Archive | May, 2008

Happy Trails, Crybaby

18 May

LeBron is eliminated by the CelticsHa Ha!

Ha Ha!


LeBron James misses 5-foot jumper



LeBron James misses free throw 1 of 2



LeBron James misses 26-foot three point jumper


Game 7 was vintage LeBron James. A bunch of stat-whoring followed by an abysmal failure to come through in the clutch.

This is a stone-cold fact, all you LeBron homers out there – with the game in his hands, LeBron blew it. If LeBron made the 6 points above instead of bricking them, the Cavs would have won the game. That’s it.

The only shot taken by another Cavalier in the last 30 seconds was a three-pointer by Pavlovic – and he nailed it, so it wasn’t the weakness of the supporting cast that did the Cavs in. 38 year-old PJ Brown came off the *couch* to make all three of his fourth quarter shots to finish out the game for the Celtics. If you aren’t as clutch as PJ Brown, do you deserve the title of “King” (even of Ohio)? Have you earned the right to refer to yourself in the third person? Nope.

On to LeBron’s final game of the season. Obviously he scored a bunch of points. Obviously Paul Pierce scored a bunch of points. Whatever. What struck me most about the game is how unbelievably transparent LeBron’s strategy is, especially in big games. He’s the snot-nosed kid who reverts to the same cheesy supermove to win at a video game over and over again.

Here’s a step-by-step description of LeBron’s “how to win at basketball” system:

Step 1 – Try to make a few jumpers with no regard to how off-balance or forced the shots may be. Also, do not take into account how well-defended you are. You are the Chosen One and you are immune from all implications of the phrase “shot selection.” Proceed to step 2.

Step 2 – If jump shots are going in, repeat step 1. If jump shots are clanging off of the iron, go to step 3.

Step 3 – Employ the invincible “bull charge” supermove! Begin putting your head down and driving to the hoop on every possession, taking advantage of the knowledge that even obvious travels and charges will be ignored by refs. Occasionally dish the ball to a wide-open teammate whilst driving to the hoop, getting credit for “creating” with “brilliant passing.” If you are having trouble hitting layups because there are 800 pounds worth of centers and forwards standing in the lane, go to step 4, you might be playing against what they call a “defense.”

Step 4 – Cry and pout every time an opposing player lays a finger on you, grease the refs, and rack up free throws. This should negate “defense.” *

Step 5 – If a comfortable lead is gained at any point during the game, go back to step 1 if desired. However, if the game is close in the fourth quarter, lock into step 3. If you are getting blown out, commence stat-whoring by an means necessary.

*this strategy may be used in conjunction with any other strategy at any time

My friends, I have watched enough LeBron James playoff games to know that he pulls this crap every single game. LeBron’s ability to rack up points is only limited to how badly he is willing to abuse this tried-and-true system. I think we’re almost (but not quite) to the point where LeBron has worn out his welcome with this bullshit. Eventually, commentators are going to tire of bailing him out every night. For shit’s sake, LeBron had five terrible games in a row against the Celtics but still received overwhelmingly favorable coverage. At some point, shills like Jeff van Gundy are going to have to seriously consider that even ESPN’s core demographic – brainwashed moron kids – might lose respect for them. What remains of their credibility is at stake. Selfish motives are going to kick in at some point if these announcers ever want to land another head coaching job. Non-Cleveland crowds are totally sick of LeBron, that’s clear. In Boston, LeBron even got a strong “bullshit” chant from the crowd that went on for 5 minutes and was easily audible on national television. And you know the network’s sound guys were trying to suppress it the entire time. In order for such a strong chant to get going, moms, dads, grandmothers, and little kids must have been joining in. Hilarious.

Worst part of the game? LeBron’s eye rake on Paul Pierce. Wow. LeBron even had the nerve to throw a hissy fit over it, even though the whole thing was confirmed by replay. Eye rakes? For real? That’s some dirty Rowdy Roddy Piper bullshit. What a jerk.

No matter. All is well that ends well. It’s game over for LeBron and his circus of bullshit.

One more time:

LeBron is eliminated by the CelticsHa Ha!


Enough is Enough

16 May

“A LeBron James team is never desperate.”

– LeBron James, referring to himself in the third person

Doc Rivers finally benched E.T. That’s the good news. The bad news is that game 6 was a frustrating mess in all other respects. A few highlights: LeBron officially became a ref, reversing an out-of-bounds call with a hissy-fit at some point in the second half. LeBron also put an absolutely outrageous travesty of a charging foul on Paul Pierce deep in the 4th quarter to ruin the integrity of the entire game, despite the fact that it was the most obvious blocking foul of the entire game, if not the entire history of the NBA. Glen Davis was mugged under the basket the entire game, and LeBron went to the line more than the entire Celtics team. It was an unmitigated disaster.

I can’t take any more of this:

scrawny rich kid nerd cavs fan

And I certainly can’t take any more of this:

LeBron scowls like a whimpering crybaby

Please, Celtics: pick your shots, use some movement, and end this nonsense on Sunday night. And then lose to the Pistons in the next round because you don’t deserve to win shit this season.

About the commentary – worst by a non-Jeff van Gundy crew yet. Some anonymous nobodies, obviously selected for their eagerness to LeBrown-nose, were selected to call the game. They were absolutely useless sycophants. One of them, Doris Burke, actually had the nerve to call the BS LeBron/Paul Pierce charge call a 50/50. Yeah, she’s partial. It was a 100/0, doofus. She also produced what has to be the lamest, most pathetic attempt at asskissing I have ever witnessed. Get this – she heaped a full minute of praise on LeBron after a failed inbounds pass. A failed inbounds pass. Even though the world’s greatest passing wizard failed to hit a teammate on an inbounds pass at midcourt, Doris Burke was shocked at how amazingly calm and collected he was in doing so. What? Hacks.


LeBoner goes limp

14 May

Up big right before halftime and playing pretty well the entire first half (he even made three jumpshots!), LeBron had the chance to turn the series in his favor with a crucial away win. All he had to do was maintain some kind of respectable offensive output in the second half. So what did the NBA’s premier superstar do? He faded like a chump and blew it:

LeBron sucks in the 3rd quarter

3rd quarter: ouch.

LeBron sucks in the 4th quarter

4th quarter: ouch.

When all was said and done, all the foul shots in the world couldn’t help LeBron pull it out (11-13 from the line). His anti-clutch second half performance was rewarded with a big, fat L.

Luckily, I saw the game at a bar, so I was spared the commentary.


Scottie “no tippin'” Pippen has got nothin’ on this guy

13 May

Check out this article from

I get a lot of hate mail, as one would expect. With a site like this, I’m obviously asking for it, so I don’t mind. And it’s fun, because I get tons of hilariously stupid and/or terrible emails, even though they are getting a little predictable (you’re a fat jealous white guy, LeBron ran the train on your team, etc.). Apart from the repetitive and unoriginal insults, one thing I hear over and over again is that I shouldn’t be picking on poor LeBron because he’s such a great guy off the court. In fact, most insulting emails even end with this crap. He’s a wonderful person. He is so down-to-earth. So classy. Blah blah blah. Oh yeah? Really? Well read this, suckers:

LeBron pulls up in his Mercedes outside XO. People stop and try not to stare, but c’mon, it’s LeBron James. He enters the restaurant with a group of friends. On this special occasion, the King decides to dine late. He keeps his group there until around 3:45 a.m. During this time the waiter obsequiously pours drinks and fetches anything else His Greatness needs.

The final bill comes to $800. By the feudal laws of decorum, which stipulate that the affluent should administer a 20 percent gratuity, staffers figured they’d be pocketing an extra $160. But when they fetched the autographed bill after His Heinousness bolted back to Akron, their expectation turned to disbelief, then anger.

Now try and tell me that he’s a great guy, assholes. You can’t. He isn’t. Ten bucks on an 800 dollar check? That’s a 1.25% tip. And this even though he kept the wait staff around until 3:45. Unfuckingconscionable. The fact that this steakhouse is one of his favorite restaurants makes the whole thing even more ridiculous. What a class act, that LeBron. I know LeBron is on record stating that he wants to be the world’s first billionaire athlete. Now he’s 150 bucks closer. Actually, 160 bucks closer, since the waiter refused the insulting ten dollar tip. King of Ohio. Evil, tyrannical king of Ohio.


LeBron’s single MVP vote…

12 May

I think I just found out where that one MVP vote came from…


Okay, it was me.

Really? More of this underrated shit? These dudes have some nerve. First of all, even if LeBron were to average 37 points a game in this series, he would still be overrated. Why is this? Because he is so highly rated by the sportswriting world that he couldn’t possibly be underrated or even properly rated. Unless he pulls a 50- point triple- double masterpiece every game, he can never live up to his hype. Therefore, he is overrated. Period. Now, consider the garbage games LeBron has been producing as of late, and this argument dissolves into complete nonsense.

This guy peddles the tired “no supporting cast” crap we’ve all heard a thousand times, which holds no water as far as I’m concerned. If LeBron truly is the MVP, then all his team would need to do is get him open looks for him to rain down jumpers. They are doing just that. In fact, the Celtics are giving away open jumpers to the Princess of Ohio. LeBron’s is flat-out missing them, hence the stats. Can you imagine what would happen if a team gave almost any other top 10 player so many open looks? They’d slaughter some jerks. This no supporting cast argument is just plain silly at worst, some kind of chicken and egg thing at best. Z is definitely a top center, slow goofball that he is. Ben Wallace, despite the fact that he is the only player in the league that can regularly chuck up airballs from 2 feet, is still a top defensive player. And then there are the many solid role players on the Cavs. Joe Smith and Delonte West – see last game.

I’d like to think that this guy doesn’t really believe LeBron is underrated and that he was just looking for an attention-getting headline. That’s the impression the article left me with, despite all the LeBron praise contained within. He makes a few good points. However, you can’t type this:

When James was going 2-for-18 in Game 1 or 6-of-24 in Game 2, there were questions about how so prodigious a talent could shoot so badly. But another perspective could have been, Why doesn’t it happen more often?

…and still believe that LeBron is somehow underrated. Two consecutive playoff disasters in a row? That’s unforgivable. He’s stretching with “But…why doesnt’ it happen more often” and he has to know it.

One good thing about this article – some really insightful Knicks gossip:

One of many reasons why the Knicks hired coach Mike D’Antoni was to pursue James in 2010, when he can opt out (along with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh) at the same time New York may have the room to offer him a max contract. Provided they can clear enough cap space, D’Antoni’s new Knicks would offer James the ultimate stage in New York as well as an up-tempo, open-court style featuring all of his skills. Before Game 3, James referred to D’Antoni as “an offensive mastermind,” a compliment that must send chills up the spine of Cleveland’s management.

Good stuff. Oh man – I can’t wait. When LeBron goes to the Knicks, I can change the web page colors! And Cavs fans will stop sending me hate mail! And, like most people, I hate the Knicks anyway, so it will be an easy transition.


LeBron continues bricklaying without a union card, cusses out his poor mom

12 May

Wow. So LeBron actually cussed out his mom on National TV. And he even admitted so much in a post-game interview. Yes, my friends, this actually happened.

Late in the first half, Pierce tried to wrap up James to prevent a breakaway dunk and the two of them spun into the expensive seats behind the basket, at which point James’ mother, Gloria, jumped into the fray to give Pierce a piece of her mind. Even as Pierce’s arms were wrapped around him, James was yelling at his mother to back away. “The commissioner doesn’t care if it’s your mother or your kids: You can’t allow fans and players to get involved with each other,” said James. “I told her to sit down in some language I shouldn’t have used. Thank god today wasn’t Mothers Day

Look, this is definitely hilarious, but I think LeBron actually did the right thing here, so I’m not going to rag on him too much. He was only doing what he had to do in order to protect Paul Pierce from his mom’s violent (and possibly drunken) rage. And in doing so, was also protecting his mom from the slammer. Commendable.

LeBron James vs. Gloria James

LeBron: $&#@!

KG: Dude! What the hell is wrong with you? Calm down and stop cussin’ out that poor lady!

LeBron: That’s my mom!

KG: Oh…

Paul Pierce: [instantly lets go of LeBron’s arm]

On to the game – the Celts somehow dropped another game on the road despite LeBron’s continued sucking (7-20 shooting, 5-8 at the line). The announcers were forced to fall back on the “even when it appears that LeBron sucks, he ‘creates’ and is therefore actually awesome” bullshit. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

Stats recap through four games:

From the floor: 20-78 (25%)

Percentage of points from free throws: 40

In pictogram form:

LeBron lays an egg against the CelticsLeBron lays an egg against the CelticsLeBron lays an egg against the CelticsLeBron lays an egg against the Celtics

Go back and read that “Is LeBron Underrated ?” article now (from a couple of posts ago). Yeah, that thing stood the test of time. He might want to rethink that whole “LeBron has no help from his anonymous loser teammates” part of the argument.


Jeff van Gundy is a tool, a clown, and a gump

10 May

No thanks to LeBron, the Cavs won a home game against the Celtics. Congrats, guys! You are now on the level of the mighty Atlanta Hawks! LeBron laid a third consecutive egg (5-16 shooting) and was predictably bailed out by the refs (8-12 from the line).

While the game itself (LeBron flopping, faking, charging) was bad, Jeff van Gundy was worse. He was absolutely unbearable. He was so bad that the five minutes he spent discussing Chinese-owned markets actually turned out to be the high point of his commentary. Anything to drown out the sound of LeBron loudly clanking jumpshots off of the front of the rim, I suppose – whether it’s LeBrown-nosing or irrelevant BS.

It’ really funny how it’s impossible to get anything resembling informative commentary from a game involving LeBron James. Jeff van Gundy simply refused to let up on LeBron glorification no. matter. what. TNT was so desperate for some LeBron magic that it had the nerve to run an obnoxious LeBron video montage right in the middle of a particularly bad stretch of his suckfest. This kind of crap validates my suspicion that there really is some kind of pro-LeBron agenda and a pro-LeBron script the announcers are asked to follow. How else would you explain the absurd timing of the montage? It was totally inappropriate, especially considering the amazing games Joe Smith and Delonte West were having. Why not a montage of Joe Smith nailing seven consecutive shots? Delonte West draining a bunch of threes? Guess TNT feels they have to throw the zombie horde some LeBron-flavored brains between beer commercials. Sadly, they’re probably right.


LeBron Leave-o-Meter

9 May

Check out the LeBron Leave-o-Meter/LeGone James Day countdown

This is a useful tool for Cavs fans. This is a much more useful tool for Knicks fans, Nets fan, and Jay Z.



8 May

Something occured to me as I was watching Mike Brown’s sideline interview during tonight’s game:

Mike Brown……………………………..Mr. Potato Head



8 May


– an arena full of spectators

Box Score:

OstrichLeBron lays an egg against the CelticsLeBron lays an egg against the CelticsLeBrickCeltics beat Lebron

(LeBron chokes again)

LeBron fun facts through game two of the Celtics series:

Humiliating blowouts suffered: 1

Shot percentage: 19% (8 for 42 )

Turnovers: 17

Percentage of total points from free throws: 52% (!)

Game-tying layups missed with 9 seconds left: 1

Stat whores live by the stat sheet, stat whores die by the stat sheet. LeBron is getting murdered by the stat sheet.

Considering LeBron’s humiliating chokefest, I (half) expected the announcers to finally get off LeBron’s nuts for a while, if only to spare him the public criticism he so obviously deserved. However, defying all common sense, the ESPN crew actually ramped up the LeBrown-nosing as the second half progressed! Unbelievable. The crew busted out multiple Jordan/Oscar Robertson comparisons and even brought up last year’s Pistons game three or four times. Pathetic. Here’s a novel idea, ESPN: why don’t you encourage your announcers to discuss the actual accomplishments of the winning players (at least while their victory is in progress!) instead of praising the past victories and imaginary future accomplishments of loser-ass LeBron James in the midst of his worst meltdown ever.

Best part of game 2? LeBron’s inability to do anything right. When LeBron realized he couldn’t make a jumpshot to save his life, he resorted to his patented blind bull-rush tactics. Unfortunately for LeBron, he also couldn’t make a layup to save his life. The Celtics then decided to pile into the paint and give LeBron free looks from the three-point line. He badly bricked every single wide-open shot. Good game plan, Celtics.

Most ridiculous part of game 2? With 6 seconds left on the game clock, the refs called travelling on the Celtics as they were walking the ball up the court. They actually blew the whistle and gave the ball back to the Cavs, who then had to walk out the clock themselves. Nice.

I hope the refs are such sticklers for the rules the next time LeBron shamelessly travels with 6 seconds remaining on the game clock. Jerks.