I Hate LeBron James.com

Sportswriters are such jerkoffs.  Here’s a wonderful case-study, courtesy of ESPN – Rick Reilly. Embolded by the Heat’s game 3 win, I guess, Rick Reilly mustered up enough courage to write a shameless ass-kissing piece on The Chosen One.  Pretty nauseating stuff. Here’s the best part:

Eventually, LeBron James is going to win enough rings to start a pawn shop. He may win them by scoring like Wilt. He may win them by passing like Magic. He may win them by defending like Russell. What’s your point? Aren’t they all shiny?

Way to go out on a limb, Rick. At the time, this looked like the safest of safe calls and therefore this column, at best, was a bunch of front-running shit. Turns out that limb was flimsier than it looked. Very flimsy as the last few games have demonstrated.

So what does a sportswriter do when his big fucking deal of a column has been completely invalidated and he’s too pussy to own up to it? Rick Reilly has been writing about sports long enough to know what to do. There’s a guidebook on the entire process:

First, only have strong opinions when it seems to be safe (naturally).

Second, just in case you might be wrong, make sure that every article you ever write contains a bunch of weaselly cop-outs and qualifiers such as:

It tastes like Drano in my mouth, but I’ve got to say it: The Miami Heat are pulling off one of the greatest I Told You So’s in the history of American sports.

and…

I’m the last guy that wants to write a glowing column about LeBron James.

Third, kinda pretend to be pulling for the other team from time to time. This gives the kinda appearance of kinda being objective in your sportswritings.

And finally, and this is *critical* – when you are busted, follow-up with a bullshit puff piece that has no substantive value whatsoever. Even if this piece drops at the most critical point possible in the playoffs of the sport you are covering and seems wildly inappropriate. It will serve as a crude yet effective distraction.

I’ve seen this same old shit so many times. I caught that jerkoff Bill Simmons doing the same thing years ago during one of LeBron’s first playoff runs (his piece was so bad ESPN removed it from their archives). And I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure that award-winning journalist Rick Reilly goes the puff piece route on a regular basis.

Here’s the beauty of this whole system – if the Heat end up winning it all, Rick can pick up right where he left off, take credit, and maybe even win another one of those ultra-prestigious sportswriting awards.

Sports…what a job.

For those of you that can’t bring yourselves to believe that LeBron James is simply a playoff choker, there might a valid excuse floating around out there – LeBron’s girlfriend is hooking up with one of the ugliest Washington Wizards! Delonte West all over again! Poor LeBron! Oh no! The truth was uncovered by hard-hitting investigative journalist Stephen A. Smith through, uh, the grapevine or something.

Not so fast…unfortunately for you excuse-makers (and fortunately for LeBron), it appears that the whole thing is bullshit, per Rashard Lewis and common sense.

Either way – LeBron’s performance in the clutch is not very Jordan-esque. Or even Drew Gooden-esque.

Game 5: 2 points and a bunch of turnovers and fouls

This, my friends, is the stuff legends are made of. Thirty years from now, this will be referred to as “*The* Pep Talk.”  LBJ is this generation’s JFK and MLK rolled into one. He is truly a Renaissance man.

What more can LeBron do to prop up his loser team? First the man delivers this truly inspiring speech, then he scores almost TEN points. For fuck’s sake, people!

Game 1 was boring and terrible.  However, I did notice that during the 5 or 10 minutes I was away from the game pouring myself whiskey drinks/smoking cigarettes/smashing things, the Mavericks seemed to go on runs. Of course, when I was watching the game, all that LeBron dunking and Dywyaynye Wade three-pointer stuff happened and the Heat won. I figured that if I avoided game 2 completely, the Mavs might have a chance. I was right. Dirk and his geezer friends were able to put up a win on the Cheat in Miami with a crazy 4th quarter comeback (or so I hear).

And I didn’t have to listen to a single sound come out of Jeff van Gundy’s mouth hole. I heard just about enough of that gushing LeBron homer in game 1 to last a lifetime.

Now I won’t be able to help myself.  I’ll have to watch game 3, which will probably guarantee some of the most obnoxious LeBron shenanigans yet. Goddamned universe. At least I can hit the mute button.  But I won’t.

OH HI LEBRON.

. . .

Competition?  Not really.  Seems like a LeBron sympathy page…