destined loser. he thinks he’s different than all that came before him. he is not. only when he realizes that this is a team game and five must survive… not three, will he be successful. he doesnt need a life coach, he needs morals and charisma. i can only hope he reads this and realizes how stupid he is. people are rejoicing in his shortness not because they want to, but because they value the game of basketball for what it is and always has been. he is not the victim as he so accuretely portrays, but a testament to the game of basketball. wake up fag, and smell the trophy. it should take about a week for the scent to travel to miami from dallas… suck it

  3. greg June 14, 2011 at 1:58 am #

    I guess there is no need for this website anymore, as the entire internet has become ihatelebronjames.com. Your websight was ahead of its time. Good Work.

  4. Ryan June 17, 2011 at 2:12 am #

    update your site bro lots has happened since this cocksucker fucked up game 4

  5. Kevin July 12, 2011 at 9:12 pm #

    just saw thsi shirt the other day… pretty much says what i’m thinking, except less vulgar. http://www.donkeyts.com/design/997+LUCK+FEBRON+funny+cleveland+basketball+Shirt#

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