LeBron opts out of his Cavs contract

29 Jun

LeBron opts out of Cavs contract

Debt paid, motherfuckers.  Just some technicalities to take care of?  Guess we’ll find out.

 

 

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Of fucking course

20 Jun

I called this shit.

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The Importance of Hating LeBron James

6 Jun

To absolutely nobody’s surprise, LeBron James has the stupid fucking Heat…err…Cavaliers back in the finals. But it ain’t looking good for LeBron and friends. The Cavs have lost the first two games in the series and appear to be outmatched. LeBron is struggling with turnovers. Normally, I would be super-excited about the possibility of LeBron suffering a humiliating sweep.  But instead I feel….uh…not much of anything.

*yawn*

Let’s face it, hating LeBron has been easy and boring for some time now and it no longer has anything to do with LeBron winning or losing.  I’m bored of it all.  Hell – I’ve been doing this shit forever.  The Undefeated (a real internet site that people go to) reminded me just how long I’ve been on the scene with a quick mention in a piece about the interesting love/hate relationship NBA fans have with LeBron:

In 2008 — long before The Decision — the website “Ihatelebronjames.com” was launched, spewing extreme disdain for James. On Twitter there’s a hashtag, #teampetty, started by a basketball fan in Miami, the place that James helped win two NBA titles. And there’s a Facebook group called “LeBron James Haters United” that, as of this week, has more than 47,000 likes.

It has taken almost a decade, but it appears that us haters have won the war. Or have we?  A terrifying thought occurred to me the other day as I was smoking my bedtime opium – if the sad old man who started ihatelebronjames.com is losing interest in LeBron hating during these NBA finals, how complacent has the average hater become?

This is a problem.

I get it. LeBron hating is now a permanent fixture in our society. It’s no longer edgy. LeBron’s insane return to Cleveland introduced a whole slew of mixed feelings into what was already a complex emotional equation. And the emergence of Steph Curry, a once-in-a-generation annoying prick, has complicated matters even further. It is difficult to actively hate LeBron James when he faces off against that doucebag. Many of us probably sit around thinking that someone else will do the hating for us.  Hey – we can take a day or a season off every now and then, right? Somebody will cover for us, right? Wrong. I’m here to remind you that this type of thinking is dangerous. We can’t take anything for granted. Consider this – there was a time when the entire city of Cleveland joined hands with LeBron haters and sung Kumbaya around a campfire lit with millions of LeBron James jerseys. Dan Gilbert played guitar and sang his fucking heart out.

You all know what happened next.

I am here to remind you to stay vigilant, haters. The world will need you when LeBron generates the biggest sportsgasm in the history of earth when he turns the 2015 Golden State Warriors into the 2007 New England Patriots.

[vomits]

 

 

 

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*MASSIVE* UPDATE / LeBron continues to grow as a person

16 Dec

I just stumbled across this gem on the internet and I had to share it. Wow. This guy runs shit.  There is no doubt about it.

So there – I posted something new. For those of you who wonder why I haven’t been posting lately – in case you haven’t noticed, I hate LeBron James’ guts! So naturally, I hate typing shit up about him. I do feel a bit guilty, tho. Let’s get this website up to speed with a summary of all the stuff I missed:

– LeBron was forgiven by the city of Cleveland. FOR REAL!

– LeBron took the Cavs to the finals…and lost.  IT’S LIKE HE NEVER LEFT!

– LeBron continues to dominate.  THIS GUY IS REALLY REALLY GOOD AT SPORTS!

– LeBron has developed the ability to reverse male pattern baldness through sheer force of will.  FUCKING AMAZING!

Stay tuned for more!

 

 

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Billboard Trolling…

25 Sep

 

Trolling LeBron in Akron, Ohio via billboard

ESPN’s Dan Le Batard trolls Akron (in comic sans, of course) and gets suspended for his trouble.  Read about it here.

 

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UNBURN THOSE EFFIGIES!!!

15 Jul

Oh my. LeBron has crawled back to his plain Jane sadsack of a wife after nailing a magnificent South Beach skank for a few carefree years. One question remains – will that sadsack wife ever truly let him back into her heart?

The answer – apparently so.  With no hesitation.

Ike and Tina are back together!

 

Water under the bridge:

 

 

 

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When the going gets tough (redux)…

6 Jun

…this:

LeBron suffers "cramps" in game 1 of the NBA finals

4th quarter cramps. Oh, the irony. The A/C goes out in Game 1 of the NBA Finals and the Miami HEAT ‘s biggest bigshot can’t take the heat (in excess of 87 degrees).

Or can he?

It may not surprise you to hear that I’m not buying what LeBron’s selling. Not for a second. In LeBron’s Swiss Army knife of excuses, “cramps” is the corkscrew, the nail file, and all of the murder knives.

I guess “my pinky finger” is the fish scaler and “the rest of my team/Cleveland sucks” is the little scissors.

While I continue to find LeBron’s BS comical, I have to admit that he has gotten a lot better at deflecting responsibility since his ham-fisted “pass the game-winning shot to Donyell Marshall” days. He is now a crafty veteran who knows how to set the table.

Let’s think about what happens next. If the Heat win, LeBron gets bonus points for overcoming debilitating menstrual cramps. He will be considered clutch as shit for overcoming adversity and his legend will grow. On the other hand, if the Heat lose, LeBron can’t be held responsible because he was bravely fighting through injury for the good of his team. His stats will look great on paper and his legend will grow. Articles will be written with headlines like “Despite Finals Loss, LeBron’s Efficiency at All-Time High.”

LeBron Bull Charge

LeBron knows his jump shot has maxed-out. His bull-charge won’t work forever. But he can continue to develop his blame game until the day he retires. And he is doing just that. He is no longer making excuses, he is making pre-excuses.  He is moving from the reactive to the proactive.

I’m guessing LeBron is a student of  history. Like all greats, he is smart enough to respect and emulate the trailblazers that came before him. He’s said as much in interviews. To that point, I’d like to turn your attention to tennis great Pete Sampras, a major innovator in the area of excuse-making. For all you kids out there, Pete Sampras perfected the use of the pre-excuse in the 90s by pretending to be sick or injured before every single tournament he entered. Really. He probably actually overcame the flu once to win a tournament, got blown by every sports journalist in town, and then was all like MOTHERFUCKING LIGHT BULB.

LeBron is walking a well-worn path. True, any non-retard should be able to see right through this shit, but LeBron knows his audience is a bunch of retard homers.  He’s set his strategy accordingly. Let’s see how it plays out.

PS: Deja vu – I’m pretty sure I have written this exact same shit three or four times. Also, for the record, Ray Allen is 53 and had no trouble running the court and dunking on people without cramping up.

 

 

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Dear Matt Lieb, Apologize *right now* you libelous jerk…

25 Apr

GODDAMNED IT. I was sitting alone (in the dark) in my mom’s basement (being fat, white, and old) and not getting laid (because I spend all my time being jealous of LeBron James and how awesome he is at basketball) when I received this BULLSHIT from my only friend (my mom):

Deadspin Matt Lieb LeBron Video

What. The. Fuck.

I get it, famous comedian Matt Lieb – satire and all that. But how TRAGICALLY ironic is it that you lumped the ORIGINAL LeBron James hater and the lone motherfucker to ACTUALLY REGISTER IHATELEBRONJAMES.COM back in the day with all of these bandwagon haters?

Okay – maybe singling me out is part of the joke and this piece of satire is even more well-researched and brilliant than it initially appears. In order to be truly authentic, any hater of LeBron bandwagon haters would have to be hating on LeBron James prior to the existence of ihatelebronjames.com.  But even if this is the case, it’s way too obscure for the typical Deadspin reader to appreciate and is therefore ultimately harmful the actual living, breathing, and shitting real-life version of the sad sack main character of this video – ME.

I have nothing, I live in my mom’s basement, and I have sold two ihatelbronjames.com t-shirts in the last three years (one was returned). Zazzle, LeBron-loving douches that they are, even pulled my BEST designs from their dumb store. This site makes no money and pretty much sucks. I forget to post about most of the terrible shit LeBron does. My grammar isn’t even bad in a funny wonkette kind of way. It’s just bad. And now you’ve gone and fucked my rep on an actual real website.

So thanks, Matt Lieb.  Thanks a whole fucking ton.  I demand an apology.

Sincerely,

Bernard G. Watkins

PS: I’m waiting.

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LeBroning is a thing

16 Jan

Planking, owling, Tebowing, Griffining and now…Lebroning.

Invented by South American soccer players, popularized by Coach K’s undersized white kids at Duke University, perfected by the greatest basketball player of our generation – 6′ 8″, 250 lb. LeBron James.

LeBroning


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LeBron a big fan of Gordon Gekko?

6 Nov

Breaking news from 2012 – LeBron James frequently checks into hotels under the name Gordon Gekko.  Does LeBron identify with the #1 icon of cutthroat capitalist douchebaggery?  Or is he just showing off his wacky/zany brand of pop culture-based humor?  Is this LeBron’s Ron Mexico?  Or simply an homage to Pat Riley, the Gordon Gekko of the NBA?

Who knows?  Who cares?

 

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