I Hate LeBron James.com

Deadspin’s Anonymous PR guy had a few things to say about LeBron in a recent Q&A session:

So LeBron was already a full-fledged asshole at age 19. Not a shocking revelation, but mildly surprising considering it involves a fucking wheelchair kid.  I don’t like how the PR guy totally glosses over the whole Playboy Mansion thing, but I guess he has to hold back a few juicy tidbits for future posts.

Then it gets much, much better:

Wow. For those of you who have no idea what snowballing is – look it up, that is what the internet is for. Do a quick search and come back…

You back?  Good.  Pretty nasty, huh? The psychoanalysis on this doesn’t require an advanced degree  - LeBron is such a raging narcissist that he literally wants to blow himself. Obviously, this is impossible given that LeBron is not a contortionist (flopping aside) and I seriously doubt LeBron has a 28 inch wang (or he would have told us about it).  So he has to settle for snowballing.

Ga-ross.

Introducing the most comically overpriced signature shoe of all time – the Nike LEBRON X!  This tacky eyesore will set you back $315.  That’s more than a minimum wage worker makes in an entire week – and that’s before payroll taxes are deducted. The cost of Chinese child abuse/labor must be on the rise! Luckily, if you’re a total loser asshole willing to settle for second-best and miss the entire goddamned point of this thing, you can buy the poor person version of LeBron’s shoe for $180.

According to Nike, the shoe “is inspired, both aesthetically and metaphorically, by the diamond, a precious and nearly indestructible gemstone.”  I guess the shoe is metaphorically similar to a diamond in that that it is insanely overpriced in an artificial market and its procurement requires the injury and/or death of innocent children in the third world…cause I’m pretty sure this sweatshop piece of shit isn’t indestructible.

A pair of space-age Nike Air Flash Gordons

There is no doubt – LeBron is a world-class douchebag and he hates poor people.  Not that we needed any more proof.  Remember this?:

“At the end of the day, all of the people that were rooting for me to fail, tomorrow they’ll have to wake up and have the same life that [they had] before they woke up today. They got the same personal problems they had today and I’m going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things I want to do.”

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…HUH…WHUUUH?…oh hey there. Sorry, I was sleeping because TV (the only thing to do anymore) has been ruined by this thing called Olympics. Fortunately, it has not been completed ruined.  Although I was under the impression that this Olympics thing was just a bunch of grown men engaging in competitive water-splashing, I recently learned that a few actual ballgames are included. And wouldn’t you know it, McDonald’s All-American LeBron James made the USA men’s team for basketball! So far, LeBron James and Team USA have conquered all foreign enemies (which is totally good for American democracy *AND* democracy all around the world).

It hasn’t been perfectly smooth sailing - Team USA (or more accurately, the “Dream Team”) almost lost this one time, but not quite. Phew. Good thing LeBron is awesome at Olympics. Not as awesome as the international basketball superstar known as “L. Kleiza,” who scored 5 more points than LeBron, but awesome enough. Granted, L. Kleiza had the advantage of going up against the Dream Team’s sub-par defense and LeBron had to go up against Lithuania’s famous “Iron Curtain” defense. That’s probably why LeBron had zero assists.

I fully expect the Miami Heat to make a serious push for L. Kleiza this off-season…