Happy Trails, Crybaby

18 May

LeBron is eliminated by the CelticsHa Ha!

Ha Ha!

0:25

LeBron James misses 5-foot jumper

88-91

0:16

LeBron James misses free throw 1 of 2

88-93

0:05

LeBron James misses 26-foot three point jumper

92-97

Game 7 was vintage LeBron James. A bunch of stat-whoring followed by an abysmal failure to come through in the clutch.

This is a stone-cold fact, all you LeBron homers out there – with the game in his hands, LeBron blew it. If LeBron made the 6 points above instead of bricking them, the Cavs would have won the game. That’s it.

The only shot taken by another Cavalier in the last 30 seconds was a three-pointer by Pavlovic – and he nailed it, so it wasn’t the weakness of the supporting cast that did the Cavs in. 38 year-old PJ Brown came off the *couch* to make all three of his fourth quarter shots to finish out the game for the Celtics. If you aren’t as clutch as PJ Brown, do you deserve the title of “King” (even of Ohio)? Have you earned the right to refer to yourself in the third person? Nope.

On to LeBron’s final game of the season. Obviously he scored a bunch of points. Obviously Paul Pierce scored a bunch of points. Whatever. What struck me most about the game is how unbelievably transparent LeBron’s strategy is, especially in big games. He’s the snot-nosed kid who reverts to the same cheesy supermove to win at a video game over and over again.

Here’s a step-by-step description of LeBron’s “how to win at basketball” system:

Step 1 – Try to make a few jumpers with no regard to how off-balance or forced the shots may be. Also, do not take into account how well-defended you are. You are the Chosen One and you are immune from all implications of the phrase “shot selection.” Proceed to step 2.

Step 2 – If jump shots are going in, repeat step 1. If jump shots are clanging off of the iron, go to step 3.

Step 3 – Employ the invincible “bull charge” supermove! Begin putting your head down and driving to the hoop on every possession, taking advantage of the knowledge that even obvious travels and charges will be ignored by refs. Occasionally dish the ball to a wide-open teammate whilst driving to the hoop, getting credit for “creating” with “brilliant passing.” If you are having trouble hitting layups because there are 800 pounds worth of centers and forwards standing in the lane, go to step 4, you might be playing against what they call a “defense.”

Step 4 – Cry and pout every time an opposing player lays a finger on you, grease the refs, and rack up free throws. This should negate “defense.” *

Step 5 – If a comfortable lead is gained at any point during the game, go back to step 1 if desired. However, if the game is close in the fourth quarter, lock into step 3. If you are getting blown out, commence stat-whoring by an means necessary.

*this strategy may be used in conjunction with any other strategy at any time

My friends, I have watched enough LeBron James playoff games to know that he pulls this crap every single game. LeBron’s ability to rack up points is only limited to how badly he is willing to abuse this tried-and-true system. I think we’re almost (but not quite) to the point where LeBron has worn out his welcome with this bullshit. Eventually, commentators are going to tire of bailing him out every night. For shit’s sake, LeBron had five terrible games in a row against the Celtics but still received overwhelmingly favorable coverage. At some point, shills like Jeff van Gundy are going to have to seriously consider that even ESPN’s core demographic – brainwashed moron kids – might lose respect for them. What remains of their credibility is at stake. Selfish motives are going to kick in at some point if these announcers ever want to land another head coaching job. Non-Cleveland crowds are totally sick of LeBron, that’s clear. In Boston, LeBron even got a strong “bullshit” chant from the crowd that went on for 5 minutes and was easily audible on national television. And you know the network’s sound guys were trying to suppress it the entire time. In order for such a strong chant to get going, moms, dads, grandmothers, and little kids must have been joining in. Hilarious.

Worst part of the game? LeBron’s eye rake on Paul Pierce. Wow. LeBron even had the nerve to throw a hissy fit over it, even though the whole thing was confirmed by replay. Eye rakes? For real? That’s some dirty Rowdy Roddy Piper bullshit. What a jerk.

No matter. All is well that ends well. It’s game over for LeBron and his circus of bullshit.

One more time:

LeBron is eliminated by the CelticsHa Ha!

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7 Responses to “Happy Trails, Crybaby”

  1. Jim Omalley December 17, 2008 at 3:52 am #

    I live in Cleveland and can’t stand Lebron.Everyone I talk to..including the local media…just love Lebron,and doesn’t want to hear any negativity about him,much less the fact that he’s going to bolt from Cleveland,flipping off the fans in his wake.

    I keep trying to speak the truth about this SOB of a basketball player.I hated the fact that he came out of high school,and went straight to the NBA with no knowledge of the pro game.The Cavs and Nike handed him a contract he doesn’t deserve.He went into the league with a big ego thinking he’s better than any basketball player in the world.The NBA wanted him to be the ultimate phenom,and eventually was given the name “King James”.The local and national media just praise him more and more,which makes me sick.I don’t think there’s anything special about LeBron other than the fact that he really sucks.He sucks as a player and as a human being.

    He hates Cleveland,and has slapped the fans in the face numerous times when he showed up at a Indains playoff game wearing a Yankees cap.Then following that up with releasing a shoe made by Nike in the Yankee pin stripes.Earlier this year he was hanging out with TO on the Cowboys sideline again wearing a Yankees cap during a Browns game.Recently I saw a picture of him talking to the New York media after a game against the Knicks in New York.When asked if he’s really going to leave..he just walked around the subject by saying “..this is a business,and he has to do what’s best for him.”What more does he have to do to show Cavs fans that he hates Cleveland,and doesn’t want to play here.Nobody here wants to hear it,or believe it.Every one of them is in denial,and doesn’t want to accept the fact that LeBron only cares about himself,and is going to do what he wants to do.He is an immature,self-centered,egotistical son-of -bitch.I can’t wait to see him go.

    I read this page,and agreed with everything.It was hilarious.I might be the only one living in Cleveland that hates him..but I’m glad to see I’m not the only one in the world that does.

    LEBRON JAMES SUCKS!!!!!!!!!

  2. mitch December 21, 2008 at 7:14 am #

    hey man im in australia and over hear no one shuts up about him, most ppl here love him and wont get off his dick, its just painful to watch, i hope he goes to new york, or even better another country cos im sick of seeing his ugly face and if he leaves mabye i can actually respect the cavs finally

  3. lebron lover December 22, 2008 at 10:01 am #

    you guys are lefuckheads. go and actually do something productive with u time other than baggin out someone you are clearly jealous of. sorry that u dont have money and ur not freak athletes. so get off his back and do something worthwhile.

  4. Jmak December 23, 2008 at 6:29 am #

    I live in Cleveland and love the man! He could be a hero here just by resigning. Hell even him saying he might resign this summer is a great thing. I understand where you guys are coming from I used to feel the same way about Jordan I hated the man he was all EVERYONE talked about I can’t belive no one ever went on the court and just sucked the man off they talked about how great he was even when he did some thing dumb. Now Cleveland has a star and we get to hear some everyone blow our super star!!! Its great, hate all you want but records and stats always out do personal feelings.. the man is a god deal with it….

  5. Jmak December 23, 2008 at 3:49 pm #

    I got one! Screw you I left a message and it was removed.

  6. Jmak December 23, 2008 at 6:50 pm #

    @Jim Omalley
    Do you know how many others were hyped just as much as lebron? Harold Minor, Grant Hill, Penny Hardaway, there have been so many “next Jordans” is funny.

  7. johnny December 30, 2008 at 7:15 pm #

    btBfgZ Thanks for good post

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