LeBroning is a thing

16 Jan

Planking, owling, Tebowing, Griffining and now…Lebroning.

Invented by South American soccer players, popularized by Coach K’s undersized white kids at Duke University, perfected by the greatest basketball player of our generation – 6′ 8″, 250 lb. LeBron James.

LeBroning


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LeBron a big fan of Gordon Gekko?

6 Nov

Breaking news from 2012 – LeBron James frequently checks into hotels under the name Gordon Gekko.  Does LeBron identify with the #1 icon of cutthroat capitalist douchebaggery?  Or is he just showing off his wacky/zany brand of pop culture-based humor?  Is this LeBron’s Ron Mexico?  Or simply an homage to Pat Riley, the Gordon Gekko of the NBA?

Who knows?  Who cares?

 

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Huge update

29 Oct

Another NBA season is upon us. Here comes a never-ending stream of completely boring and meaningless basketball games for us to ignore for months at a time!  Thousand years from now, the playoffs will begin, at which time we will watch a few playoff games, realize those are also pretty boring, and then wait for LeBron to flop his way to games 4-7 of the NBA finals, watch those, realize basketball is a flawed joke of a sport, and then go to sleep in the 3rd quarter.  The end.

Anyhow, in order to do my due diligence as continuing part-time owner of and giver of at least one partial fuck about ihatelebronjames.com, I will get you retarded bunch of 14 year-olds up to speed on all the recent shit you’ve already heard about LeBron..

First, LeBron’s feet are *completely* jacked, probably because he was already 25 when he graduated high school and is now very, very old.  This:

LeBron is gross.

 

Second, Jordan threw the rabid hyena/sportswriter hybrids of the world a raw 72 oz. porterhouse when he claimed that he would have beaten LeBron in a game of 1 on 1 in his prime.  Jordan quickly clarified that he meant no disrespect to LeBron, primarily because he was merely telling the truth (it is nearly universally acknowledged that Jordan is the greatest of all time, possesses a dramatically better jump shot than LeBron, and that LeBron would have been unable to utilize his go-to flop move in a game of 1-on-1).

Finally, LeBron still thinks he can play in the NFL/wants to play in the NFL (please, please do).  Oh yeah – a bunch of guys said a bunch of things about free agency and it was totally boring.  And Nike shoes are being sold in stores.

 

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More of this shit…

18 Jul

LeBron terrible tuxedo at ESPYs

Hey! Anybody out there give a shit?

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LeBron still hates handicapped kids

26 Jun

For all the idiots who can’t understand all the hate directed at LeBron, here is a nice cut-and-dry example for you – LeBron mistreating a kid in a wheelchair. LeBron is such a douche that he can’t even *pretend* to be nice to handicapped kids at public events. From UFC fighter Chael Sonnen:

Let me tell you a story about LeBron. He asked the UFC for tickets for my fight against Anderson Silva. We sit the guy front row, and all through the night he snubs our fans. He’s a guest in our house and he refuses to sign any autographs or take any pictures unless your cup size was later in the alphabet than he was able to learn.

I had a UFC employee tell me he saw a mother wheel her handicapped child up to him to get a picture. Lebron was walking towards them. When he reached the kid, the mother stopped the wheelchair. Lebron took the wheelchair, wheeled it out of the way and kept walking.

Next time I see him he will shake that little boy’s hand, even if I have to break his arm off and take it to the boy.

Note that this is the second story about LeBron pushing a kid in a wheelchair out of his way. Great guy, that LeBron James.

 

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LeBron Enshrined in the NBA Hall of Fame!

21 Jun

Hall of Famer LeBron James! Write it down right now. Cause it’s a done deal.

Guys…he just won his second title. He. Won. Two. Titles.

Motherfucking TWO. Seriously. Add that shit up. It adds up to TWO.

This is seriously blowing my mind. I never thought this was possible in my wildest dreams. The way LeBron does so much with so little – SO, SO AWESOME. Here is the official list of best players ever ranked by NBA titles (you’ll notice LeBron now sits atop this list):

 LeBron makes stupid faces

Rank

Player

Team(s)

Count

1

LeBron James

MIA

2

2

Bill Russell*

BOS

11

3

Sam Jones*

BOS

10

4

John Havlicek*

BOS

8

Tom Heinsohn*

BOS

8

K.C. Jones*

BOS

8

Tom Sanders

BOS

8

8

Robert Horry

HOU/LAL/SAS

7

Frank Ramsey*

BOS

7

10

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar*

MIL/LAL

6

Bob Cousy*

BOS

6

Michael Jordan*

CHI

6

Jim Loscutoff

BOS

6

Scottie Pippen*

CHI

6

14

Kobe Bryant

LAL

5

Michael Cooper

LAL

5

Derek Fisher

LAL

5

Ron Harper

CHI/LAL

5

Magic Johnson*

LAL

5

Steve Kerr

CHI/SAS

5

Slater Martin*

MNL/STL

5

George Mikan*

MNL

5

Don Nelson

BOS

5

Jim Pollard*

MNL

5

Dennis Rodman*

DET/CHI

5

Larry Siegfried

BOS

5

26

Tim Duncan

SAS

4

Horace Grant

CHI/LAL

4

Vern Mikkelsen*

MNL

4

Shaquille O’Neal

LAL/MIA

4

Robert Parish*

BOS/CHI

4

Will Perdue

CHI/SAS

4

Kurt Rambis

LAL

4

John Salley

DET/CHI/LAL

4

Pep Saul

ROC/MNL

4

Bill Sharman*

BOS

4

36

B.J. Armstrong

CHI

3

Larry Bird*

BOS

3

Bruce Bowen

SAS

3

Randy Brown

CHI

3

Jud Buechler

CHI

3

Bill Cartwright

CHI

3

Sam Cassell

HOU/BOS

3

Gene Conley

BOS

3

James Edwards

DET/CHI

3

Mario Elie

HOU/SAS

3

Rick Fox

LAL

3

Devean George

LAL

3

Manu Ginobili

SAS

3

A.C. Green

LAL

3

Bob Harrison

MNL

3

Udonis Haslem

MIA

3

Gerald Henderson

BOS/DET

3

Dennis Johnson*

SEA/BOS

3

Stacey King

CHI

3

Toni Kukoc

CHI

3

Luc Longley

CHI

3

Clyde Lovellette*

MNL/BOS

3

Kevin McHale*

BOS

3

Willie Naulls

BOS

3

Tony Parker

SAS

3

John Paxson

CHI

3

Byron Scott

LAL

3

Brian Shaw

LAL

3

Paul Silas

BOS/SEA

3

Dwyane Wade

MIA

3

Jamaal Wilkes*

GSW/LAL

3

Scott Williams

CHI

3

James Worthy*

LAL

3

Compelling.

After reviewing this list, it should be clear to anyone with a brain  - LeBron is in the motherfucking Hall of Fame.

If you don’t get it, it’s no big deal. The sportswriters of American will provide you with about 10,000 totally insightful “Is LeBron now a shoo-in for the Hall of Fame!?” articles for the next month. They will teach you.

I can’t wait for some fresh perspectives on the matter!

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AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAA!

12 Jun

Spurs win by 36? Are you kidding me? Wow.

These guys:

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LeBron is humbled by 4th MVP award, can’t fathom the extent of his awesomeness

5 May

Hey everybody – great news!  LeBron has completely changed his personality in every conceivable way!  According to some AP staff writer that has been paid to rehabilitate LeBron’s public image, King James, no longer the arrogant douche he has been his entire life, HAS SOMEHOW BEEN HUMBLED UPON WINNING HIS 4TH MVP AWARD DESPITE THE FACT THAT IT WOULD MAKE ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE FOR HIM TO BE HUMBLED IN THIS SITUATION:

James said he was humbled to keep such company.

“I’m a historian of the game,” he said. “I know the game. I know these guys paved the way for myself and the rest of us.”

“I don’t know my ceiling,” James said. “I don’t stop trying to improve my game — just like today, being in here with Rio and Ray, the last guys to leave the court. I want to continue to maximize what I have.”

This shit is FUCKING AMAZING!  How could something so wonderful actually happen!?  THANK THE GOOD LORD….haaaang on, this doesn’t seem right.  FUCK.  I knew this was too good to be true.  Now that I am reading the actual words that came out of LeBron’s mouth and using my brain to decipher the meaning of said words, I think AP staff writer guy got it all wrong.  It turns out, LeBron was not actually humbled in any way, shape, or form.

This is a bit more accurate:

James said that he was not at all humbled to keep the company of a bunch of irrelevant geezers.

“I’m a historian of the game,” he said. “I know the game. I know old-timey guys like Hakeem Abdul-Jabbar and Magic Jordan paved the way for me to be way the fuck better in comparison.”

“At this moment, I cannot fathom the true extent of my awesomeness,” James said. “I don’t stop trying to improve my game — I want to continue to increase the number of personal accomplishments I can take credit for.”

LeBron added, stroking his massive bicep muscle, “for the record – it makes no sense for a human being to be humbled at the moment they are told for the fourth time in five years that they are best person in the entire world.  Therefore, consider me totally not humbled.”

At least he’s stopped speaking in the third person.  That’s something.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the 2013 NBA MVP:

LeBron Fashion Glasses Sweater

 

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2012 Sportsman of the Year

3 Dec

SI LeBron James

Douche Incarnate

 

Sweet Jesus. Just from reading the first page of this pile of shit:

LeBron James is protected by God but also humbled by God (per Pat Riley):

The good Lord was saying, ‘LeBron, I’m going to help you through this night because you’re a nice person, and I’m going to give you 45 and 15. But as you walk off, I’m going to humble the heck out of you.’ And, you know what, that’s the best thing that could have happened.

Evidence of LeBron James’ humility (or rather: evidence that even God himself is incapable of humbling the Chosen One):

“I’m in a different place than other people,” he says. “That’s O.K. I understand. I was chosen for this. It’s my gift. It’s my responsibility.”

We need to be constantly reminded that LeBron James is Cleveland’s Jesus:

It was the story of his life. James [spent] seven years as a one-man stimulus package for a hard-bitten Rust Belt city

Thank GOD ALMIGHTLY that LeBron sacrificed for Cleveland by playing a fucking game there for SEVEN years. Seven years is like A MILLION YEARS! Every living soul in Cleveland should get down on their knees and thank LeBron James for their continued existence. At the center of every functioning economy is some douchebag wearing fashion glasses frantically dribbling basketballs.  This is ECON101, motherfuckers.

LeBron James – 2012 Sportsman of the Year.  LeBron James’ image rehabilitation is complete!  Speaking of image rehabilitation, does this bullshit commercial really expect us to believe that LeBron James goes out on the town and hangs out with common folk as part of his daily routine?  This is the same guy that told normal people to go back to their miserable non-millionaire lives after crashing out of the finals.  Also, to hell with famous people – Lebron once refused to allow a legendary photographer to speak to him directly.  But yeah, Lebron goes out and buys a bunch of kids ice cream cones and jokes around with dudes at the local barbershop. Sure.

 

 

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Self-obsessed LeBron can’t blow himself, settles for snowballing

28 Aug

Deadspin’s Anonymous PR guy had a few things to say about LeBron in a recent Q&A session:

LeBron is a total dick

 

So LeBron was already a full-fledged asshole at age 19. Not a shocking revelation, but mildly surprising considering it involves a fucking wheelchair kid.  I don’t like how the PR guy totally glosses over the whole Playboy Mansion thing, but I guess he has to hold back a few juicy tidbits for future posts.

Then it gets much, much better:

lebron likes snowballing

Wow. For those of you who have no idea what snowballing is – look it up, that is what the internet is for. Do a quick search and come back…

You back?  Good.  Pretty nasty, huh? The psychoanalysis on this doesn’t require an advanced degree  - LeBron is such a raging narcissist that he literally wants to blow himself. Obviously, this is impossible given that LeBron is not a contortionist (flopping aside) and I seriously doubt LeBron has a 28 inch wang (or he would have told us about it).  So he has to settle for snowballing.

Ga-ross.

 

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