LeBron’s little pussy gets 4th quarter menstrual cramps

20 Jun

UPDATE: A bunch of NHL players agree with me that LeBron is an embarrassment to all of professional sports (from the twitters):

• Scott Valentine, a defenseman in the Predators’ system: “Oh my god guys, Lebron has a cramp, everyone get on their feet, standing O for somehow staying in the game.”

• Jets right wing Blake Wheeler: “I wonder what kind of face LeBron would make if he took a slapper off the laces?”

• Stars defenseman Alex Goligoski: “What a gutsy performance by lebron #not.”

• Ryan Potulny, a forward in the Capitals’ system: “Lebron James is embarrassing himself and the NBA or actually all athletes.”

Holy shit.  This series is a nightmare.  Not only are the Heat winning, which is unbearable in and of itself, but for some reason, the sports world has decided that LeBron is now clutch-as-fuck playoff MUNNY. As such, they refuse to acknowledge egregious examples of his late-game fuck-ups.  Perfect example – last night’s cramping episode. How in the world is LeBron not getting ripped to pieces for pulling himself out of the final minute of last night’s game due to cramps, the fakest and pussiest of all possible injuries?

Let’s recap the final minutes of game 4 from multiple perspectives.  You know, to be fair and shit.

LeBron falls down on a drive and coughs up the ball.

LeBron homer:  That was clearly the result of a terrible injury, because LeBron never screws up.

Non-retard: LeBron fell down because bumbling into the paint is his signature move.

LeBron looks up, realizes the Thunder have the ball, and stays down as the Thunder go on a break.

LeBron homer: Oh no, poor LeBron must be gravely injured!

Non-retard: What a fucking prima donna.  Typical LeBron.

The Heat quickly regain possession.  LeBron gets up, cherry picks, receives a pass, and scores a cheap basket.

LeBron homer: LeBron has somehow found the inner strength to battle through incredible pain in order to stand up and make a 4-foot bank shot! AMAZING!

Non-retard: Faker. Way to pick up the cheapest score ever, douchebag.

A few minutes later, after copious amounts of grimacing and limping and scowling, LeBron makes a three. Although he doesn’t appear to be limping as he’s handling the ball and going through his shooting motion, he hobbles all the way back down the court after making the shot.

LeBron homer: OH MY GOD. Better than Jordan! BETTER THAN JORDAN!

Non-retard: How convenient. Where was that limp when was handling the ball prior to the shot?  What a goddamned drama queen.  *Sigh*

LeBron misses a three-pointer with 1:15 left in the game.  He immediately pulls himself out of a one possession game with under a minute remaining.

LeBron homer: It is a miracle LeBron has played this long through the pain.  What a beast.  There is no way that missed shot had anything to do with the timing of his exit. Pure coincidence. LeBron never shies away from a chance to take control in the final seconds of the game.

Non-retard: What kind of pussy superstar takes themselves out of a one score game with under a minute remaining?

* * *

Anyone paying attention to LeBron’s career knows that not only does he fail to deliver in the clutch, he actively avoids pressure situations altogether. The moment LeBron missed the three-pointer that would have made it a 6 point game, he realized that he would almost certainly be expected to do something important at the end of the game. So he quit. Plain and simple.

Lucky for him, the oscar-worthy bullshit display he had been putting on gave him the cover he needed.

By running to the safety of the bench, LeBron completely avoided the possibility of yet another humiliating fourth quarter fuck-up. There would be no embarrassing bricks at the buzzer, no fraidy cat passes out of the final shot…BECAUSE HE WAS ON THE BENCH LEAVING THE GAME IN THE HANDS OF SUPER MARIO FUCKING CHALMERS.

If you don’t buy this interpretation, I guess you have to accept that LeBron possesses the pain threshold of a toddler and is willing to bail on his team because he is a total weakling. I have no idea how any sportwriter could possible write a piece praising LeBron’s toughness after watching last night’s clown show. I don’t know where those dickheads grew up (Candyland?), but where Bernard G. Watkins grew up (Southeast DC), kind of playing through cramps for a little while before giving up shortly thereafter isn’t tough. It’s pussy as all shit.

I’ll leave you all with some examples of actual toughness, in case you still don’t get it:

Byron Leftwich told the X-Ray to go fuck itself and played three whole quarters of FOOTBALL with a goddamned BROKEN TIBIA.

 

This 75 pound girl SPRINTED and then did a bunch of FLIPS AND SHIT with an extremely BUSTED ANKLE SHE COULDN'T EVEN STAND ON.

Willis Reed helped the Knicks win a championship by refusing to sit out game 7 with his THIGH MUSCLE TORN TO RIBBONS.

Ronnie Lott had his finger AMPUTATED (AS IN REMOVED FROM HIS BODY FOREVER) rather than miss a game.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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21 Responses to “LeBron’s little pussy gets 4th quarter menstrual cramps”

  1. Lebron James June 21, 2012 at 3:10 pm #

    If you ever get out of your mom’s basement, meet me on the court.

  2. bernardgwatkins June 21, 2012 at 4:18 pm #

    Well aren’t you are a clever little tough girl. Unfortunately, I am a fat white guy that sucks at basketball.

  3. Dre June 21, 2012 at 4:23 pm #

    On the fuckin money! You are a genius. Fuck lebrunk and his weak ass

  4. GP June 21, 2012 at 7:40 pm #

    couldn’t have said it better myself. props for this post!

    and to whoever wrote the first post, i’ll meet u on the court any day son. i prefer my own private court on my balcony, just tell the doorman ur going to penthouse 3 to get schooled in bball when you get to 72nd and broadway.

  5. al June 21, 2012 at 8:18 pm #

    Perhaps some other players, who have also played admirably through injuries could include: Isiah Thomas, game 6 1988 finals, who played on a sprained ankle. Jack Youngblood, who played on a broken leg in ’78 NFC championship. Not sure if these instances would be dismissed because they occurred losing efforts. Maybe Kirk Gibson’s walk-off homerun in 1988 World Series with two shot knees–he barely hobbled around the bases.

  6. Jamie F June 22, 2012 at 1:03 am #

    You sir are the man. I have enjoyed your website and look forward to reading more. Keep up the great work.

  7. LeQueen Jamez June 22, 2012 at 2:05 am #

    This brings back bad memories of Paula Pierce’s infamous “Oscar worthy” performance in the 2008 Finals.

  8. Dee June 22, 2012 at 4:01 am #

    LOL! There’s about to be a champagne shortage in South Beach. Congratulations King James(MVP) & The Heat, well deserved!

  9. TWolvesFan June 22, 2012 at 5:49 am #

    I need a good ihatelberonjames.com post. So the queen got a ring. He can get fucked. Mr. Watkins you are my hero.

  10. Mgrey June 22, 2012 at 6:53 am #

    What? Nothing to say now? Bitch ass haters. Miami Heat 2012 NBA Champs. Lebron James MVP!

  11. Wade County June 22, 2012 at 6:59 pm #

    This is what all you sound like right now. Feel free to forward to 1:15, punks.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjIfrQqABl0

    BTW, the weather here is great, you guys should visit for the parade.

    2012 Champs

  12. satan June 22, 2012 at 9:19 pm #

    who cares about what some cracker ass hockey players think. they know the least about sports. all hockey is is figure skating with a puck. hockey is a joke and therefore anyone who takes it seriously is a joke. ask REAL athletes like soccer players, rugby players, basketball players. not a couple of rednecks that consider skating around in a tiny ass rink a sport. hockey is for half ass athletes who want to win but dont want to go thru the grueling process of winning a real title. the stanley cup is worth just about shit in the real sports world. but hey i guess if skating around pushing people is your idea of an actual sport then by all means continue making yourself look like a jackass

  13. LeQueen Jamez June 22, 2012 at 11:12 pm #

    This video sums up quite nicely the typical LeBron jock strap sniffer (and those of other “super” stars):

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCZpaYt43HY

    By the way, I hate the Heat — the team and the weather. Miami sucks — both the team and the city.

  14. Wade County June 23, 2012 at 5:14 pm #

    Damn, I wanted to use the term “Jock Strap” but we are over the limit on this site, thanks to Queenie. Maybe you could switch it up? No? Cool.

    Actually funny you should mention the weather. It is raining right now. That’s why I’m stuck at my place. But it’s alright, cause THERE ISN’T ANY THUNDER!

    Wow, I’m so witty huh?

    Love my city. Especially as of late. Not sure why….

  15. wtf lebron June 25, 2012 at 11:32 pm #

    I agree with everything you said, when I saw him get taken out of the game I facepalmed and I was just like COME ON. Seriously I don’t give a fuck if he has a ring now or not that was one of the most pussy things I have seen in my entire life. I have seen fucking pee wee soccer players play through more than that. I have an NBA Superstars poster with Tim Duncan, Shaq, Tracy Mcgrady, Allen Iverson, and Lebron. Guess which one doesn’t belong. X’d that little bitch out with a sharpie.

  16. Hockey player June 27, 2012 at 3:27 pm #

    @satan

    Seriously? You know absolutely nothing about toughness. Look up when Martin st Louis returned to a game after having Root canal Prodedure performed iafter taking a stick to the mouth. Look up Ian laperriere’s brain sacrifice which lead to a brain contusion. Have you ever taken a slapper to the boot? Ever been rocked into the boards? Or hit open ice and have your head slam on fucking ICE? Ever taken a stick to the groin or a puck to the face?

    The stanley cup is the most prized of all trophies. It’s the most recognizable, it receives white glove treatment, it’s sacred. You need to stop watching espn. And rednecks? Apparently all whie people are rednecks, goddamn racist pig.

    Hockey players are universally considered the toughest athletes in the world outside rugby and Irish Hurling. You are a sad sheltered person.

  17. bernardgwatkins June 27, 2012 at 5:57 pm #

    Being a huge hockey fan myself, I have to agree. In the last few years, several NHL players (I can think of Duncan Keith, Eric Belanger) lost nearly every tooth in their mouth and returned to finish out the game. Cramps. What a joke. Can you imagine LeBron James getting 8 teeth knocked clear out and finishing the game. He couldn’t survive cramps. Anyone that thinks that hockey players aren’t tough is a clueless clown.

  18. Whodey June 28, 2012 at 11:13 am #

    You dumb fuck. It’s Willis Reed, not “Reed Willis”. Just shows how little you actually know about sports. Kiss the King’s crown, you fat loser.

  19. bernardgwatkins June 28, 2012 at 5:39 pm #

    Correction made, fuckface. Sorry I was typing drunk. Guess that typo means that LeBron isn’t a pussy after all. Oh wait, he still totally is.

    I’d rather not kiss LeBron’s anything. But you can feel free.

  20. Viv July 18, 2012 at 5:36 am #

    No matter how much you dumb asses want to hate on Lebron James, he still is one of the top paid athletes in the world, the Heat just won the 2012 NBA championship, and Lebron once again took the MVP award, so I doubt his crying over what you guys think about him. His laughing at your stupid asses all the way to the bank. Hate on that because I doubt anyone hating on him has such accomplishments.

  21. TIM March 3, 2013 at 7:01 pm #

    this website is pure genius. I just found it. and this column is hilarious and undoubtedly true. nicely done

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