I Hate LeBron James.com

Hey everybody – great news!  LeBron has completely changed his personality in every conceivable way!  According to some AP staff writer that has been paid to rehabilitate LeBron’s public image, King James, no longer the arrogant douche he has been his entire life, HAS SOMEHOW BEEN HUMBLED UPON WINNING HIS 4TH MVP AWARD DESPITE THE FACT THAT IT WOULD MAKE ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE FOR HIM TO BE HUMBLED IN THIS SITUATION:

James said he was humbled to keep such company.

“I’m a historian of the game,” he said. “I know the game. I know these guys paved the way for myself and the rest of us.”

“I don’t know my ceiling,” James said. “I don’t stop trying to improve my game — just like today, being in here with Rio and Ray, the last guys to leave the court. I want to continue to maximize what I have.”

This shit is FUCKING AMAZING!  How could something so wonderful actually happen!?  THANK THE GOOD LORD….haaaang on, this doesn’t seem right.  FUCK.  I knew this was too good to be true.  Now that I am reading the actual words that came out of LeBron’s mouth and using my brain to decipher the meaning of said words, I think AP staff writer guy got it all wrong.  It turns out, LeBron was not actually humbled in any way, shape, or form.

This is a bit more accurate:

James said that he was not at all humbled to keep the company of a bunch of irrelevant geezers.

“I’m a historian of the game,” he said. “I know the game. I know old-timey guys like Hakeem Abdul-Jabbar and Magic Jordan paved the way for me to be way the fuck better in comparison.”

“At this moment, I cannot fathom the true extent of my awesomeness,” James said. “I don’t stop trying to improve my game — I want to continue to increase the number of personal accomplishments I can take credit for.”

LeBron added, stroking his massive bicep muscle, “for the record – it makes no sense for a human being to be humbled at the moment they are told for the fourth time in five years that they are best person in the entire world.  Therefore, consider me totally not humbled.”

At least he’s stopped speaking in the third person.  That’s something.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the 2013 NBA MVP:

Douche Incarnate

Sweet Jesus. Just from reading the first page of this pile of shit:

LeBron James is protected by God but also humbled by God (per Pat Riley):

The good Lord was saying, ‘LeBron, I’m going to help you through this night because you’re a nice person, and I’m going to give you 45 and 15. But as you walk off, I’m going to humble the heck out of you.’ And, you know what, that’s the best thing that could have happened.

Evidence of LeBron James’ humility (or rather: evidence that even God himself is incapable of humbling the Chosen One):

“I’m in a different place than other people,” he says. “That’s O.K. I understand. I was chosen for this. It’s my gift. It’s my responsibility.”

We need to be constantly reminded that LeBron James is Cleveland’s Jesus:

It was the story of his life. James [spent] seven years as a one-man stimulus package for a hard-bitten Rust Belt city

Thank GOD ALMIGHTLY that LeBron sacrificed for Cleveland by playing a fucking game there for SEVEN years. Seven years is like A MILLION YEARS! Every living soul in Cleveland should get down on their knees and thank LeBron James for their continued existence. At the center of every functioning economy is some douchebag wearing fashion glasses frantically dribbling basketballs.  This is ECON101, motherfuckers.

LeBron James – 2012 Sportsman of the Year.  LeBron James’ image rehabilitation is complete!  Speaking of image rehabilitation, does this bullshit commercial really expect us to believe that LeBron James goes out on the town and hangs out with common folk as part of his daily routine?  This is the same guy that told normal people to go back to their miserable non-millionaire lives after crashing out of the finals.  Also, to hell with famous people – Lebron once refused to allow a legendary photographer to speak to him directly.  But yeah, Lebron goes out and buys a bunch of kids ice cream cones and jokes around with dudes at the local barbershop. Sure.

Deadspin’s Anonymous PR guy had a few things to say about LeBron in a recent Q&A session:

So LeBron was already a full-fledged asshole at age 19. Not a shocking revelation, but mildly surprising considering it involves a fucking wheelchair kid.  I don’t like how the PR guy totally glosses over the whole Playboy Mansion thing, but I guess he has to hold back a few juicy tidbits for future posts.

Then it gets much, much better:

Wow. For those of you who have no idea what snowballing is – look it up, that is what the internet is for. Do a quick search and come back…

You back?  Good.  Pretty nasty, huh? The psychoanalysis on this doesn’t require an advanced degree  - LeBron is such a raging narcissist that he literally wants to blow himself. Obviously, this is impossible given that LeBron is not a contortionist (flopping aside) and I seriously doubt LeBron has a 28 inch wang (or he would have told us about it).  So he has to settle for snowballing.

Ga-ross.

Introducing the most comically overpriced signature shoe of all time – the Nike LEBRON X!  This tacky eyesore will set you back $315.  That’s more than a minimum wage worker makes in an entire week – and that’s before payroll taxes are deducted. The cost of Chinese child abuse/labor must be on the rise! Luckily, if you’re a total loser asshole willing to settle for second-best and miss the entire goddamned point of this thing, you can buy the poor person version of LeBron’s shoe for $180.

According to Nike, the shoe “is inspired, both aesthetically and metaphorically, by the diamond, a precious and nearly indestructible gemstone.”  I guess the shoe is metaphorically similar to a diamond in that that it is insanely overpriced in an artificial market and its procurement requires the injury and/or death of innocent children in the third world…cause I’m pretty sure this sweatshop piece of shit isn’t indestructible.

A pair of space-age Nike Air Flash Gordons

There is no doubt – LeBron is a world-class douchebag and he hates poor people.  Not that we needed any more proof.  Remember this?:

“At the end of the day, all of the people that were rooting for me to fail, tomorrow they’ll have to wake up and have the same life that [they had] before they woke up today. They got the same personal problems they had today and I’m going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things I want to do.”

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…HUH…WHUUUH?…oh hey there. Sorry, I was sleeping because TV (the only thing to do anymore) has been ruined by this thing called Olympics. Fortunately, it has not been completed ruined.  Although I was under the impression that this Olympics thing was just a bunch of grown men engaging in competitive water-splashing, I recently learned that a few actual ballgames are included. And wouldn’t you know it, McDonald’s All-American LeBron James made the USA men’s team for basketball! So far, LeBron James and Team USA have conquered all foreign enemies (which is totally good for American democracy *AND* democracy all around the world).

It hasn’t been perfectly smooth sailing - Team USA (or more accurately, the “Dream Team”) almost lost this one time, but not quite. Phew. Good thing LeBron is awesome at Olympics. Not as awesome as the international basketball superstar known as “L. Kleiza,” who scored 5 more points than LeBron, but awesome enough. Granted, L. Kleiza had the advantage of going up against the Dream Team’s sub-par defense and LeBron had to go up against Lithuania’s famous “Iron Curtain” defense. That’s probably why LeBron had zero assists.

I fully expect the Miami Heat to make a serious push for L. Kleiza this off-season…

Nike just wants to make it clear that the most coddled athlete in recent memory, one that refers to himself as “King James” and was anointed “The Chosen One” before graduating high school, has legitimately earned his ring. And it like totally TOTALLY wasn’t given to him. No way. In case somebody thinks that it was. But why would they? That’s CRAZY. So yeah, just in case – this shirt.

Have you ever seen a more defensive victory shirt in your life? Did Tom Brady and Bill Belichick wear a “We could have won without videotaping. Honestly, we could have.” shirt after winning a Superbowl?

You know what?  I kind of like this preemptive approach.  I’m going to walk into work tomorrow and declare at the staff meeting that I did NOT steal three cases of printer toner and sell them in the OfficeMax parking lot.  Just so everybody knows.

Good work, LeBron. Put that ring in your tiny little purse and take a fucking victory lap. Know in your heart that you are a TRUE champion. You never had to shamelessly take advantage of favorable treatment from the league and its sponsors to win.

You never had to betray your hometown and the fans that made you. You never had to resort to diving, browbeating the refs with incessant whining, or outright cheating. You never traveled and you never got away with a charge in the paint. You didn’t luck out when serious injuries to Derrick Rose and Joakim Noah removed the best team in the NBA from your playoff bracket. And you certainly never required the help of two or more all-stars to get the job done.  It was all you, bro. IT WAS ALL YOU.

Ugh. I’m pretty sure I’m still drunk. And I’m seriously thinking about putting some whiskey in my morning coffee to power back up to deal with this shit. First order of business – let’s get the morning headlines out of the way. Here is a sampling of some terrible headlines and groan-worthy puns:

The Chosen Won (SI)

Ring Him Up (ESPN)

The King Gets His Crown (SportingNews)

LeBron James passes on Cleveland question in post-game press conference (Cleveland Plain Dealer)

Champions! Heat Dominates Thunder (Miami Herald) – WEAK

It’s about Damn Time: LeBron and Heat Win NBA Title (USA Today)

King is Crowned (also USA Today)

“I can finally say I’m a champion”: Heat wing gives James elusive crown” (Washington Post)

A Three-Heated Title in Miami (LA Times) – whatever the fuck that means

King’s Coronation (Yahoo! Sports)

The Big Three Land One: Miami Heat Win NBA Championship (Orlando Sentinel)

Take a Load Off (FoxSports)

The King is Finally Crowned (MSNBC)

And so on, and so on. I only linked to the Cleveland story. If you’ve read one of the others, you’ve read them all.

Whatever – it finally happened. It just goes to show you that in America, if you are given every single opportunity to win and yet continue to fail, you can always sleaze your way into a superior position, enter a fucking cheat code, and beat everyone over the head with your unfair advantage.

I will probably post more when I stop throwing up and/or when LeBron starts dropping completely retarded quotes.

Only six more championships to go, LeBron…get back to work.

UPDATE: A bunch of NHL players agree with me that LeBron is an embarrassment to all of professional sports (from the twitters):

• Scott Valentine, a defenseman in the Predators’ system: “Oh my god guys, Lebron has a cramp, everyone get on their feet, standing O for somehow staying in the game.”

• Jets right wing Blake Wheeler: “I wonder what kind of face LeBron would make if he took a slapper off the laces?”

• Stars defenseman Alex Goligoski: “What a gutsy performance by lebron #not.”

• Ryan Potulny, a forward in the Capitals’ system: “Lebron James is embarrassing himself and the NBA or actually all athletes.”

Holy shit.  This series is a nightmare.  Not only are the Heat winning, which is unbearable in and of itself, but for some reason, the sports world has decided that LeBron is now clutch-as-fuck playoff MUNNY. As such, they refuse to acknowledge egregious examples of his late-game fuck-ups.  Perfect example – last night’s cramping episode. How in the world is LeBron not getting ripped to pieces for pulling himself out of the final minute of last night’s game due to cramps, the fakest and pussiest of all possible injuries?

Let’s recap the final minutes of game 4 from multiple perspectives.  You know, to be fair and shit.

LeBron falls down on a drive and coughs up the ball.

LeBron homer:  That was clearly the result of a terrible injury, because LeBron never screws up.

Non-retard: LeBron fell down because bumbling into the paint is his signature move.

LeBron looks up, realizes the Thunder have the ball, and stays down as the Thunder go on a break.

LeBron homer: Oh no, poor LeBron must be gravely injured!

Non-retard: What a fucking prima donna.  Typical LeBron.

The Heat quickly regain possession.  LeBron gets up, cherry picks, receives a pass, and scores a cheap basket.

LeBron homer: LeBron has somehow found the inner strength to battle through incredible pain in order to stand up and make a 4-foot bank shot! AMAZING!

Non-retard: Faker. Way to pick up the cheapest score ever, douchebag.

A few minutes later, after copious amounts of grimacing and limping and scowling, LeBron makes a three. Although he doesn’t appear to be limping as he’s handling the ball and going through his shooting motion, he hobbles all the way back down the court after making the shot.

LeBron homer: OH MY GOD. Better than Jordan! BETTER THAN JORDAN!

Non-retard: How convenient. Where was that limp when was handling the ball prior to the shot?  What a goddamned drama queen.  *Sigh*

LeBron misses a three-pointer with 1:15 left in the game.  He immediately pulls himself out of a one possession game with under a minute remaining.

LeBron homer: It is a miracle LeBron has played this long through the pain.  What a beast.  There is no way that missed shot had anything to do with the timing of his exit. Pure coincidence. LeBron never shies away from a chance to take control in the final seconds of the game.

Non-retard: What kind of pussy superstar takes themselves out of a one score game with under a minute remaining?

* * *

Anyone paying attention to LeBron’s career knows that not only does he fail to deliver in the clutch, he actively avoids pressure situations altogether. The moment LeBron missed the three-pointer that would have made it a 6 point game, he realized that he would almost certainly be expected to do something important at the end of the game. So he quit. Plain and simple.

Lucky for him, the oscar-worthy bullshit display he had been putting on gave him the cover he needed.

By running to the safety of the bench, LeBron completely avoided the possibility of yet another humiliating fourth quarter fuck-up. There would be no embarrassing bricks at the buzzer, no fraidy cat passes out of the final shot…BECAUSE HE WAS ON THE BENCH LEAVING THE GAME IN THE HANDS OF SUPER MARIO FUCKING CHALMERS.

If you don’t buy this interpretation, I guess you have to accept that LeBron possesses the pain threshold of a toddler and is willing to bail on his team because he is a total weakling. I have no idea how any sportwriter could possible write a piece praising LeBron’s toughness after watching last night’s clown show. I don’t know where those dickheads grew up (Candyland?), but where Bernard G. Watkins grew up (Southeast DC), kind of playing through cramps for a little while before giving up shortly thereafter isn’t tough. It’s pussy as all shit.

I’ll leave you all with some examples of actual toughness, in case you still don’t get it:

Byron Leftwich told the X-Ray to go fuck itself and played three whole quarters of FOOTBALL with a goddamned BROKEN TIBIA.

This 75 pound girl SPRINTED and then did a bunch of FLIPS AND SHIT with an extremely BUSTED ANKLE SHE COULDN'T EVEN STAND ON.

Willis Reed helped the Knicks win a championship by refusing to sit out game 7 with his THIGH MUSCLE TORN TO RIBBONS.

Ronnie Lott had his finger AMPUTATED (AS IN REMOVED FROM HIS BODY FOREVER) rather than miss a game.

LeBron may not be able to hit a clutch jumper to save his life, but that dude has perfected the art of cheating in the clutch.  Think about how many games he has closed out with a perfectly executed illegal move or sneaky foul.  ”The Travel” was a game-winner, folks.  And so was his push-off on Durant at the end of last night’s game, which ultimately resulted in an intentional foul and two more FTs for LeBron.  The truth is revealed by the replay angle at :36:

LeBron has blossomed into one of the craftiest, effective cheaters in the league.  If there was a rating in NBA2K for cheating technique, LeBron would have a 98.  But only because they never give out 99s.

Lord of the Rings and Seattle SuperSonics references included.