Archive | December, 2008

Dear Cleveland, I hate you guys. Sincerely, LeBron James

27 Dec

Recently, Lebron threw Clevelanders a bone by mentioning that he might agree to a contract extension ahead of his 2010 free agency.  For some reason, Clevelanders seem to have bought it hook, line, and sinker (considering all the “see, that proves LeBron loves us” emails I’ve gotten).  Oh, how quickly you forget, gullible residents of the Mistake on the Burning Lake.  I’d like to take this chance to remind you all just how many times LeBron has insulted you and your fair city before you get too giddy and buy into LeBron’s empty little PR ploy:

First, here are some choice quotes and news stories from the LeBron/NY love affair (weight this against his single “I might consider…possibly, perhaps staying in…*cough*…Cleveland” quote):

You have to stay open-minded if you’re a Knicks fan. … If you guys want to sleep right now and don’t wake up until July 1, 2010, then go ahead. It’s going to be a big day.

We got really close. Coach D’Antoni gave me a lot of freedom, he allowed me to play every position I wanted to play, I was the leader of that team, but I was also like the overseer of some offensive plays.

To be a part of that chemistry, be part of the offensive mastermind that Coach D’Antoni is, that was great.

We were able to do some things on offense that were really unstoppable with the Olympic team.

When asked about the prospect of joining the Knicks:

It would be unfair to bring that kind of distraction to our team and my teammates, the coach and the rest of the organization,” James said. “I think July 1, 2010 will be one the bigger days in free agent history.

Sure, buddy.  Then there was the leak from LeBron’s NBA power-player pal that he favors a Knicks trade.  Pretty damning stuff. As if anybody outside Cleveland didn’t know that already, considering LeBron unveiled his new Big Apple shoe in New York, during a game against the Knicks, to a thunderous round of applause from New Yorkers.  Applause LeBron gladly accepted.

Then there was LeBron’s overly-defensive reaction to Charles Barkely calling him out.  It never escalated to a proper feud, but it was nice.

Charles: The outside forces should never affect your locker room. I think LeBron has made some of the right comments, but he hasn’t made the perfect comment. He still alienated 11 guys in his locker room…

If I was LeBron James, I would shut the hell up.

LeBron: He’s stupid. That’s all I’ve got to say about that.

Charles: LeBron James is one of my favorite players, but he’s been 100 percent wrong in this situation Barkley said. It’s unfair to the city of Cleveland and it’s unfair to the Cleveland Cavaliers team. If it was a year away it would still be unfortunate. I wish he would sign a lifetime deal with the Cavaliers.

LeBron: I guarantee that I will move to New York.  I’d rather die than stay in this shithole.  Le-Bron Ja-Mes. Clap. Clap. Clap Clap Clap.

And don’t forget LeBron’s public displays of disrespect for Ohio’s other sports franchises!

I grew up in Ohio, but I love the Yankees.

I grew up in Ohio, but I love the Yankees.

I grew up in Ohio, but I love the Cowboys.

I grew up in Ohio, but I love the Cowboys.

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LeBron is pitching his own TV show!

27 Dec

LeBron is pitching a badass TV show about himself, aiming for an air date of next fall.  I am com-plete-ly **PSYCHED** about this!  Holy fucking YES.  I can not wait that long. I CAN NOT WAIT.  Oh my gawd I am totally ALREADY SICK OF WAITING.  And you know what else?  Ice Cube will be the executive producer.  Yeah.  For real.  LeBron will also be a producer (in order to make sure the show is TRULY awesome).  King James of all Media, muthafuckaaaaz.  Anyway, I’m totally sure the show will be totally, totally sweet. And awesome.  Possibly to the MAX.  It will follow LeBron from his early days as a young basketball player on through to his days as a slightly older basketball player, right up to his days as an even bigger and older basketball player playing basketball.  It will have everything awesome like playing basketball with other dudes on a basketball team, getting tricked-out H2s from shady boosters, crazy mom stuff (parent’s just don’t understand), basketball dunking, being awesome at some other stuff like rooting for the Yank-deez, and some other gritty real-life stuff like having badass cars and mansions.  But mostly the most crazy sweet basketball dribbling and shooting.  Also, passing.  Perhaps even zany hijinks with LeBron’s fun-luvin’, big-tippin’ entourage!

Looks like this show is going to be a winner!…or the biggest steaming pile of boring bullshit every captured on videotape.  One of those two.

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LeBronJames.com is no more

26 Dec

I did it.  I finally shut down LeBronJames.com – check it out.  Lebron.msn.com has also kicked the bucket. Meanwhile, IHateLeBronJames.com is growing more powerful every day.

For those that are missing LeBronJames.com – check out ILoveLeBronJames.com – you’ll find that it is an adequate substitute.

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From: the NBA, To: LeBron James

26 Dec

For anyone who watched the wonderful LeBron James Christmas special on TNT tonight – you just witnessed the refs coming off the bench for the Cleveland Cavaliers late in the 4th quarter to make three or four consecutive “foul” calls and gift LeBron a pathetic little undeserved win for Christmas. After watching this BS, it really isn’t hard to see how the Cavs have such a jacked-up record this year.

What. A. Joke.  Any reasonable sports fan would have to admit that the last six minutes of the game were a shining example as to why the NBA is a second-tier professional sport these days.

Merry Christmas from the entire ESPNBAvid $tern family to the little baby Jesus of the NBA, LeBron James, and the entirety of knuckle-dragging fair-weather fandom.

Also, next up – 24 hours of LeBron – whateverthefuck that is. Is this shit for real? Yes, somehow it is. I caught an advertisement for it between vomiting bouts. So those of you Clevelanders or New Yorkers who need more jackoff material, grab a jar of fucking vaseline and be sure to tune in!

Assholes.

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I’m interviewed by a legitimate Cavaliers site

26 Dec

As LeBron has become more of an abrasive a-hole, Cleveland fans have become a little more open-minded when it comes to accepting that LeBron Jame might not be the greatest thing in the universe after all.  So open-minded that one Cavs super-fan, Amar from Cavalier Attitude, actually wanted to seriously interview me.

Check my interview with Cavalier Attitude here.  At first I thought it had to be a trap, but I must say that it was a fair interview from a serious website. As you can see from the responses to the interview, some of the more rational Cavs fans found themselves agreeing with me on some points (though quite a bit more still hate my guts and refuse to see the truth, of course).

It was definitely an interesting experience.  I wish they had interviewed me after the full-blown New York Knicks fiasco, though!

Go visit Cavalier Attitude to read the full interview.  If the link doesn’t work, shoot me an email and I’ll post the full interview here.

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CHALK

23 Dec

Because the chalk clap commercial wasn’t lame enough on it’s own – introducing the chalk shoe.

Only LeBron can take something as lame as clapping talcum power or chalk or whatever that crap is, make it his trademark, build an advertising campaign out of it, and then create yet another retarded signature shoe in honor of it.

Guess trademarking a chalk clap is still better than trademarking an awkward-looking off-balance jumper clanging off the side of the rim.

Who is buying these ridiculous shoes outside of LeBron’s entourage?

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LeGrinch

16 Dec

Just in time for Christmas, LeBron’s charity is releasing its staff and shutting down year-round activities.

I am going to continue to be active in the community, especially with the bikeathon. There are going to be some more things next summer. I don’t think it is going to change it. Basically, it will allow the guys around me to focus.

Focus on what?  LeBron?  So…firing all of the the charitible workers will allow people around LeBron to focus more on Lebron.  Got it.

At least we can all rest assured that the LeBron James King for Kids Bikeathon is still going to happen.  Phew.

Of course, the charity organization will continue to exist as a legal entity for tax write-off purposes.  Ugh.  Unbelievable.  Classy guy, that LeBron James.

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