Archive | May, 2009

Game 4 Recap

28 May

LeBron does the most shamefully pathetic dive of his career, gets the call:

lebron-takes-a-dive

Gets two free points, ties the game with seconds to go:

lebron-gets-2-free-points

Sideshow Bob mugs Howard, no call:

sideshow-bob-mugs-howard

Stan Van Gundy is all like “WTF?!”

stan-van-gundy-wtf

Overtime, clock ticking down, LeBron gets a shot off…BRICK. 

lebron-bricks-the-game-winner

Game Over.

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Stan Van Gundy on fouls and fines/Bill Simmons gets it without getting it

27 May

Stan Van Gundy’s game 3 post-game press conference was priceless.  Watch it here.

Reporter: Stan, the foul that Dwight fouled out on and a couple other call on LeBron…they don’t even look like fouls sometimes.  Can you comment on that?

Stan: Nope. But you can.  You write a column.  And see, the league won’t fine you $25,000 or whatever.  So…so you write it.  That’s what I love – you guys see it, but you don’t want to write it.  But you want me to comment on it so now I’m a whiner and I get fined.  You saw it, write what you saw.

[gasp] How *dare* you!  This is *my* ball.  I AM KING JAMES!!!

How *dare* you! This is *my* ball. I AM KING JAMES!!!

In the NBA, you can be fined for complaining about a call if you are a coach, even when you are unquestionably right.  The press can write whatever they want, but they rarely write stories critical of LeBullshit.  Consequentially, LeBron James has become a monster and the last two minutes of every close playoff game (arguably the only part of a basketball game worth watching) are a usually a joke.  Thanks, ESPNbavid $tern.  Even the defensive player of the year (carrying 5 fouls in a pivotal playoff game) doesn’t get the benefit of the doubt on a decisive defensive play when he goes up against LeBron.  When you guard LeBron, you are simply “the guy who is about to foul LeBron.”

You know the situation has gotten completely out of control when Bill Simmons, one of the most eager and enthusiastic of all LeBron fellaters, capable of writing super-romanticized bullshit like this:

In Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals, with one second to play and his Cavaliers trailing by two, a 6-foot-9, 275-pound local kid from Akron bullied toward the basket like a tight end. His goal was to jump as high as he could, extend his hands 2 feet over the 10-foot rim, then catch a lob from 50 feet away that had to be perfectly thrown. When his path was cut off, he recalibrated his mission almost as a navigation system reroutes a car, darted away from the basket toward the top of the key, caught a pass coming from his left, turned toward the rim, took a split second to center his body, bounced off the balls of his feet, extended in the air, then arched a 24-foot shot over the extended fingers of a 6-foot-10 opponent from Turkey. Even as he released the shot, he was falling backward, so his momentum carried him toward the other basket. Somehow, the shot rattled home. And that’s when LeBron James turned around, sought out his teammates and joyously hopped into their arms.

This was one of the bigger moments in recent NBA history: The time when our latest hope for “The Next Jordan” actually did something MJ would have done. Like so many other die-hards, I spent the next 24 hours rehashing the moment through phone calls and e-mails and texts.

…can force himself to admit this:

[Jordan was the best and worst thing to happen to the NBA because he created] a generation of one-on-one players who careen toward the basket in big moments, create some form of contact and hope officials will bail them out. With four seconds to play in Game 4 and his team trailing by 2, LeBron put his head down, dribbled as fast as he could and prayed Michael Pietrus would either bump him or trip him. If you watch the clip, he’s moving so fast that it would have been humanly impossible for him to make a shot. That wasn’t his goal. He wanted a call. And he got one. Their feet got tangled, LeBron lurched forward, and the refs bailed him out.

Both of these quotes came from the same article.  This is what drives me crazy about Bill Simmons.  He clearly and obviously sees what is happening to the NBA.  His knows the history of the game in a way that very few dorks are capable.  He can even recall a particular foul Bill Laimbeer committed against some guy from the Clippers in the 2nd quarter of a regular season game 20 years ago and what kind of doritos he was eating at the time.   He has correctly identified the problem with the modern game (see above) and even offers a few reasonable solutions to this problem.   But then he turns around and produces piles and piles of his own hero-worship bullshit (with some of the most comically overwrought sportswriting ever), the root cause of the problem he has just identified.  Wow.  Whether he realizes it or not, he is actively contributing to the demise of his beloved NBA, nudging it further and further away from his own ideal vision of the game.  I just don’t get it.

Sports journalists are the only people able to freely criticize the bullshit without getting fined.  They are the only people with an audience large enough and an influence great enough to force some kind of change in the bullshit.  Yet, these very same journalists rely on this hero-worship bullshit to pay their bills, thanks to the atmosphere fostered by Nike and Sportscenter.  Looks like we’re stuck.

So, Stan, this is why jerk reporters won’t write the obvious fucking columns they need to be writing.  And they probably never will.

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Nice jump shot!

26 May

11-28 from the field.  24 free throws.  Very impressive…if you’re (present-day) Allen Iverson.  Blindfolded.  Playing without a coach like it’s 2001.

CLEVELAND CAVALIERS
STARTERS MIN FGM-A 3PM-A FTM-A OREB DREB REB AST STL BLK TO PF +/- PTS
LeBron James, SF 42 11-28 1-8 18-24 0 7 7 9 2 1 2 3 -12 41
7*CLANG*

*CLANG*

LeBron clearly got the help he needed from the refs.  Guess he needed more.  He made exactly two shots from beyond one inch, yet he still wound up with over 40 points.  Still no jumpshot.  Amazing.  You’ve earned this massive ostrich egg, MVP:

lebron-lays-an-ostrich-egg

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ESPNBAvid $tern – The Movie

23 May

I’ve been getting a ton of email about the “The Greatest Tragedy in Sports,”  an amateur documentary detailing David Stern’s douchebaggery from the 1985 Ewing draft lottery conspiracy to the 2002 Lakers/Kings Western Conference Final.  I thought I’d finally post something.  I’m not saying I think every claim this guy makes is legit.  I have no idea if it’s all true or even mostly true.  But I can tell you this – it’s not all bogus.  If even one tenth of this stuff has merit, ESPNBAvid $tern is a total jerk.  This documentary was obviously made by a Sacramento Kings fan/Lakers hater.  So why is this important for ihatelebronjames.com?  Because it makes the same argument that I’ve made here (of course a bit more seriously and with much higher production values) – that the NBA has become a choreographed joke based on superstar worship.  The shenanigans described in this documentary have become firmly and permanently entrenched in the NBA to such an extent that sportscasters refuse to write about favoritism, or worse – they accept it as a normal part of the game.  The governing philosophy of the David Stern era – that superstars generate super profits – benefits the Lakers, Celtics, Jordans, and Kobes of the world to the detriment to the rest of the players and teams.  LeBron James is currently the primary beneficiary.  He’s fine with that.  ESPN is fine with that.  Nike is fine with that.  Gatorade is fine with that.  If you’re a fan of the Atlanta Hawks, Charlotte Bobcats, Los Angeles Clippers, Washington Wizards, Milwaukee Bucks, Minnesota Timberwolves, Toronto Raptors, Oklahoma City Thunder, Portland Trailblazers, Golden State Warriors, Memphis Grizzlies, New Orleans Hornets, or Sacramento Kings, you’re not fine with that.

“The Greatest Tragedy in Sports” – Part 1(of 9):

If the above embed doesn’t work, here is the link.

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LeBron Travel TV

22 May

I have just discovered a fantastic LeBron website (thanks, Tamislav), LeBron Travel TV. It’s a youtube video channel devoted to the documentation of LeBron’s bumbling and stumbling bullshit. The camera doesn’t lie.

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LeBron James and Jay-Z are now a “We”…and no more endorsements

15 May

LeBron and Jay-Z have merged their persons to invent a new business concept.  Like Voltron dressed in a tacky suit.  Instead of totally awesome lazers, this money-making machine is armed with…uh…douchey sunglasses?

Seriously, read the story.  What a bunch of bullshit.  A couple of egomaniacal pop icons unite to wine and dine a bunch of rich jerks and fool themselves into thinking that they have discovered a revolutionary new business paradigm.  Okay.  Sure.  LeBron and Jay-Z are business pioneers like dudes smoking weed in the parking lot of Dairy Queen at 3 am and staring up at the stars are astrophysicists.

lebron-and-jay-z“We don’t want to do endorsement deals anymore,” said James as he stood next to Jay-Z. “When I talk to Jay, we always talk about creating relationships and friendships not endorsement deals where you pay me money and I hold up a product. We don’t do that. We all got money in here.”

No more endoresments? Okay.  These quotes are from February.  It’s May.  Shockingly, I have seen hundreds of LeBron commercials.  I’ve even seen one as recently as five fucking seconds ago.  What happened?

(with Yankees hat)

(with Yankees hat)

lebron-wtflebron-vitamin-waterlebron-spritelebron-poweradelebron-cokethe-lebronslebron-nike-shilllebron-bubble-gum

Ugh. Obviously, I left out dozens of examples.  I was getting bored.  And nauseous.  I think I made my point.

So LeBron’s quest to be the world’s first billionaire athlete continues.  Too bad Michael Schumacher already got there in 2005, so that distinction is no longer up for grabs (thanks for the info, Brian).  With Tiger Woods on pace to cross the billion dollar threshold in 2010, LeBron will be, at best, third to that party.  Behind a race car driver and golfer.

So, poor, misguided Clevelanders, stop pretending that this New York deal isn’t going to happen.  It is going down.  Knicks, Jay-Z’s Bronx Bombers, whatever.  LeBron is gonna get that munny.  If that doesn’t work, LeBron might sell clones of himself.  Or shill for Coke and Pepsi.  Or sell his soul to the devil (wait, I think ESPNBAvid $tern already owns that).

lebron-the-power-shill“Green is the most beautiful color in the world,” said James as he raised his glass. “That’s how you create partnerships, with the color green.”

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Quotes are back!

14 May

Due to popular demand, I’ve put the quotes page back up.  Check it out and add some new quotes.

Listen to the words that are coming out of my mouth...

Listen to the words that are coming out of my mouth...

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