Archive | June, 2012

Nike’s overly-defensive “Earned Not Given” shirt

26 Jun

nike earned not given shirt worn by LeBron James







Nike just wants to make it clear that the most coddled athlete in recent memory, one that refers to himself as “King James” and was anointed “The Chosen One” before graduating high school, has legitimately earned his ring. And it like totally TOTALLY wasn’t given to him. No way. In case somebody thinks that it was. But why would they? That’s CRAZY. So yeah, just in case – this shirt.

Have you ever seen a more defensive victory shirt in your life? Did Tom Brady and Bill Belichick wear a “We could have won without videotaping. Honestly, we could have.” shirt after winning a Superbowl?

You know what?  I kind of like this preemptive approach.  I’m going to walk into work tomorrow and declare at the staff meeting that I did NOT steal three cases of printer toner and sell them in the OfficeMax parking lot.  Just so everybody knows.


Classless Backstabbing Narcissist, Serial Diver/Choker/Cheater/Whiner/Quitter LeBron James finally manages not to prevent his all-star team from winning NBA title

22 Jun

Good work, LeBron. Put that ring in your tiny little purse and take a fucking victory lap. Know in your heart that you are a TRUE champion. You never had to shamelessly take advantage of favorable treatment from the league and its sponsors to win.

Cleveland Cavaliers Burns LeBron James Jersey

You never had to betray your hometown and the fans that made you. You never had to resort to diving, browbeating the refs with incessant whining, or outright cheating. You never traveled and you never got away with a charge in the paint. You didn’t luck out when serious injuries to Derrick Rose and Joakim Noah removed the best team in the NBA from your playoff bracket. And you certainly never required the help of two or more all-stars to get the job done.  It was all you, bro. IT WAS ALL YOU.

Ugh. I’m pretty sure I’m still drunk. And I’m seriously thinking about putting some whiskey in my morning coffee to power back up to deal with this shit. First order of business – let’s get the morning headlines out of the way. Here is a sampling of some terrible headlines and groan-worthy puns:

LeBron is a DickThe Chosen Won (SI)

Ring Him Up (ESPN)

The King Gets His Crown (SportingNews)

LeBron James passes on Cleveland question in post-game press conference (Cleveland Plain Dealer)

Champions! Heat Dominates Thunder (Miami Herald) – WEAK

It’s about Damn Time: LeBron and Heat Win NBA Title (USA Today)

King is Crowned (also USA Today)

“I can finally say I’m a champion”: Heat wing gives James elusive crown” (Washington Post)

A Three-Heated Title in Miami (LA Times) – whatever the fuck that means

King’s Coronation (Yahoo! Sports)

The Big Three Land One: Miami Heat Win NBA Championship (Orlando Sentinel)

Take a Load Off (FoxSports)

The King is Finally Crowned (MSNBC)

And so on, and so on. I only linked to the Cleveland story. If you’ve read one of the others, you’ve read them all.

Whatever – it finally happened. It just goes to show you that in America, if you are given every single opportunity to win and yet continue to fail, you can always sleaze your way into a superior position, enter a fucking cheat code, and beat everyone over the head with your unfair advantage.

I will probably post more when I stop throwing up and/or when LeBron starts dropping completely retarded quotes.

LeBron's mom celebrates LeBron's Championship

Only six more championships to go, LeBron…get back to work.



LeBron’s little pussy gets 4th quarter menstrual cramps

20 Jun

UPDATE: A bunch of NHL players agree with me that LeBron is an embarrassment to all of professional sports (from the twitters):

• Scott Valentine, a defenseman in the Predators’ system: “Oh my god guys, Lebron has a cramp, everyone get on their feet, standing O for somehow staying in the game.”

• Jets right wing Blake Wheeler: “I wonder what kind of face LeBron would make if he took a slapper off the laces?”

• Stars defenseman Alex Goligoski: “What a gutsy performance by lebron #not.”

• Ryan Potulny, a forward in the Capitals’ system: “Lebron James is embarrassing himself and the NBA or actually all athletes.”

Holy shit.  This series is a nightmare.  Not only are the Heat winning, which is unbearable in and of itself, but for some reason, the sports world has decided that LeBron is now clutch-as-fuck playoff MUNNY. As such, they refuse to acknowledge egregious examples of his late-game fuck-ups.  Perfect example – last night’s cramping episode. How in the world is LeBron not getting ripped to pieces for pulling himself out of the final minute of last night’s game due to cramps, the fakest and pussiest of all possible injuries?

Let’s recap the final minutes of game 4 from multiple perspectives.  You know, to be fair and shit.

LeBron falls down on a drive and coughs up the ball.

LeBron homer:  That was clearly the result of a terrible injury, because LeBron never screws up.

Non-retard: LeBron fell down because bumbling into the paint is his signature move.

LeBron looks up, realizes the Thunder have the ball, and stays down as the Thunder go on a break.

LeBron homer: Oh no, poor LeBron must be gravely injured!

Non-retard: What a fucking prima donna.  Typical LeBron.

The Heat quickly regain possession.  LeBron gets up, cherry picks, receives a pass, and scores a cheap basket.

LeBron homer: LeBron has somehow found the inner strength to battle through incredible pain in order to stand up and make a 4-foot bank shot! AMAZING!

Non-retard: Faker. Way to pick up the cheapest score ever, douchebag.

A few minutes later, after copious amounts of grimacing and limping and scowling, LeBron makes a three. Although he doesn’t appear to be limping as he’s handling the ball and going through his shooting motion, he hobbles all the way back down the court after making the shot.

LeBron homer: OH MY GOD. Better than Jordan! BETTER THAN JORDAN!

Non-retard: How convenient. Where was that limp when was handling the ball prior to the shot?  What a goddamned drama queen.  *Sigh*

LeBron misses a three-pointer with 1:15 left in the game.  He immediately pulls himself out of a one possession game with under a minute remaining.

LeBron homer: It is a miracle LeBron has played this long through the pain.  What a beast.  There is no way that missed shot had anything to do with the timing of his exit. Pure coincidence. LeBron never shies away from a chance to take control in the final seconds of the game.

Non-retard: What kind of pussy superstar takes themselves out of a one score game with under a minute remaining?

* * *

Anyone paying attention to LeBron’s career knows that not only does he fail to deliver in the clutch, he actively avoids pressure situations altogether. The moment LeBron missed the three-pointer that would have made it a 6 point game, he realized that he would almost certainly be expected to do something important at the end of the game. So he quit. Plain and simple.

Lucky for him, the oscar-worthy bullshit display he had been putting on gave him the cover he needed.

By running to the safety of the bench, LeBron completely avoided the possibility of yet another humiliating fourth quarter fuck-up. There would be no embarrassing bricks at the buzzer, no fraidy cat passes out of the final shot…BECAUSE HE WAS ON THE BENCH LEAVING THE GAME IN THE HANDS OF SUPER MARIO FUCKING CHALMERS.

If you don’t buy this interpretation, I guess you have to accept that LeBron possesses the pain threshold of a toddler and is willing to bail on his team because he is a total weakling. I have no idea how any sportwriter could possible write a piece praising LeBron’s toughness after watching last night’s clown show. I don’t know where those dickheads grew up (Candyland?), but where Bernard G. Watkins grew up (Southeast DC), kind of playing through cramps for a little while before giving up shortly thereafter isn’t tough. It’s pussy as all shit.

I’ll leave you all with some examples of actual toughness, in case you still don’t get it:

Byron Leftwich told the X-Ray to go fuck itself and played three whole quarters of FOOTBALL with a goddamned BROKEN TIBIA.


This 75 pound girl SPRINTED and then did a bunch of FLIPS AND SHIT with an extremely BUSTED ANKLE SHE COULDN'T EVEN STAND ON.

Willis Reed helped the Knicks win a championship by refusing to sit out game 7 with his THIGH MUSCLE TORN TO RIBBONS.

Ronnie Lott had his finger AMPUTATED (AS IN REMOVED FROM HIS BODY FOREVER) rather than miss a game.

















Clutch Cheating

15 Jun

LeBron may not be able to hit a clutch jumper to save his life, but that dude has perfected the art of cheating in the clutch.  Think about how many games he has closed out with a perfectly executed illegal move or sneaky foul.  “The Travel” was a game-winner, folks.  And so was his push-off on Durant at the end of last night’s game, which ultimately resulted in an intentional foul and two more FTs for LeBron.  The truth is revealed by the replay angle at :36:

LeBron has blossomed into one of the craftiest, effective cheaters in the league.  If there was a rating in NBA2K for cheating technique, LeBron would have a 98.  But only because they never give out 99s.



LeBron’s title quest gets the wacky animation treatment

15 Jun

Lord of the Rings and Seattle SuperSonics references included.


Urkel ups his game, makes first NBA finals

13 Jun

Unfortunately, Urkel’s first appearance resulted in a loss to the Oklahoma Thunder.  Probably because he left his rainbow suspenders at home.

LeBron Nerd Glasses