Billboard Trolling…

25 Sep

 

Trolling LeBron in Akron, Ohio via billboard

ESPN’s Dan Le Batard trolls Akron (in comic sans, of course) and gets suspended for his trouble.  Read about it here.

 

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UNBURN THOSE EFFIGIES!!!

15 Jul

Oh my. LeBron has crawled back to his plain Jane sadsack of a wife after nailing a magnificent South Beach skank for a few carefree years. One question remains – will that sadsack wife ever truly let him back into her heart?

The answer – apparently so.  With no hesitation.

Ike and Tina are back together!

 

Water under the bridge:

 

 

 

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When the going gets tough (redux)…

6 Jun

…this:

LeBron suffers "cramps" in game 1 of the NBA finals

4th quarter cramps. Oh, the irony. The A/C goes out in Game 1 of the NBA Finals and the Miami HEAT ’s biggest bigshot can’t take the heat (in excess of 87 degrees).

Or can he?

It may not surprise you to hear that I’m not buying what LeBron’s selling. Not for a second. In LeBron’s Swiss Army knife of excuses, “cramps” is the corkscrew, the nail file, and all of the murder knives.

I guess “my pinky finger” is the fish scaler and “the rest of my team/Cleveland sucks” is the little scissors.

While I continue to find LeBron’s BS comical, I have to admit that he has gotten a lot better at deflecting responsibility since his ham-fisted “pass the game-winning shot to Donyell Marshall” days. He is now a crafty veteran who knows how to set the table.

Let’s think about what happens next. If the Heat win, LeBron gets bonus points for overcoming debilitating menstrual cramps. He will be considered clutch as shit for overcoming adversity and his legend will grow. On the other hand, if the Heat lose, LeBron can’t be held responsible because he was bravely fighting through injury for the good of his team. His stats will look great on paper and his legend will grow. Articles will be written with headlines like “Despite Finals Loss, LeBron’s Efficiency at All-Time High.”

LeBron Bull Charge

LeBron knows his jump shot has maxed-out. His bull-charge won’t work forever. But he can continue to develop his blame game until the day he retires. And he is doing just that. He is no longer making excuses, he is making pre-excuses.  He is moving from the reactive to the proactive.

I’m guessing LeBron is a student of  history. Like all greats, he is smart enough to respect and emulate the trailblazers that came before him. He’s said as much in interviews. To that point, I’d like to turn your attention to tennis great Pete Sampras, a major innovator in the area of excuse-making. For all you kids out there, Pete Sampras perfected the use of the pre-excuse in the 90s by pretending to be sick or injured before every single tournament he entered. Really. He probably actually overcame the flu once to win a tournament, got blown by every sports journalist in town, and then was all like MOTHERFUCKING LIGHT BULB.

LeBron is walking a well-worn path. True, any non-retard should be able to see right through this shit, but LeBron knows his audience is a bunch of retard homers.  He’s set his strategy accordingly. Let’s see how it plays out.

PS: Deja vu – I’m pretty sure I have written this exact same shit three or four times. Also, for the record, Ray Allen is 53 and had no trouble running the court and dunking on people without cramping up.

 

 

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Dear Matt Lieb, Apologize *right now* you libelous jerk…

25 Apr

GODDAMNED IT. I was sitting alone (in the dark) in my mom’s basement (being fat, white, and old) and not getting laid (because I spend all my time being jealous of LeBron James and how awesome he is at basketball) when I received this BULLSHIT from my only friend (my mom):

Deadspin Matt Lieb LeBron Video

What. The. Fuck.

I get it, famous comedian Matt Lieb – satire and all that. But how TRAGICALLY ironic is it that you lumped the ORIGINAL LeBron James hater and the lone motherfucker to ACTUALLY REGISTER IHATELEBRONJAMES.COM back in the day with all of these bandwagon haters?

Okay – maybe singling me out is part of the joke and this piece of satire is even more well-researched and brilliant than it initially appears. In order to be truly authentic, any hater of LeBron bandwagon haters would have to be hating on LeBron James prior to the existence of ihatelebronjames.com.  But even if this is the case, it’s way too obscure for the typical Deadspin reader to appreciate and is therefore ultimately harmful the actual living, breathing, and shitting real-life version of the sad sack main character of this video – ME.

I have nothing, I live in my mom’s basement, and I have sold two ihatelbronjames.com t-shirts in the last three years (one was returned). Zazzle, LeBron-loving douches that they are, even pulled my BEST designs from their dumb store. This site makes no money and pretty much sucks. I forget to post about most of the terrible shit LeBron does. My grammar isn’t even bad in a funny wonkette kind of way. It’s just bad. And now you’ve gone and fucked my rep on an actual real website.

So thanks, Matt Lieb.  Thanks a whole fucking ton.  I demand an apology.

Sincerely,

Bernard G. Watkins

PS: I’m waiting.

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LeBroning is a thing

16 Jan

Planking, owling, Tebowing, Griffining and now…Lebroning.

Invented by South American soccer players, popularized by Coach K’s undersized white kids at Duke University, perfected by the greatest basketball player of our generation – 6′ 8″, 250 lb. LeBron James.

LeBroning


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LeBron a big fan of Gordon Gekko?

6 Nov

Breaking news from 2012 – LeBron James frequently checks into hotels under the name Gordon Gekko.  Does LeBron identify with the #1 icon of cutthroat capitalist douchebaggery?  Or is he just showing off his wacky/zany brand of pop culture-based humor?  Is this LeBron’s Ron Mexico?  Or simply an homage to Pat Riley, the Gordon Gekko of the NBA?

Who knows?  Who cares?

 

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Huge update

29 Oct

Another NBA season is upon us. Here comes a never-ending stream of completely boring and meaningless basketball games for us to ignore for months at a time!  Thousand years from now, the playoffs will begin, at which time we will watch a few playoff games, realize those are also pretty boring, and then wait for LeBron to flop his way to games 4-7 of the NBA finals, watch those, realize basketball is a flawed joke of a sport, and then go to sleep in the 3rd quarter.  The end.

Anyhow, in order to do my due diligence as continuing part-time owner of and giver of at least one partial fuck about ihatelebronjames.com, I will get you retarded bunch of 14 year-olds up to speed on all the recent shit you’ve already heard about LeBron..

First, LeBron’s feet are *completely* jacked, probably because he was already 25 when he graduated high school and is now very, very old.  This:

LeBron is gross.

 

Second, Jordan threw the rabid hyena/sportswriter hybrids of the world a raw 72 oz. porterhouse when he claimed that he would have beaten LeBron in a game of 1 on 1 in his prime.  Jordan quickly clarified that he meant no disrespect to LeBron, primarily because he was merely telling the truth (it is nearly universally acknowledged that Jordan is the greatest of all time, possesses a dramatically better jump shot than LeBron, and that LeBron would have been unable to utilize his go-to flop move in a game of 1-on-1).

Finally, LeBron still thinks he can play in the NFL/wants to play in the NFL (please, please do).  Oh yeah – a bunch of guys said a bunch of things about free agency and it was totally boring.  And Nike shoes are being sold in stores.

 

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More of this shit…

18 Jul

LeBron terrible tuxedo at ESPYs

Hey! Anybody out there give a shit?

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LeBron still hates handicapped kids

26 Jun

For all the idiots who can’t understand all the hate directed at LeBron, here is a nice cut-and-dry example for you – LeBron mistreating a kid in a wheelchair. LeBron is such a douche that he can’t even *pretend* to be nice to handicapped kids at public events. From UFC fighter Chael Sonnen:

Let me tell you a story about LeBron. He asked the UFC for tickets for my fight against Anderson Silva. We sit the guy front row, and all through the night he snubs our fans. He’s a guest in our house and he refuses to sign any autographs or take any pictures unless your cup size was later in the alphabet than he was able to learn.

I had a UFC employee tell me he saw a mother wheel her handicapped child up to him to get a picture. Lebron was walking towards them. When he reached the kid, the mother stopped the wheelchair. Lebron took the wheelchair, wheeled it out of the way and kept walking.

Next time I see him he will shake that little boy’s hand, even if I have to break his arm off and take it to the boy.

Note that this is the second story about LeBron pushing a kid in a wheelchair out of his way. Great guy, that LeBron James.

 

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LeBron Enshrined in the NBA Hall of Fame!

21 Jun

Hall of Famer LeBron James! Write it down right now. Cause it’s a done deal.

Guys…he just won his second title. He. Won. Two. Titles.

Motherfucking TWO. Seriously. Add that shit up. It adds up to TWO.

This is seriously blowing my mind. I never thought this was possible in my wildest dreams. The way LeBron does so much with so little – SO, SO AWESOME. Here is the official list of best players ever ranked by NBA titles (you’ll notice LeBron now sits atop this list):

 LeBron makes stupid faces

Rank

Player

Team(s)

Count

1

LeBron James

MIA

2

2

Bill Russell*

BOS

11

3

Sam Jones*

BOS

10

4

John Havlicek*

BOS

8

Tom Heinsohn*

BOS

8

K.C. Jones*

BOS

8

Tom Sanders

BOS

8

8

Robert Horry

HOU/LAL/SAS

7

Frank Ramsey*

BOS

7

10

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar*

MIL/LAL

6

Bob Cousy*

BOS

6

Michael Jordan*

CHI

6

Jim Loscutoff

BOS

6

Scottie Pippen*

CHI

6

14

Kobe Bryant

LAL

5

Michael Cooper

LAL

5

Derek Fisher

LAL

5

Ron Harper

CHI/LAL

5

Magic Johnson*

LAL

5

Steve Kerr

CHI/SAS

5

Slater Martin*

MNL/STL

5

George Mikan*

MNL

5

Don Nelson

BOS

5

Jim Pollard*

MNL

5

Dennis Rodman*

DET/CHI

5

Larry Siegfried

BOS

5

26

Tim Duncan

SAS

4

Horace Grant

CHI/LAL

4

Vern Mikkelsen*

MNL

4

Shaquille O’Neal

LAL/MIA

4

Robert Parish*

BOS/CHI

4

Will Perdue

CHI/SAS

4

Kurt Rambis

LAL

4

John Salley

DET/CHI/LAL

4

Pep Saul

ROC/MNL

4

Bill Sharman*

BOS

4

36

B.J. Armstrong

CHI

3

Larry Bird*

BOS

3

Bruce Bowen

SAS

3

Randy Brown

CHI

3

Jud Buechler

CHI

3

Bill Cartwright

CHI

3

Sam Cassell

HOU/BOS

3

Gene Conley

BOS

3

James Edwards

DET/CHI

3

Mario Elie

HOU/SAS

3

Rick Fox

LAL

3

Devean George

LAL

3

Manu Ginobili

SAS

3

A.C. Green

LAL

3

Bob Harrison

MNL

3

Udonis Haslem

MIA

3

Gerald Henderson

BOS/DET

3

Dennis Johnson*

SEA/BOS

3

Stacey King

CHI

3

Toni Kukoc

CHI

3

Luc Longley

CHI

3

Clyde Lovellette*

MNL/BOS

3

Kevin McHale*

BOS

3

Willie Naulls

BOS

3

Tony Parker

SAS

3

John Paxson

CHI

3

Byron Scott

LAL

3

Brian Shaw

LAL

3

Paul Silas

BOS/SEA

3

Dwyane Wade

MIA

3

Jamaal Wilkes*

GSW/LAL

3

Scott Williams

CHI

3

James Worthy*

LAL

3

Compelling.

After reviewing this list, it should be clear to anyone with a brain  - LeBron is in the motherfucking Hall of Fame.

If you don’t get it, it’s no big deal. The sportswriters of American will provide you with about 10,000 totally insightful “Is LeBron now a shoo-in for the Hall of Fame!?” articles for the next month. They will teach you.

I can’t wait for some fresh perspectives on the matter!

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