Archive | January, 2012

LeBron Rules

30 Jan

As evidenced by last night’s Bulls/Heat game, it is still illegal to block LeBron James’ bumbling shots in the paint.  Especially near the end of a game.  Super-especially if the game is close.

That is all.

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Biggest Scumbag in Sports History?

24 Jan

Is LeBron the biggest scumbag in sports history?  According to Bleacher Report, not quite.

Bleacher Report has identified 23 athletes scummier than than King James.  So far, I have to admit – LeBron has a long way to go.  As much as I can’t stand LeBron, I can’t imagine what he could possibly do to top Ty Cobb or Barry Bonds.  I don’t see LeBron turning into a raging racist or a steroid freak.  Anyway, I’ve always though of LeBron as more of  a douchebag than a scumbag.

On the other hand, LeBron is a still a young man.  We shall see what the future holds…

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LeBron Opens Up in his Most Revealing Interview Yet

11 Jan

In the aftermath of the unmitigated disaster that was “The Decision,” it was clear that LeBron’s public relations team had to completely re-think their strategy. Initially, they formulated a plan to duct tape LeBron’s mouth shut whenever he wasn’t playing basketball. However, they failed to account for the fact that LeBron weighs 250 pounds and is incredibly strong. That plan did not succeed.

Next, Nike stopped messing around and brought out the big guns, created a confusing hour-long commercial that attempted to put the public in the millionaire crybaby’s shoes. In doing so, they hoped that LeBron’s misguided but loyal fans would sympathize with his plight to screw them over in order to do whatever the fuck he wants to do. You know – heavy is the head that wears the crown and all that. This plan failed as well. In fact, it made things quite a bit worse, especially for Clevelanders. This outcome wasn’t too hard to predict, considering the commercial was totally retarded and condescending.  It even included a Don Johnson cameo.

Left with few other options, LeBron’s downtrodden handlers decided to return to the PR guy’s best friend – the softball interview. But wait…wasn’t “The Decision” itself a softball interview?  Hell, they actually paid that guy to lob softballs. And LeBron *still* screwed it up. “Fuuuuck us,” the poor PR team exclaimed as they cried into their Michelob Ultras.

Then something magical happened. Just  just as Nike was about to send a hit squad to take out the miserable PR idiots, one of them had a Don Draper moment:

“Hey fellow PR goons!  I’ve got it!”

[suspenseful pause]

“Check this – we can have little British kids ask The King questions, screen them very carefully, and then have him answer them on tape so we can delete the most retarded responses!  And here’s the best part – since these factory town kids probably have mercury poisoning, most people won’t even be able to understand the crap coming out of their mush-mouths!”

And lo and behold – it worked!  See!:

Q: Are you taller than a giraffe?

LJ: I am tall, but I am not taller than a giraffe.

Success!

Well…maybe not a complete success.  Not sure how this one got through the filter:

Q: What’s your proudest moment?

 LJ: I’d have to say my proudest moment would be winning a national championship in high school.

I guess if you haven’t won an NBA championship, your next proudest moment would have to be the championship you did win.  The coveted high school championship.

Wait a second…doesn’t LeBron have two sons?  Ouch.

Enjoy the whole ridiculous thing:

 

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LeBron’s Posse Rejects Birthday Cake, Screws the Baker out of $3K

5 Jan

LeBron James’ insane clown posse, the physical manifestation of King James’ arrogance and sense of entitlement, has hit a new low, rejecting a fancy birthday cake and leaving the baker to foot the $3,000 bill. This poor lady made the mistake of accepting an offer to provide a free cake in exchange for publicity at LeBron’s 27th birthday douchefest. Cause, you know, LeBron doesn’t have $3K on hand, and needs to bargain hunt. Unfortunately for the baker lady, LeBron’s posse rejected the cake the day of the party (breaking their end of the bargain) and refused to pay up.

Let’s crunch the numbers on this. LeBron made $48,000,000 last year. $3,000 is a measly .00625% of that. The normal person equivalent of this bullshit would be some guy making $50,000 a year refusing to pay for a $3.00 cake.

When it comes to class, LeBron really takes the cake [snickering].

WORD IS BOND, YO. Well, this is LeBron “I ain’t goin’ nowhere” James we’re talking about. Could you say that the baker got “Clevelanded?”  I think you could.

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