Classless Backstabbing Narcissist, Serial Diver/Choker/Cheater/Whiner/Quitter LeBron James finally manages not to prevent his all-star team from winning NBA title
Good work, LeBron. Put that ring in your tiny little purse and take a fucking victory lap. Know in your heart that you are a TRUE champion. You never had to shamelessly take advantage of favorable treatment from the league and its sponsors to win.
You never had to betray your hometown and the fans that made you. You never had to resort to diving, browbeating the refs with incessant whining, or outright cheating. You never traveled and you never got away with a charge in the paint. You didn’t luck out when serious injuries to Derrick Rose and Joakim Noah removed the best team in the NBA from your playoff bracket. And you certainly never required the help of two or more all-stars to get the job done. It was all you, bro. IT WAS ALL YOU.
Ugh. I’m pretty sure I’m still drunk. And I’m seriously thinking about putting some whiskey in my morning coffee to power back up to deal with this shit. First order of business – let’s get the morning headlines out of the way. Here is a sampling of some terrible headlines and groan-worthy puns:
The Chosen Won (SI)
Ring Him Up (ESPN)
The King Gets His Crown (SportingNews)
LeBron James passes on Cleveland question in post-game press conference (Cleveland Plain Dealer)
Champions! Heat Dominates Thunder (Miami Herald) – WEAK
It’s about Damn Time: LeBron and Heat Win NBA Title (USA Today)
King is Crowned (also USA Today)
“I can finally say I’m a champion”: Heat wing gives James elusive crown” (Washington Post)
A Three-Heated Title in Miami (LA Times) – whatever the fuck that means
King’s Coronation (Yahoo! Sports)
The Big Three Land One: Miami Heat Win NBA Championship (Orlando Sentinel)
Take a Load Off (FoxSports)
The King is Finally Crowned (MSNBC)
And so on, and so on. I only linked to the Cleveland story. If you’ve read one of the others, you’ve read them all.
Whatever – it finally happened. It just goes to show you that in America, if you are given every single opportunity to win and yet continue to fail, you can always sleaze your way into a superior position, enter a fucking cheat code, and beat everyone over the head with your unfair advantage.
I will probably post more when I stop throwing up and/or when LeBron starts dropping completely retarded quotes.
Only six more championships to go, LeBron…get back to work.