Dear Matt Lieb, Apologize *right now* you libelous jerk…

25 Apr

GODDAMNED IT. I was sitting alone (in the dark) in my mom’s basement (being fat, white, and old) and not getting laid (because I spend all my time being jealous of LeBron James and how awesome he is at basketball) when I received this BULLSHIT from my only friend (my mom):

Deadspin Matt Lieb LeBron Video

What. The. Fuck.

I get it, famous comedian Matt Lieb – satire and all that. But how TRAGICALLY ironic is it that you lumped the ORIGINAL LeBron James hater and the lone motherfucker to ACTUALLY REGISTER IHATELEBRONJAMES.COM back in the day with all of these bandwagon haters?

Okay – maybe singling me out is part of the joke and this piece of satire is even more well-researched and brilliant than it initially appears. In order to be truly authentic, any hater of LeBron bandwagon haters would have to be hating on LeBron James prior to the existence of ihatelebronjames.com.  But even if this is the case, it’s way too obscure for the typical Deadspin reader to appreciate and is therefore ultimately harmful the actual living, breathing, and shitting real-life version of the sad sack main character of this video – ME.

I have nothing, I live in my mom’s basement, and I have sold two ihatelbronjames.com t-shirts in the last three years (one was returned). Zazzle, LeBron-loving douches that they are, even pulled my BEST designs from their dumb store. This site makes no money and pretty much sucks. I forget to post about most of the terrible shit LeBron does. My grammar isn’t even bad in a funny wonkette kind of way. It’s just bad. And now you’ve gone and fucked my rep on an actual real website.

So thanks, Matt Lieb.  Thanks a whole fucking ton.  I demand an apology.

Sincerely,

Bernard G. Watkins

PS: I’m waiting.

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One Response to “Dear Matt Lieb, Apologize *right now* you libelous jerk…”

  1. Zatt Lieb April 27, 2014 at 12:21 am #

    I’m sorry about the satire. I wish I came up with this site before you did. In actuality, my life is similar to how I portrayed the video, without the sports references. Don’t be mad, Deadspin is hiring.

    Sincerely,
    your #3 fan

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